Toddler tantrums - what’s normal?

[WhatshouldIdo155]

My 2.5 year old is having tantrums over everything at the moment. Mornings are a nightmare trying to get her ready - she’ll have a meltdown over - her banana not being quite right; not wanting to wear clothes; not wanting to brush her teeth; not wanting to leave for nursery. We end up having to manhandle her to force her to do things, which we feel awful about.

Every day we’re exhausted and demoralised by this, and end arguing with each other because we’re so stressed.

Is this normal? How long does it go on for? Any tips? Thanks for reading!

This sounds very familiar! I honestly just used to think there was no point trying to do anything any more because it was such hard work - we cancelled a weekend holiday because we couldn't face paying to have the same battles in a hotel room! I will say that for us it coincided with her dropping her nap and suddenly struggling with night sleep after more than 2 years of sleeping through the night consistently. So she was just absolutely exhausted. I'd say we are through the worst of it now (she's 3 in a few weeks) and the really bad patch lasted a few months in total. We still have meltdowns over silly things like whether I've bought Cheerios or cornflakes, but in general she's quicker to calm and a lot more reasonable.

And in terms of tips - it was really hard but we just kept up consistent expectations. So yes, you do have to have teeth brushed, hair brushed and shoes on before getting in the car for nursery. Every time. We found that letting things slide even once even when exhausted made it a lot harder the next time.

Yes definitely normal.

There is a great book called How To Talk So (Little) Kids Will Listen which is really helpful.

I don’t think that book is at all helpful for under fours personally.

Sympathies, @WhatshouldIdo155 , it’s a horrible phase but it is a phase.

Whole brained child (can't remember author) and no bad kids by Janet lansbury might help.

Give DC warnings to ease transitions and as much control as possible - let her choose which socks to wear etc. A picture chart showing what she needs to do might help as well (pic of hairbrush, clothes etc)

Basically toddlers are seeing how much control they can exert over the world around them, give them ways to control things (in non-disruptive ways) and the disruptive ways should reduce.

It can also help to voice what you think they'd say if they could express themselves - eg 'oh I know you want a chocolate bar instead of an apple, chocolate is so yummy isn't it? But it's not good for us, maybe we can have one at the weekend' etc - a lot of frustration and tantrums come from them thinking you don't know what they want and feeling misunderstood, rather than not being able to have the thing.

Remember as well that they basically see you as all powerful, they ask the impossible because you seem to be able to do the impossible (even turning a light on with a switch is crazy when you think about it)

We also let DC have a bit of TV (10 mins for a 2 yr old maybe) as a reward for getting ready without too much fuss.

I think it sounds normal. At approx 2.5 DD would have a horrendous meltdown every time we had to leave the house for any reason though she always enjoyed the outings we went on. It was very wearing and I forgot my phone / purse on many occasions as I was so flustered.

After 6 weeks of this we went on holiday and she just stopped doing it x

Thanks so much for all the advice. It’s reassuring at least to know it’s normal to a degree.

On a slightly separate note, how do you prevent it causing massive arguments with your other half? We both just seem to find it so hard to stay calm in these situations, and end up taking it out on each other.

The original How To Talk is less good for under 4s, but the Little Kids one is specifically for ages 2-7 and I think it's helpful even just as a reframe of the fact they are having emotions rather than being "bad".

We haven't really had arguments relating to tantrums, can I ask what kind of thing is happening? Then we may be able to say what we would do differently.

Different things will work for different children / parents but I definitely find Janet Lansbury really helpful as per a pp. You can follow her on FB and get a lot of content that way. She's all about keeping firm boundaries but staying calm and unruffled during tantrums so your child sees you as a gentle leader. Toddlers are looking for predictability and consistency, and if they don't feel that they are getting that they will continue to test and push boundaries.

I totally sympathise. We give our toddler options - we take out two pairs of trousers and ask which ones he wants to wear, ask him which flavour yoghurt he wants, does he want to walk to the car or be carried.

They’re at an age where they want control but can’t clearly express it, so take it out in tantrums because they’re not being understood.

There are also some battles not worth fighting. He went to nursery in slippers the other day because he refused to put on his shoes. In the grand scheme of things, not a big deal so let that one go.

As to you and your partner, if possible try having a conversation when it’s a quiet time, you won’t be interrupted etc (after she’s gone to bed or something). Where possible try not to blame/point anything directly on them that in your eyes they’re doing “wrong”.

Talk about how you handle tantrums. Both DH and I both use the “saw this thing on Instagram…” to start the conversation and to use an example without directly criticising the other parent.

Incidentally, we both saw a thing on instagram the other day about when your toddler is mid tantrum and not coming down, to deliberately ask them a wrong question - is that car blue? If it’s a red car. Apparently it does something to ‘trip’ their brains and gives them a bit of a reset. We’ve used it a couple of times and it’s worked quite well - if they can hear you over the screaming.

Good luck! Just remember it’s perfectly normal and it’s nothing to do with you as a parent. It’s just their frustrations that they can’t properly express.

No advice on the tantrums as my two year old is being a right little sod lately so here in solidarity!

What are you and your DP arguing over? Maybe you just need to have a chat about how you are going to deal with the tantrums going forward so you present a united front.

You gain patience and communication skills. It's trial and error and tbh the oldest child gets a raw deal of it being a guinea pig as you work it out.

Both read books on it. Agree an approach. Find quiet time to discuss how it's going, appraise and amend without being defensive.

Recognize that the last time someone was deliberately and childishly provoking you in this way, chances are you were a child yourself. You need to learn to navigate situations as an adult. It's very easy to fall into being childish and over invested yourself.

Notice when you're close to losing your temper and breathe deeply or step back where possible. Learn to recognize when your partner has had enough and find a way to tag team where possible.

Going outside (once the screaming about shoes and coats is done!) Usually helps and makes everyone chill out more than staying in. A run around in the woods especially.

Also a lot of tantrums are down to a child being tired, hungry or overstimulated. Paying close attention to routine and acting promptly when your child shows signs of having had enough can help. Eg at a stay and play - if your child starts being cross or showing tiredness cues, get out even if you're midway through twinkle twinkle.