Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

Original poster

How do you discipline your 9 year old

22 replies

NightTimeRain · 10/12/2023 14:20

I usually send him out of the room or upstairs but this results in him bashing things/throwing things/ banging the wall or switching light switches on and off repeatedly

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

EmptyYoghurtPot · 10/12/2023 14:35

Mine is older than 9 now but when he was it would depend on what he’d done. Usually it would be a reminder about the behaviour we expect and telling him what he’d done that was not acceptable and then loss of screen time etc if the behaviour was repeated. What has your son done and why do you send him out of the room - for thinking time or to get rid of him for a while?

SutWytTi · 10/12/2023 14:36

What do you send him out for, how much are you listening to him, what sort of things is he upset about?

Original poster

NightTimeRain · 10/12/2023 14:41

Swearing

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

9 year olds Families General parenting

EmptyYoghurtPot · 10/12/2023 14:48

Sending him to his room for swearing seems a bit odd. I’m not sure what you are thinking the outcome would be? If DS swore in front of me then I’d probably just ask him to stop. If he swore at me then it would be loss of privilege ie Xbox.
Does he have ADHD? Only the behaviours like switching lights on and off would concern me more than the swearing to be honest.

Original poster

NightTimeRain · 10/12/2023 14:50

He swore AT me. I’m not sure how sending a child to their room is odd? No he doesn’t have adhd.

OP posts:

Tiredbehyondbelief · 10/12/2023 14:52

The point of discipline is to make a child reflect on their behaviour so it doesn't get repeated again. It seems to me all you are achieving is getting your son angry and upset. And he is not even a teenager yet! When we punish our children there is always 2 sides to the story. If they completely agreed with our logic etc they would have done what we told them to do (providing of course the instructions were clear enough). If they misbehaved it's either we are too strict or too unreasonable in our demands, in my opinion. Also short on patience in general. I have 2 teenage boys, one has been a rebel since 2 years of age. The only punishment they ever suffer is losing half of their weekly money allowance. This maybe happens once every 3 months. We have boundaries and they are enforced: my teenagers tidy up their rooms as it's a life skill. They do some house work as it's everyone's responsibility to keep the house clean. Everything is tied up to why it needs to be done. And I make a point to listening to their arguments for example "I will do the dishes in the evening, not right now". I appreciate you are reaching for help, it's a good thing. I suggest you really need to reevaluate your entire approach to discipline. Otherwise you are heading for a hellhole of teenage years

Original poster

NightTimeRain · 10/12/2023 14:53

So is time out no longer a thing then?

OP posts:

sprigatito · 10/12/2023 14:55

I don't think what sanctions you apply in the moment matter really, they are unlikely to have much effect on the behaviour because he hasn't developed strategies for managing his emotions. I would work on this rather than punishment; he needs to learn how to identify his triggers and recognise when he's approaching boiling point, and you need to work with him to understand why he is getting to that point and how to de-escalate things before they go too far. What's causing the rage? Is it gaming? Is he struggling to express himself with words?

SutWytTi · 10/12/2023 14:56

NightTimeRain · 10/12/2023 14:53

So is time out no longer a thing then?

I never really used it, it doesn't help much.

Why did he swear at you, what was happening? If he is already frustrated and then you send him away, it will make things worse not better.

EmptyYoghurtPot · 10/12/2023 14:59

Time out only really works with little ones, as they can’t have things explained to them in the same way older ones can. Does he know why you object to him swearing? The other behaviours are attention seeking as you have sent him away, rather than discussed it with him.

Original poster

NightTimeRain · 10/12/2023 15:01

Well he knows that swearing at someone is rude and unacceptable yes…

OP posts:

Lorelaigilmore88 · 10/12/2023 15:02

NightTimeRain · 10/12/2023 14:53

So is time out no longer a thing then?

Yes it is in our house. Dd gets sent to her room when she is being naughty (e.g. back chatting, being mean to younger sibling). She comes back usually after a few mins and I find it works.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 10/12/2023 15:04

He swore AT me. I’m not sure how sending a child to their room is odd?

