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Original poster

Useless ex

19 replies

Forfucksake84 · 08/12/2023 16:58

Hi, just looking for advice and also to vent my frustrations. I've been separated from my girls dad for just over 2.5 years. He left me after 10 years together, because he said he was depressed and needed space and that we weren't right for eachother, but the real reason is because he had his eye on a much younger woman, who he is now still with. Ever since he left he has been literally useless as a father (I'm sure you can get even worse, but not much). He started off by having them once a week, but was always late picking them up, often let me down with excuses as to why he couldn't have them...often because he'd just had an argument with her (they have a very volatile relationship). Then he got evicted from his flat for not paying rent and moved to a different town..20 minutes away. After his unreliability I decided to change the arrangement to one night a fortnight as once a week was clearly too much for him. This worked for a while, but I was often forced to lend him money for fuel so he could come and get them. He doesn't work for depression reasons and is literally permanently skint...yet still finds the money for vape pens that I always see him with. I often had to give him bags of food for the girls as he apparently had no money to feed them. As I was so desperate for the break and to have some time to myself I just gave into him. He pays no child maintenance and literally owes me hundreds of pounds thst I have lent him over the last 2 years. He agreed to start paying maintenance a few months ago but have so far only received 2 payments of 50 pounds. I have been trying to chase him for the latest £150 that he currently owes me but every time I bring it up he ghosts me. What enrages me even further is that 3 weeks ago he had another baby with this girl who he constantly slags off. So he now has another baby when he doesn't support the ones he's got. I'm just absolutely boiling with anger and resentment towards him. I have a 9 year old and a 3 year old and feel like I've been left completely on my own to do everything. I get very overwhelmed by parenting, and just can't believe this is going to be my life now for the next 15 years. He is about to be evicted from his second flat now and will probably be put into temporary accommodation so who knows if/when he will ever have the girls overnight again. I'm also furious with myself for ever having children with such an absolute loser, but he was never this bad when we were together and has only shown his true colours since we split up. He is the mist self pitying man you will ever meet and never thinks anything is his fault. What would anyone do in my position?

OP posts:
Reugny · 08/12/2023 17:08
  1. Realise and accept he's a complete waste of space
  2. Work on establishing your own network of people to help you look after your children. You are likely to have to do exchanges in childcare.
  3. When your children go to dad's expect him to have them for the maximum of half a day. Provide a packed meal for them on in wrappings you don't care if they go in the bin. Expect him to return them early.
  4. Do not chase him to have contact with them. Let him come to you for his few hours per month.
  5. Don't ban you children from seeing him as in about 18 months your older child won't want to and you can't force them.
  6. Stop giving him money Say if he asks you don't have any that you can give him.
BoohooWoohoo · 08/12/2023 17:12

Pp is right.

You’ve split up and there’s nothing that you can do. You’ve been carrying him by paying him fuel and food costs and he’s just shit. Accept that you have no influence on his behaviour any more and protect the kids and their feelings.

Minglingpringle · 08/12/2023 17:17

Agree with both PPs

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Original poster
Forfucksake84 · 08/12/2023 17:30

So you don't think I should try and enforce a regular childcare session when he gets himself settled? The thing is...he leaves everything until the last minute so if I leave it to him I feel on edge as I never know if he's actually going to have them or not.

OP posts:
Minglingpringle · 08/12/2023 17:53

Forfucksake84 · 08/12/2023 17:30

So you don't think I should try and enforce a regular childcare session when he gets himself settled? The thing is...he leaves everything until the last minute so if I leave it to him I feel on edge as I never know if he's actually going to have them or not.

Wait till he comes to you and put it out of your mind. Assume he’s not part of the picture. If he suggests a time that doesn’t work for you say sorry, that’s not possible, and arrange an alternative at that point. Also, tell him you need eg two days’ notice and then to discuss precise timings. It’s not reasonable for him to expect immediate access as and when, because you and the children have commitments. If you make this a firm requirement he may get the idea.

Obviously you want the children to have a relationship with their father and are sad if he’s not stepping up. But you forcing him to see them isn’t really him having a relationship.

Minglingpringle · 08/12/2023 17:57

Him seeing them should not be about childcare for you. As PP said, if you’re desperate for childcare you should start looking into what other arrangements you can make.

If you’re not relying on the childcare, it won’t be such a disaster if he lets you down.

The only point of the visits should be for the benefit of the children.

muchalover · 08/12/2023 18:03

He's not having a relationship with the children. He is seeing them. He doesn't even meet their fundamental needs. That is scary for children and I wouldn't expose them to neglect because it is neglect on his part.

Like PP say, let him see them but with you, go to McDs for an hour but I would not leave them unsupervised with him. It needs to be planned and consistent or else it is nothing.

Connect with others you trust for nights out or pay a professional babysitter.

