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Original poster

Shitty controlling ex

18 replies

ExTrex · 07/12/2023 20:14

My shitty wanker of an exH has a varying work schedule meaning the times and days he can have the dc is different every week.
We have not been to court, as he lives really close by and as long as i dont demand anything, we co-parent peacefully. The dc stay with me majority of the time, but he has them over for a weekend a few times a month and for dinner at his during the week plus takes them to clubs etc..
The problem is that he refuses to share his work schedule with me in advance, so i never know when he can have them. Why? Because that's the only way he has left to control me now. By controlling my time! What a sad fucking weirdo!!!! His reason for doing this: 'I don't like you mamaging my time'. Cry or laugh?! Or both?

OP posts:
MaryGreenhill · 07/12/2023 20:16

If you did go to court surely the times would have to be arranged then?

SutWytTi · 07/12/2023 20:17

Can you start saying no?

'Sorry, we've already got arrangements, so the kids can't do that date'.

You don't have to say yes every time. Just occasionaly stand your ground if you have something arranged.

DaughterNo2 · 07/12/2023 20:20

A weekend a few times a month? Is 2/3? Weekends every month?

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TeenagersAngst · 07/12/2023 20:21

Does he pay CM?

Original poster
ExTrex · 07/12/2023 20:23

The thing is that he lives on the same street, so he just rings the doorbell and asks if the dc want to come to his, and they always do and are happy to see him.
And he is not great at adulting, so im happy to be the main parent, and cant really affoed court.

OP posts:
Original poster
ExTrex · 07/12/2023 20:25

No, he doesn't pay CM either! But i earn more than him now, which means he can't control me financially anymore, which he used to.

OP posts:
Original poster
ExTrex · 07/12/2023 20:26

2 weekends every month.. He doesn't ask me when it suits us. He just calls the dc on their phones, or rings the doorbell.

OP posts:
Original poster
ExTrex · 07/12/2023 20:32

The whole back story of this is so long and ugly. Ive been to womens aid during the divorce for the various (non-physical) abuse he's inflicted on me. All in all things are so much better now that Im rid of him, but he still wants to control me through ds. I love my dc to bits and do shield them from dysfunction as much as i can by always being 'there'. Solid and reliable. He's none of that..obviously.

OP posts:
SutWytTi · 07/12/2023 20:37

How old are the kids?

You should really be starting to set some boundaries in your own home, bit by bit. You can take tiny steps to just start to set the lines.

In your situation perhaps a specialist charity like Women's Aid could advise.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/12/2023 20:37

I’d move if I possibly could. Not far but away from the same bloody street. How old are your children? If they’re still quite young I’d suggest times on a schedule, stick to it by making them available during those times and not outside of them. He needs to stop being able to mess you around. And claim maintenance. That’s money for your kids. If you don’t need it day to day you can save it for them.

He sounds like a real head fuck and a nasty wanker. Have as little to do with him as possible.

Have you had any relationships since him? What would happen if you did? I can’t see him being reasonable about you moving on.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/12/2023 20:39

The problem is you aren’t rid of him at all. He’s controlling your time and you don’t want to claim the money you’re due because you’re afraid of him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/12/2023 20:39

SutWytTi · 07/12/2023 20:37

How old are the kids?

You should really be starting to set some boundaries in your own home, bit by bit. You can take tiny steps to just start to set the lines.

In your situation perhaps a specialist charity like Women's Aid could advise.

This. You need to set boundaries but the children have to be on board.

Making really sure you can't date, or go out, or have fun, isn't he?

2jacqi · 07/12/2023 20:48

I think you really should see about getting set days, weekends and times!! how can you arrange anything for yourself? and he really should not be knocking on your door either! that would definitely be stopped! are kids old enough to actually have phones?? can they be accidentally washed in laundry or something? He will be working on a rota so he is well able to have set times!

Original poster
ExTrex · 07/12/2023 20:48

Dc are 9 and 11.
This is the marital home i've stayed in. He moved out. To the same street..

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 07/12/2023 20:50

9 and 11 is a great time to teach boundaries.

Original poster
ExTrex · 07/12/2023 20:53

They do have phones. Limited through family link, but they do need them. I want them to be able to call me if they need me.
Ex can be a nice dad. He takes them to hobbies, shows interest in them and their lives etc. Thats why its difficult to put better boundaries. The dc very much want to see him and there has been a narrative that he has throuwn around that i prevent the dc from seeing him. Which is not true of course. He is really really nasty. Perfect on the outside, venom on the inside.

OP posts:
Original poster
ExTrex · 07/12/2023 21:09

He is actually broke, that's why i havent tried to claim CM. Yet.
He is not good at adulting at all. He's so far into debt, and he got me into debt too. I'm doing better every month and getting by, paying it off.
We have some equity in a separate property, and we have a lawyer sorting all that out. I am worried he will try to claim 50/50 custody, because he looks like a devoted dad on the outside, and the dc DO love him. Its just me he's messing about, because that gives him some sort of satisfaction.

OP posts:
mynamechangemyrules · 07/12/2023 21:19

Hi @ExTrex- this is my reality, with a few different details, but with the same enduring feature of a controlling ex. I have struggled so much with it because even though I stronger and better at boundaries, I did still have 20 years with someone belittling me every day, which does impact your life admin skills!

I have just gone to a mediator and then got a C100 to go to court. It will cost me something I'm sure but I'm just going to take it as it comes and he's left me with bigger money problems than that anyway so I'll work it out one day!

I hate my life being controlled, manipulated and negatively impacted all the time.

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