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Original poster

Being bitten - how many times is too many?

31 replies

OdeToBarney · 06/12/2023 23:13

DD is 19 months and goes to nursery 4 days per week. She loves it, and the staff are absolutely brilliant.

DD has been bitten three times in the last few weeks. We don't know which child has bitten her, as they aren't allowed to tell us 🙄 but apparently, they have "a couple of biters." It's obviously a problem as a memo has been sent around to parents about biting, including strategies for dealing with it at home.

FWIW, I have my suspicions as DH witnessed a child biting a staff member one morning, but this is neither here nor there really. It's not as if knowing who it is changes anything.

To my question - what do I do (if anything)? How many times is too many? I believe the staff are doing everything they can, but this is my first "nursery experience," and I wonder whether there's anything else I should be asking them to do?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Hiddenvoice · 07/12/2023 07:25

This is a tough one, like you I wouldn’t be happy with it and would question what to do.

They won’t tell you who it is, but as you said, it won’t change anything as my dd is the same age and definitely wouldn’t understand being told to try keep away from them.

If it happens again then I’d ask the nursery for a quick meeting on what else they will be doing to stop this as you appreciate an email going out to everyone but more needs done. Sadly I don’t know what else they can do other than make sure they keep a closer eye but things like this can happen so quicklg!

Mum2jenny · 07/12/2023 07:27

Be careful how you handle this as next week it could be your child doing the biting.

SErunner · 07/12/2023 08:50

Hmm, it's a tricky one. Echo pp - it could soon be your child doing the biting so worth bearing that in mind when addressing it! How bad are the bites? We've had a few instances where this has happened but it's been pretty minor (no skin break) and I just accept it's par for the course. If they are bad and it persists I think it would be reasonable to ask for more info as to how they are managing the situation.

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Thesearmsofmine · 07/12/2023 09:00

As it’s been three times then I would ask how they are managing to situation to help keep your child safe( if they haven’t already explained that is). And that’s really about all you can do.

Really if they have known biters then they would ideally have someone shadowing that child/ren but it’s easier said than done as they don’t have the money for one to one staff.

As you say it won’t really make a difference who is doing the biting. They are correct in not telling you this information, it’s not worthy of an eye roll.

Katherina02837 · 07/12/2023 09:24

"It could soon be your child doing the biting" — that is such an unnecessary response. So, are we saying that because children might bite eventually, we should just let it be? By the way, most of them won't bite!

OP, three times is a lot! I know they can't really do anything about it, but you have the right to feel angry about it. You are paying a lot of money for the nursery, and you expect them to keep your child safe. Is there a different group where she could be moved? How big is the nursery, how many staff they have for one group? I would definitely push on it and keep asking what they are going to do about this situation.

DuploTrain · 07/12/2023 09:31

I don’t think there’s really anything you should be asking them to do. It sounds like they are addressing it.

It’s really difficult though. My DS (thank god) never had a biting phase but he did have a brief hitting phase. It’s so hard to control because he did it instinctively when he was upset - it wasn’t pre-mediated, it was just lashing out automatically when another child touched his toy etc, he couldn’t stop himself. So it happened really quickly and I couldn’t always stop him in time.

Obviously I did address the behaviour, prevented as much as I could and gave consequences. But I think the phase just ended rather than my strategies being effective.

Hopefully your DD won’t start copying the biting!

Fraaahnces · 07/12/2023 09:41

Honestly, I don’t think sending out an email like that is a good look at all for this daycare centre. It smacks of “You have to deal with this or find a place elsewhere.”
I would be asking daycare why their supervision is so ineffective that they have warranted such an email and what they intend to put in place to resolve this issue.

DuploTrain · 07/12/2023 09:41

It could soon be your child doing the biting" — that is such an unnecessary response. So, are we saying that because children might bite eventually, we should just let it be? By the way, most of them won't bite!

I think the point is that when your child is bitten or hit you are of course upset and think that it’s completely unacceptable and it should never happen.

And when your child is doing the biting or hitting you realise that it’s really difficult to control because they’re so speedy and they can’t control their emotions and impulses. And don’t understand fully that it hurts the other person.

I don’t think anyone is saying it’s acceptable or should be ignored.. Just that OP shouldn’t kick up a massive fuss because even the most unlikely child can have a phase like that.