Original poster
Forfucksake84 · 08/12/2023 18:21

He is not a danger to the children, so I don't feel like I need to be with him when he does have them. I'm just so sad it's come to this as I never imagined he would be this bad. I don't see how he doesn't feel any guilt or shame about the way he's behaving. He very occasionally has a revelation about what a terrible father he is and how he's going to step up but then nothing ever changes. Do you think I'm right in thinking that he's probably never going to change, despite him saying he's trying? Do you think I'm unreasonable in thinking his behaviour is unacceptable and that him not having money for months on end is not an excuse for him not seeing his children? Surely if he really wanted to see them he'd find a way?
Luckily my parents have been very helpful and usually have the girls once a week over night to help me out. It's just the principle that repulsed me...that he gets away with next to no input. How do I get rid of this feeling of hate and bitterness towards the father of my children. I know it's not healthy 😕

OP posts:
Minglingpringle · 08/12/2023 18:21

muchalover · 08/12/2023 18:03

He's not having a relationship with the children. He is seeing them. He doesn't even meet their fundamental needs. That is scary for children and I wouldn't expose them to neglect because it is neglect on his part.

Like PP say, let him see them but with you, go to McDs for an hour but I would not leave them unsupervised with him. It needs to be planned and consistent or else it is nothing.

Connect with others you trust for nights out or pay a professional babysitter.

That’s a good point. It does sound like he’s neglecting them when he has them,

Onionsmadeofglass · 08/12/2023 18:27

Imagine he’s dead? And he’s been replaced by a hapless uncle figure?
So the husband you married and chose to have children with no longer exists and you are now solely responsible for the welfare of your children but also for all decisions relating to them. And they go to see their hapless uncle figure every couple of weeks if he’s around but none of you actually need him
And don’t lend him anymore money ever. It will help keep the resentment as low as possible.

Minglingpringle · 08/12/2023 18:27

Forfucksake84 · 08/12/2023 18:21

He is not a danger to the children, so I don't feel like I need to be with him when he does have them. I'm just so sad it's come to this as I never imagined he would be this bad. I don't see how he doesn't feel any guilt or shame about the way he's behaving. He very occasionally has a revelation about what a terrible father he is and how he's going to step up but then nothing ever changes. Do you think I'm right in thinking that he's probably never going to change, despite him saying he's trying? Do you think I'm unreasonable in thinking his behaviour is unacceptable and that him not having money for months on end is not an excuse for him not seeing his children? Surely if he really wanted to see them he'd find a way?
Luckily my parents have been very helpful and usually have the girls once a week over night to help me out. It's just the principle that repulsed me...that he gets away with next to no input. How do I get rid of this feeling of hate and bitterness towards the father of my children. I know it's not healthy 😕

He’s probably not going to change. Assume he’s not then you can’t be disappointed, and you can move on. If he did change it would then be a delightful surprise.

He is not a good father. Accept it and move on.

You are being a good mother. That will bring great satisfaction.

Original poster
Forfucksake84 · 08/12/2023 19:25

Has anyone else been in a similar position? It would be nice to know there are others in the same boat (as horrible as it is)

OP posts:
AmazingDayz · 09/12/2023 00:16

Similar situation but worse actually as my ex has never once had our kids since we split 7 years ago. Would only see them at mine. Now he doesn’t bother. Wish he had ever had them, once a week / fortnight would have been way too much for him. Hasn’t seen them since may…

Original poster
Forfucksake84 · 09/12/2023 08:03

Oh god, how awful. I really sympathise. Do you just not bother contacting him at all now? Do you find it hard to cope on your own?

OP posts:
onceaday · 09/12/2023 10:24

Same boat here. Split from ExH 10 years ago and tried so hard to enable a good relationship between him and my 2DC. Just became more & more frustrating (for me) and upsetting (for DC) when he constantly let them down.
I feel so much more relaxed since I started leaving it to him to make contact and I'm not setting up my DC to be disappointed.
Focus on the good things, no alternate Xmas/Birthdays, no negotiating a change of weekends if you want to take them away. Everything is on your terms.
My DS (16) no longer bothers and hasn't seen his dad for probably 6 months. My DD (14) still messages him occasionally but doesn't expect anything substantial from him.

AmazingDayz · 09/12/2023 12:39

No I never ever contact him about anything. Yes it’s hard on my own as have no family help either but the only way he would see them was if it was at mine so I never got a break from them anyway.

Original poster
Forfucksake84 · 09/12/2023 12:49

It's awful isn't it? How do you deal with the guilt and regat having chosen to have children with such a waste of space? (Not that I regret my kids but you know what i mean) I feel constantly cross with myself for not recognising what a twat he was....although he's got so much worse since we split up. I don't want to live my life feeling thus bitterness and anger all the time.

OP posts:
justl0st · 09/12/2023 12:55

I am 4.5 years in now and my ex is the same, tbh I expect nothing from him. If I have any plans on 'his' time (he also only sometimes manages once a fortnight!) it's a running joke with my friends and family that I book them in to watch the kids as backup as he lets me down so much. It's shit and he was a really hands on father when we were together and when he and the gf are split he's like his old self wanting to see the kids etc but you cant do anything about it so dont rule yourself up. The best thing you can do for yourself is move on be happy and build yourself the best life.

GrumpyPanda · 09/12/2023 13:19

As others said, minimize your dealings with him. Don't lend him any more money and go through official channels for maintenance. Even if you don't get more, at least you can stop giving it headspace.

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