Behaviour of 3 year old

[Motheringthrough]

Hi all,

We have a 3 (4 in January) year old daughter who we are struggling with at the moment. It goes without saying that we love her with all our hearts, but we (and myself in particular, as it's me that's with her most of the time) are finding her behaviour so difficult right now.

She doesn't listen to us; if we ask her not to do/touch/say something, she does it anyway. If we ask her to pick up her toys, she says no. If we ask her to walk nicely somewhere like the supermarket, she runs off.

She doesn't let us talk without interrupting us - in the car if we're trying to have a conversation; if I'm talking to another parent at pre-school she'll scream in my face and hit me until I stop what I'm doing and acknowledge her.

Most recently she has started to become unkind and bad tempered. If she doesn't get what she wants she will say and sometimes shout things like, "I'm not happy with you" or "I don't want to talk to you!" and even "I don't love you any more mummy"(I am assuming she's picking these up from other children as they are phrases we don't use at home)

Last week, one of her pre-school teachers told me she had been unkind to another little girl - the other girl wanted to play, my daughter told her no, took the toys away and kept sshhing this little girl every time she tried to talk. Her teachers were surprised as this was the first time anything like this had ever happened. I was of course upset and disappointed because she always plays well with other children.

We have tried talking to her about all of these things, but it's like she doesn't take any of it in. We've tried using Father Christmas and his naughty/nice list, which worked at first but I think the effect is wearing off and it's only 7th December!

Emotionally I'm finding it really difficult to deal with; she really is the most gorgeous little girl with (normally) a wonderful personality. But it hurts me when she says unkind things, or if I hear from others that she has been mean. I'm a full time working mum, and sometimes at the end of the day when my patience has worn thin, I don't know how to deal with her.

I realise this is a tricky age, but I'm worried this is how she will be forever! Does anyone have any advice?

Thanks in advance x

Consequences for unkind behaviour? Whatever it is, it has to be immediate and appropriate. Threatening the naughty list is a bit abstract and too far in the future. Ignoring unkind words to you would be good. She's testing your boundaries. Have you asked her why she is unkind at nursery? What sanctions do the nursery put in place? Whatever you do, be consistent.

They’re called “threenagers” for a reason. Teens have to go through this horrible stage of rejecting you in order to become independent people. Three year olds are, similarly, being expected to do some things for themselves, and begin to realise that they have agency for themselves. This is quite scary, so they begin to test where the boundaries are. Just how much can I push the rules? How far can I go? How annoying can I be before mummy doesn’t love me anymore? What happens if I…?

She needs to know the rules, see the natural consequences of breaking them, and to know that you will always love her unconditionally.

Keep going. It’s hard. X

She needs immediate consequences, not abstract stuff in the future like ‘Santa’s naughty list’. She runs away then she goes on reins or in the baby buggy since she can’t be trusted to walk like a big girl. She clears away her toys or she doesn’t get to do whatever it is she wants to do next- TV time at the end of the day was a good motivator for DD as it doesn’t go on until the toys are away and bed is a fixed time so she just wastes her TV time if she doesn’t do it and I’m not stuck arguing or pleading with her.

I wouldn’t worry about a single incident at nursery. All kids will do something unkind on occasion.

‘I don’t love you’ is testing her secure attachment, very normal at this age. I just used to respond with a rather blaze ‘that’s a shame, we still love you even when you’re cross’.

I also think it’s good for her to express her feelings:
‘I’m not happy with you’ - fair enough if she’s been told no, doesn’t mean you’re going to change your mind but it really is ok for her to feel cross and to say so
’I don’t want to talk to you’ - it’s fine for her to want quiet time to calm down

It sounds quite normal to me, if that helps at all. But it's certainly not pleasant to live through!

Usually when my 4 year old is like this he is very tired or something else has happened. I was told earlier this week that he didn't love me and he was never going to bake with me again because the gloves I bought him were mittens not ones with fingers. I just repeated that I loved him, and what he was saying wasn't kind, and after a few minutes he asked if we could start again and then said he was sorry. It helped that he was obviously a 4 year old spiralling because a play date had gone badly because his friend hit him for no reason. There's something I read once about being a grey rock and letting their behaviour wash over you, and I find that helpful! If more aspirational than achievable some days.

Also knowing what the triggers are for your child - for DS1 it's definitely hunger and tiredness. He also has no awareness of his own needs and he's a child that needs a fair amount of downtime. If we've had a full on day and he's started to strop about absolute nonsense I take him to his room and after 5 or 10 minutes he's calmed down and playing happily with his toys.

When he wants attention when I'm talking to him I acknowledge him once (something like "I see you want to tell me something, but I've not finished my conversation with X yet") and then ignore the behaviour.

When his behaviour is directed at other people then I have very immediate consequences, which has included leaving the park/party/whatever, or not getting the treat he expected. We often walk to nursery with his friend and if I don't approve of his behaviour I'll make us stay back for five minutes and we'll walk ourselves.

The situation with the other child at nursery sounds like her recreating something that has previously happened to her, but putting her in the position of power. Which is uncomfortable to see when it's your child but certainly something I've frequently witnessed.

Thanks. She said she didn’t want the other little girl to play with her and her friend! Been trying to explain to her that she can have lots of friends, but she only likes to play with this one girl

I think it’s quite normal for them to get into ‘best friends’ at this age. I would hope that nursery encourage them to do things separately eg when they do small group activities or pair for sports they’ll keep them separate. You could invite other kids to play to encourage wider friendships. But really I wouldn’t worry about it! My DD is still best friends with her nursery best friend but they have matured and play nicely with others without getting jealous now (they’re in Y2).

You have to say it's not good to be mean, even though she is still little. Ask how she would feel if someone was mean to her. Has someone been mean to her and she's picked it up as something to do back to other children? You need to find out what is going on.

@plumtreebroke yes we’ve said all of these things and that we have to try to be kind even when we don’t feel like it! I’m not sure if another child has been like that with her, nursery haven’t mentioned it.

This happened last week and so far she’s been very good at nursery, kind words etc, so hoping it’s just a blip!

Hi OP - we are going through this now with our 3y2m old DD. Any hope on the horizon as it's pretty soul destroying at the moment!