Justfinking · 07/12/2023 09:52

I'd be really upset and want to know what they are doing about it. Three is too many. Not fair on your DC and it could very much start to make them feel afford of other children and who could blame them.

Superscientist · 07/12/2023 10:27

For me it comes down the how they were bitten.

My daughter has been bitten and has bitten. She was bitten at the dinner table the child leant over and bit her hand. Staff were there but it wasn't a behaviour they were expecting and it happened quickly without any warning that it was about to happen. I would understand if the same thing happened again. If it happened a third time I would maybe expect that child to be sat closer to the staff if possible.

My friends daughter was bitten whilst having a nap. In that situation once should be enough to bring in something to ensure that awake children can't get close enough to a sleeping child to bite them so I would be annoyed if it happened a second time. When asleep they are vulnerable and need more protection

skkyelark · 07/12/2023 11:55

At this stage, I would want to know what their plan is – I'd want to see them observing the biting children for triggers (e.g., are they prone to biting when hungry or tired, are they biting as part of competition over a toy or when they feel crowded with too many children around them, etc.). If you know when it's likely to occur, it's a lot easier to prevent.

If a child seems particularly prone to biting your daughter, I'd like to see them kept apart. Tricky if it's more random which child gets bitten, though.

I'd ideally like them to be sticking closer to the biting children whilst they're figuring out the triggers, but that's going to be quite tricky if they've got multiple children in a biting phase at once.

Original poster

OdeToBarney · 07/12/2023 18:47

I definitely don't plan on kicking up a "massive fuss", and I'm well aware that my DD could at some point display some less than desirable behaviour. I do actually regularly check with nursery to make sure she's not hitting, throwing or similar, because if she was, I'd want to try and work on it at home.

The biting incidents have all been related to toys. Either the child wants something DD has, or DD has taken it (yes we talk about and model sharing). Apparently it all happens very quickly, and I believe that.

The bites have never broken the skin, but they leave a nasty bruise for a week or so at a time. It makes me feel awful for her. I guess I also worry because she's likely to always be with this child throughout nursery as they move up together in a group.

It's really really tricky to know what to do, if anything. There are 3 staff members in her room, and I absolutely trust all three of them to do their best for DD. But what do you do when your child is repeatedly bitten and there doesn't seem to be a way to stop it?

OP posts:

DRS1970 · 07/12/2023 19:09

Personally three times feels excessive for me. I would complain and suggest the bitter is given one more strike before being excluded. I don't see why others should suffer due to the bad behaviour of a minority.

Original poster

OdeToBarney · 07/12/2023 19:35

Mum2jenny · 07/12/2023 07:27

Be careful how you handle this as next week it could be your child doing the biting.

Such an unnecessarily bitchy comment 🙄 feel better now?

OP posts:

CaptainMyCaptain · 07/12/2023 19:39

Mum2jenny · 07/12/2023 07:27

Be careful how you handle this as next week it could be your child doing the biting.

This. What would you like the nursery to do if it was your child doing the biting? A lot of children go through a phase of biting it's not the result of bad parenting or a 'naughty' child.

CaptainMyCaptain · 07/12/2023 19:39

OdeToBarney · 07/12/2023 19:35

Such an unnecessarily bitchy comment 🙄 feel better now?

Show quote history

It's not at all bitchy. It's a serious comment.

SErunner · 07/12/2023 19:42

I don't think anyone saying it could be your child is being bitchy. It's easy to get very defensive when it comes to children, but in reality most go through a phase of challenging behaviour whether that be biting/hitting/kicking etc. That said, they do sound like quite bad bites if they are bruising every time so I'd be inclined to ask what level of supervision the 'biters' are under and how they are going to ensure your child doesn't keep coming to harm. If it persists I'd probably think about moving your child to be honest, as if they can't manage the situation adequately it would leave me concerned as to what else they can't manage. I would keep your conversation focused on your child rather than advising/commenting on what they should do with the 'biters'.

Original poster

OdeToBarney · 07/12/2023 19:44

@CaptainMyCaptain I never said it was the result of bad parenting or a naughty child did I? You've implied those things from my post. I'm well aware that toddlers of this age act out their feelings, it's the primary method of communication while they're learning to talk.

