Please help me understand DS’ behaviour towards DD

[ICantGetNoSheep]

We have DD9 and DS8; they have always got on incredibly well: they play together, laugh together, often find them snuggled in DD’s bed in the morning after they’ve woken up etc.

DD is always very kind and sweet, patient, and whilst very bright, has diagnosed dyslexia, so school is occasionally tricky.

By contrast, DS is very very kind when in public, but at home can be a real handful, is very high maintenance, argues the toss over everything, moans relentlessly if you ask him to anything (e.g. homework / minor chore). He is working beyond all expectations at school, and does very well in a competitive sport. I only mention this as he finds school a breeze, so no reason to be jealous of his sister in that regard (who, as I said, struggles occasionally). He is going through an ADHD assessment presently owing to impatience / inability to do anything that isn’t for him, amongst other things.

DS has started being really mean to DD. For example, cannot abide her being in his bedroom, touching his things BUT is always in her room. He speaks through gritted teeth telling her to get out. Even as she’s leaving he’ll be instructing her not to touch a thing. When she’s gone , I’ll speak to him about it and he’ll cry and say “There’s something wrong with me”.

DD is visibly upset and feels rejected. It feels like bullying as he is not bothered by other people being in there. He’ll tell me he knows she’s doesn’t deserve it, but just can’t help it.

He’s asking me to help him, but I don’t know how as the answer appears simple to me, but it obviously isn’t for him…anyone been through similar?

For example, cannot abide her being in his bedroom, touching his things BUT is always in her room.
Dominance. He's saying his stuff is more important than hers. That he is more important than her.

He's 9, so I'm thinking it's puberty (testosterone) kicking in and that is why he's thinking there's something wrong with him.

Time to stop the sleep ins together. Time to enforce bedroom privacy and boundaries for both. DD might start puberty soon as well. Fun times OP!!

EDIT - some girls start their periods around the ages of 8-9 yrs which is why it's crucial DD has privacy now.

I would reassure him that there is nothing wrong with him, I don't think it is dominance, is there something in the way your DD touches his stuff that no one else does? Im thinking an OCD element that upsets your DS?

A rule that everyone knocks before going into bedrooms might help.

It sounds a bit worrying that your Ds thinks there is something wrong with him, I would gently try to explore this.

IME with neurodivergent children issues such as anxiety can surface at this age. This leads to behaviours that may seem controlling, defiant or unpleasant. He may be struggling with his own emotions, hormones are hard for anyone but neurodiverse kids often cannot cope well with the changes and it creates anxiety and behaviour that appears bad. Behaviour is communication of needs for these children. He may not be able to understand his own actions/thoughts.

I'm thinking anxiety too. Hormones have a huge impact on things like anxiety so it would make sense at that age. Have them both learn mindfulness techniques and other things to help self regulate. You're already going the medical route as well so just be reassuring there's nothing wrong with him and it's totally normal to have some strong feelings and not get along with siblings sometimes. Stay calm, positive, and communicate - they'll take that cue from you.

People are complicated- it may not be just one thing.
It may be ADHD impulse control + the testosterone boost .
He knows she doesn’t deserve it, so that’s good. Perhaps get professional help with techniques or strategies to recognise his behaviour in time to stop before he gets hurtful

My DS is older now but sounds similar to yours at that age... He was good at school and competitive sports like your ds but at about age 9 he did become hard work at home. I think a lot of boys do... apparently they have a hormone surge.

I don't think it's dominance at all.

In ND children they find it difficult if other people touch/ move their things or come into their space when they're not expecting it. The fact your ds feels bad about it but 'can't help it' tells me that there's prob underlying anxiety there and an inflexibility (one rule for his room and another for dd).

As they are getting older anyway, I'd make a rule where they knock and ask to go into each others room then ds may feel he has more control.

Time for a refresh on ´treat others how you would like to be treated’.
He doesn’t like his sister in his bedroom? Ok, that’s fine. But if he wants her to respect that, he needs to show her the same respect. That doesn’t necessarily mean he can never go in her room if they both like playing together in her room. But he should knock on her door and ask her if he can come in. If they’re both downstairs and he wants to get something from her room, he needs to ask her permission. And he needs to respect her no if she says no he can’t go in. And she probably will say no even if it’s just to test out what happens.
He knows he’s not being fair currently so should be on board to try this out. And your daughter will gain a bit of power over her own space so she’ll probably like it too.

Thank you so much, everyone, I’m truly grateful for the responses and will be implementing the “Knock before you enter” rule.

He definitely displays anxious behaviour at times, and has shown some OCD type behaviour about his cuddly toys (which are on his bed), so it makes sense. Annoyingly, he is SO disrespectful towards her cuddly toys when we read books in DD’s room (angrily launches them as if they were put there simply to piss him off).

My 10 year old can be like this with his younger brother. He is autistic and has adhd too. He shows traits of ocd as well sadly. I have no advice as we find this a tricky thing to deal with too. Just solidarity.

Maybe your child is frustrated, struggling at school. There is a link between ADHD, dyslexia and behaviour. See article for more:)