It's not odd per se, but being asked to go from one room to another is not much of a consequence or a deterrent for bad behaviour, is it? I'd give a warning the first time and threaten withdrawal of a privilege/treat of some kind. But moving forwards, it would be even better to reward good behaviour.

Original poster

NightTimeRain · 10/12/2023 15:04

Lorelaigilmore88 · 10/12/2023 15:02

Yes it is in our house. Dd gets sent to her room when she is being naughty (e.g. back chatting, being mean to younger sibling). She comes back usually after a few mins and I find it works.

Show quote history

Thank you thought it was just me then

OP posts:

SecondUsername4me · 10/12/2023 15:05

What was he doing/ being asked to do when the swearing started?

Original poster

NightTimeRain · 10/12/2023 15:05

He was playing a game on his iPad.

OP posts:

jadey1991 · 10/12/2023 15:08

@NightTimeRain hi op sorry you are having this problem. Personally I think what you have done is acceptable. I would do the same thing. Wish we could go back in time and use the soap in mouth method.

I've never experienced any of my children swearing at me as they know to be respectful(not saying your child isnt).

I think if your child persists with his actions then taking away technology and making him understand that its unacceptable behaviour and he will continue to stay in his room until he abides by your rules

Original poster

NightTimeRain · 10/12/2023 15:12

Thank you it’s funny how times have changed isn’t it, I wouldn’t have dared to swear at my own mother! If I did it would have been more than some time in my room.

OP posts:

SecondUsername4me · 10/12/2023 15:12

NightTimeRain · 10/12/2023 15:05

He was playing a game on his iPad.

Then I'd say loss of the ipad for a day or so would do the trick.

sprigatito · 10/12/2023 15:18

NightTimeRain · 10/12/2023 15:12

Thank you it’s funny how times have changed isn’t it, I wouldn’t have dared to swear at my own mother! If I did it would have been more than some time in my room.

My mother would have knocked my head clean off my shoulders, but I don't think it was better. I didn't swear at her because I was terrified of her, not because I respected her or because I understood that swearing at people was hurtful and counterproductive. I learned that later, from adults who had control of themselves and the patience and commitment to deal with an angry child appropriately.

I'm not saying time-out is on a par with physical punishment - it isn't - but it's still purely punitive without really addressing the behaviour or what it is communicating, which is why it isn't effective, especially with an older child.

Ardith · 10/12/2023 15:31

I don’t need to discipline my 9 year old because he never disobeys me.

We did work a lot on discipline at age 2-5. At that age if he was deliberately naughty he lost all access to any kind of screen and sugar, for at least 2 months per incident.

Good luck! I’d suggest taking away all screens for at least a month, then maybe he’ll be more careful in future.

If my child swore at me then threw stuff around the room at age 9 then I would sell his iPad and phone and never buy another one. I don’t put up with much crap.

Tiredbehyondbelief · 10/12/2023 19:05

NightTimeRain · 10/12/2023 14:53

So is time out no longer a thing then?

I tried it a few times with my younger when he was a toddler. The one who is still very rebellious as a teenager. It would completely freak him out. Thankfully I had a teacher for a neighbour at the time. She told me to use the naughty step but from where he could see me. That worked. I would tell my son to sit and think of his behaviour. I didn't even always insist that he would apologise as he is so stubborn. Just to sit and think of his behaviour. This is what children need, in my opinion, the chance to reflect on their behaviour and the consequences of the behaviour. So that they can adjust. Sending a child to their room might well work for some children. It didn't work for mine and it doesn't seem to be working for yours either. You need to try something different. There is a good book on Amazon How to talk so that children listen or listen so that they talk. Alternatively you can try family therapy. You need to build up as much goodwill in your relationship with your son before as possible before he turns into a teenager. If you are already struggling it's bound to get much worse

Flip