PP was treating me like an idiot that was about to go in, all guns blazing. That was not the tone of my post at all.

If it were my child behaving like that, I would want to know, immediately, every time it happened. I would want my child to be separated if it seemed they were targeting one particular child or a couple of particular children. I would want extra attention paid in "high-risk" scenarios, as much as possible. And I would actually want the parents of the other children to know I was doing everything in my power to improve the situation.

OP posts:

Eveningintheafternoon · 07/12/2023 19:44

I didn’t interpret the comment as bitchy, and I’m normally the first to call out needlessly nasty comments on here but I don’t think that one was.

Some children do bite and I know it’s unpleasant and upsetting but it is very normal for this age range. I was pretty relieved I was laid back about my own ds being bitten because he then started biting it’s upsetting on both sides of the coin, if you like.

Original poster

OdeToBarney · 07/12/2023 19:47

@Eveningintheafternoon I think that's why I've tried to be laid back about it so far, because I'm aware how quickly things can change. I think I'm just second guessing myself. Also my parents have been pretty horrified about it. You can probably guess my DM was a SAHM and I didn't go to nursery. Although my brother was bitten in primary school!

OP posts:

CaptainMyCaptain · 07/12/2023 19:50

I never said it was the result of bad parenting or a naughty child did I? You've implied those things from my post.
Actually I meant that if your child were to bite another child it wouldn't mean your parenting is bad. Perfectly nice children with perfectly nice parents do it from time to time. I wasn't implying anything from your post. If anything I was continuing a thought expressed by another poster.

Eveningintheafternoon · 07/12/2023 19:51

If our nursery is anything to go by, as the parent of a mostly reformed biter:

If it were my child behaving like that, I would want to know, immediately, every time it happened.

Yes, the parents are informed but not immediately. Practically, I use nursery because I work and I can’t just abandon my children with complex needs to answer the phone because my toddler bit someone. But we are informed at pick up.

I would want my child to be separated if it seemed they were targeting one particular child or a couple of particular children.

If there is a particular clash then children could be grouped in different activities but I’m not sure how practical it is beyond that. At around eighteen months it’s more likely it’s general rather than targeted.

I would want extra attention paid in "high-risk" scenarios, as much as possible.

If it’s mostly over toys they should monitor, but it can still be hard, if only because you can be stood next to a child and still not get there ‘in time’ because of the angle they’re at.

And I would actually want the parents of the other children to know I was doing everything in my power to improve the situation

But how? I read books about teeth not being for biting (which was ineffective!) but if ds bit someone at 10am aged 18 months he’d hardly likely to remember it at 4pm, when I collect him.

The nursery should be ‘on its’ as much as possible but I do think it can be helpful to realise how normal this stage is.

Eveningintheafternoon · 07/12/2023 19:52

I was upset when ds was bitten, his poor face had a mark on it I do get that, it seems so horrible and personal but it isn’t.

Coffeeandcrocs · 07/12/2023 20:03

As the mother of a 'biter', please know it upsets us too.

My DC3 is said biter, neither of his siblings were. I get a phone call at least once a month from nursery to let me know he's bitten someone and I feel awful every time.

What you don't see, at least in our case, is that DC3 has Cerebral Palsy and bites our of frustration when he's shoved/has toys taken away from him/pushed out the way on a beanbag because he can't do anything other than bite back. He's never once done it unprovoked and we are trying out hardest but it's not an easy one to solve.

Martz · 07/12/2023 21:34

I had a similar problem with my DC in nursery. The first few times I understood as my DC was also biting at home (but not nursery) but then he ended up with a bite which resulted in a really nasty bruise. They couldn’t say who the child was but admitted it had been the same child that had bitten DC on previous occasions. I asked for a meeting to discuss how they were safeguarding my DC from this child, and they said they’d be monitoring the “biter” closely during future sessions. A few weeks later he came home with another nasty bite and they said that another child had also been bitten- presumably by the same child. I requested another meeting and highlighted that I didn’t feel they were safeguarding other children effectively, so they agreed to move staff around to keep the “biter” on a 1-1 ratio for the time being. DC didn’t come home with any further bites… so it may be worth highlighting your concerns.

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