Advice on MIL

[SleepyMumz]

I'm really struggling with my MIL and how pushy she is and don't know the best course of action as she won't take no for an answer. My own parents are getting upset because they're being respectful of our wishes but are observing how demanding the MIL is, I just want everyone to be happy but I'm starting to feel resentful which I don't want.
There's been alot building up, the most recent things have been me and my 7 month old being poorly but her not taking no for an answer when I say I don't want any visitors round when we're both sick, having to keep repeating myself because it's not what she wants to hear.
Mentioning that I want to buy certain gifts for her first Christmas and then she buys them herself to give to our daughter telling everyone we had to 'fight' over it in a jokey way.
Trying to take her out my arms with no word several times within minutes of stepping into their house, wanting to buy a pram for herself instead of just using our amazing mamas & papas one.
Mentioning about our 7 month old having a sleepover at theirs which in my opinion is too young...
My partner has been finding it difficult also and had an argument on the phone with her because our daughter was unwell and she insisted on coming over but is just accepting the situation where as I feel more resentful as time goes on, any advice would be great...

She has difficulties with boundaries. She can't and wont respect your reasonable wishes so you need to put the boundaries in place for her as she cant do it herself.
Tell her she cannot take your child from your arms and if she does, she will have to not see them.
Tell her that you will not be answering the door to her at all and visits are by arrangement.
And so on.
You might need to go no or minimum contact because she will likely do everything she can to push the boundaries.
Your DH should enforce all of this himself as its his mum, not yours and she is essentially harrassing/bullying his wife.

My mum can be a bit like this. When my daughter was born we were in a local lockdown. She "joked" about coming round and staring through the window at you. I quite firm told her mum baby wasn't a zoo animal that wasn't happening. Don't be ridiculous. Thankfully my dad found the zoo animal line hilarious and brought that up whenever my mum moaned about not being able to see us.

Boundaries boundaries boundaries with people like this. Come up with some rules with your partner and get him to enforce them. Firm just short of scary. If she tried to take the baby take a step back or to the side. If they persist ask if there voice is ok, do you have a sore throat? You seem to be unable to speak. In this house we ask we want take something. She is a person on a toy. Make a minor thing of her behaviour.

Stop answering the door to her, let her knock on it for hours but do not open it or let her in. Stop taking phone calls from her, as your partner appears to be on your side in all of this together compose an email or message that states it is just too much and she is making it hard to have a positive relationship with her. Unless she backs off and understands that this is your child (yours and your partner's) and you are the parents then you will have to stop all visits.

There is no point saying don't come over if you then allow her into your home. Tell her you will not be opening the door to her unless it is an agreed visit. And don't open the door. She will soon get the message.

Put boundaries in place, but more importantly when she tramples all over them you must show that you mean what you say.

You tell MIL not to visit as you’re sick.
She turns up anyway.
Don’t let her in, either answer the door and reiterate what you’ve said or just ignore it altogether.

Don’t tell her what gifts you’re planning to buy and if she gets something you’ve already told her about, say ‘you’ll have to return that MIL, like I told you we are buying one of those’.

I hated my baby being taken from my arms so empathise with that. I would physically turn the opposite way to stop it happening. I would also say ‘no she’s fine with her mummy now, thanks’.

I think this is one of those classic situations where there's poor behaviour and then you get over sensitive. I mean, if I walked into my parents' house holding the baby, yes, 9/10 they'd want to instantly give the baby a cuddle and we'd all joke about how I barely get a look in.

On the other hand, insisting on coming over when you and the baby are sick is totally not on and a simple, "No, we can't see you today. Let's see how we feel tomorrow? is needed, followed by, if they turn up, "sorry, I just can't have people over today".

The pram - ridiculous though it is, does it really matter? I mean, I think it's batshit but if she wants to buy an expensive pram that's barely going to be used, whatever.

Sleepovers - feel free to laugh at her.

You have 2 issues

1. your MILs behaviour
2. the amount of head space you are giving it.

set your stall out and as long as your boundary is reasonable - stick with it.

If she comes over without arranging it, she presumably lives nearby so there’s no issue with opening the door and saying “ now isn’t a good time”
OR just ignoring the door if it’s her.
let her kick off, just say it wasn’t convenient you had already told her that and if she listened to you she wouldn’t have wasted her time. By the third time you leave her standing on the doorstep she will get the hint

other stuff:
Mentioning that I want to buy certain gifts for her first Christmas
Stop making this mistake.
Tell her what to buy - Amazon gift list is good for this
and then she buys them herself to give to our daughter telling everyone we had to 'fight' over it in a jokey way.
resell it on a buying and selling group and buy something else. Let her kick off and let DH deal with it.

Trying to take her out my arms with no word several times within minutes of stepping into their house,
name and verbalise bad behaviour with a good natured tone
“mil don’t be so rude! You can you at least say hello before trying to grab my baby out of my arms! 😅😅😅”
wanting to buy a pram for herself instead of just using our amazing mamas & papas one.
let princess nut nut crack on with this.

Mentioning about our 7 month old having a sleepover at theirs which in my opinion is too young...
Just laugh and say no she’s too young we won’t do that for years unless there’s a weird emergency

Some of these responses are a bit nuclear if you haven't yet given her a chance to mend her ways. Your husband (or you, if he's misplaced his balls) needs to just chat with her and say politely and calmly that she's had her children and now it's your turn. Be nice, reassure her that you love her and you hope she'll be a big part of your child's life, but be firm that you will choose what you get her for Christmas, and she will need to get something else. Be very firm that you don't want your baby taken from your arms, and that you will pass her over when you're ready. Grandparents are very important, but they are not parents. She will likely be upset, but it isn't really proportionate to go no contact without first pointing out how you want to mend the relationship.

Assuming that fails, you can step it up and start reducing how often you see her etc. If she queries it just explain that you find it stressful because she can't respect you. You can then point out that you do want a positive relationship and that's why you previously tried to explain to her how you and DH want to raise your daughter.

Basically, make sure you give her a chance to change but don't hesitate to protect yourselves if necessary.

Stop trying to play grandma bingo. They don't need to see dc exactly the same amount.. Unless dh is managing visits with his own family.. Your dc isn't an exhibit..

PS with the presents there's an easy rule that anything grandparents buy stays at their house. If they want to buy duplicates it then doesn't matter. If they want to buy enormous heaps of plastic tat, no problem.
And tbh it is reasonable for MIL to buy another pram if she is looking after your daughter without you being there. So long as it's a safe pram let her crack on. It's easier for you as you won't have to take yours every time. If you're there as well you can choose to take yours or use hers.

This!

They have to have fair access but that's not necessarily equal.

My parents see my daughter most weeks and oven once or twice. They are 30 minutes away.
My partners parents are 4+h away and see her every 4-6 weeks but for 3-7 days at a time. They get video calls most days sometimes twice at a day at the weekend. Very different visiting but we think it mostly works fair. We aren't about to start a spreadsheet to make sure that partners don't stay any longer with us than accumulation of my parents visits

You need to read about boundaries. Is your DH on board? If so he should read her the riot act and see if she is capable of listening.

Stop telling her much info - don't mention what yu are buying, don't tell her your plans, don't answer the door/phone if you've already said no.

I agree with all these wise people!

Let your DH say the NOs and if she shows up uninvited, don’t answer the door.

Don’t tell her stuff, like what you’re buying for baby.

And yes to letting her buy her own pram and hell no to a sleepover until you’re good and ready, however long that takes!