Losing my mind, health and job through lack of sleep

[Pleasehelpimexhausted]

Please help me. Im currently sat crying at the dining table listening to yet another one of DS’s screaming fits. He’s 9 months and has not slept since 4 months when he had a sleep regression and basically never went back to sleeping. The longest he has slept since then is 4 hours but that has only been on a handful of occasions. The rest of the time it’s been every 2 hours or more, he’s up at 4 or 5am and doesn’t sleep after that. He screams and screams and screams at bedtime/naps and just won’t settle.

I’m so exhausted I feel like I’m losing my mind. I’ve left 2 pans to boil dry in the last few weeks. My memory is so bad I’m calling people the wrong name. I’m so exhausted I’m catching all of my older child’s bugs and am constantly run down with mouth ulcers. I’m supposed to be studying for a work exam but at this rate I will fail and lose my job.

To pre empt a few questions he’s EBF, has 3 meals a day, has weaned really well and when he’s awake he’s a happy smily baby. I have no concerns about his development it’s just the sleep. His naps are hit and miss, sometimes he will nap for 2 hours, other times 20 minutes. He’s had a cold for 2 months (with a 4 day break in the middle so back to back colds) which isn’t helping. DP is here but he works very long hours and on top of that he deals with DC1, the dog and housework so he’s doing his fair share. He’s tried taking DS at weekends but he will just scream and scream for me; sometimes for hours.

I honestly feel like I will never sleep again, I love DS but I feel so drained physically and emotionally the thought of 1 more day of this is soul destroying.

Please help.

Have you had him checked for ear, adenoids, sinus, throat infections? Glue ear or enlarged tonsils or adenoids can make sleeping very difficult and uncomfortable for them but might show no obvious symptoms (although cold like symptoms for two months would count as one to me).

Also, all of mine (well two of them, third not old enough yet) have had the Alpro Oat milk and vitamins and are big, strong and healthy, so I think that’s a good plan. And I did the same, started slightly before 1 too. Assuming they’re a good weight and developing and eating well I think this is fine.

Thank you that’s good to hear. I’m going to start after he turns 10 months. He’s a big baby (over 90th for both weight and height) so I’m not worried about him being small and needing first stage milk for longer. He eats very well and clears his plate and drinks from a beaker.

If physically there’s no reason then I’d sleep train; I felt like this and really thought I was on the edge of a breakdown. It wasn’t a magic cure but a stretch of 4 hours made all the difference

That’s a good suggestion I will follow that up, thanks

Do you co-sleep OP, I know it's not ideal but we started cosleeping at 6 months old as I was getting up to resettle my DD 8-10 times every night, it was a nightmare. She's a much better sleeper now at 22 months, we are still cosleeping but she's gradually finding it easier to fall asleep on her own and we out her in the cot next to me.

Sounds a very difficult situation. A few questions how does he fall asleep at night initially? Do you feed him at each night wake up and does he feed back to sleep? If you are open to any kind of sleep training I can recommend the gradual retreat approach - cutting down night feeds helped my son to wake up less.

Our usual routine is dinner at 5pm, I only bathe him every third day and top and tail in between (dry skin and eczema although this is much better now). Then play and stories with big sister, final feed, pyjamas/nappy/teeth, then I put him in his sleeping bag in his cot. Sometimes he drops off as I potter around the room, other times if I go out he cries for a few minutes then drops off (please don’t judge me for this, I never leave him for more than 5 minutes but my presence at times just seems to excite him and wake him up more).

Initially he falls asleep ok but wakes anything from half an hour to 2 hours after that. And then through the night.

When he wakes I try to shush pat, once a night or so I give in and feed him which does get him back to sleep faster but encourages the waking. And it’s no exaggeration to say I’m so tired sometimes I can’t physically move from the bed to get him. I just can’t

Will he take a bottle with pumped breast milk?

If so could you hire a night nanny for a few nights just to catch up on sleep a bit before your exam?

P.s. and maybe go stay with someone over nights to avoid the screaming during that time...?

No judgement at all. In fact, I'd encourage you to do it consistently and you may find that he starts settling on his own with some time.

@Pleasehelpimexhausted no judgement at all. I remember finding managing lack of sleep incredibly challenging.

That is great that he is basically settling himself to sleep initially. When I did sleep training the key thing they said was if giving a feed during the night to put back in awake. There may be some protesting at first and take some time to resettle but we did find being consistent with this helped and he naturally started to wake less for milk.

He thinks bf is the way to go to sleep. It's like a process - I'm tired so xyz must happen and then I go to sleep. If you don't provide the xyz process he thinks he can't sleep and gets annoyed.

You need to teach him a different xyz. Shift sleep associations from bf to a song or his cot or a toy or whatever. The process of him learning this will involve him being pissed off with you while he yells for the normal xyz but within a few days to a week, he'll be like 'mmn, cot and song and teddy xyz just what I need to sleep'.

That is sleep training in a nutshell. A brief period of baby being annoyed while you switch his sleep cues from one thing to another. Your dp doing the sleep training will be easier as you know and the baby knows you have milk right there.

I'd either sleep train or co sleep, you've got the worst of all worlds now.

Re bf, you could always night train then cut back to whatever you're comfortable with in the day. Which might be zero or might be one or two feeds.

No judgement at all OP. Anyone who has been there understands. Having no extended periods of sleep is absolute torture and you should do whatever you need to get there. Stopping BFing for the oat milk sounds like a great start.

FWIW, DD can have dairy now – we did the milk ladder at 18 months and she’s fine – although still not a huge fan of milk.