Please help me tame my toddler! 😂

[Londonscallingme]

We have a wonderful 2.5yr old (and a 2 week old). our eldest is a lovely, kind, gentle, fun little guy. He’s great company and obviously we adore him. Recently (not just since the baby arrived but possibly that has exacerbated things) he is objecting to things / refusing to do things that we ask him to. Often he thinks it’s a fun game like refusing to get dressed then running off and hiding (hoping you will chase him which ultimately I do because we typically have a reason for wanting him to be dressed and it’s because we need to go out). In these situations I would typically just pick him up and wrestle him into his clothes, having a bit of a laugh while I’m doing it because I don’t want to have a big argument every day about getting dressed. other things, like refusing to brush his teeth are more difficult because I’m not going to wrestle a toothbrush into his mouth, so often he just doesn’t do it. The refusals are becoming more frequent and I think I need better techniques to get him to do what we need him to do. He has good understanding so communicating with him is not any more difficult that other kids his age.

Any ideas for resources / books etc I can read to help me manage his refusals? So far we are not falling out but I can see I need to do better to avoid it becoming very stressful for everyone. Tia x

To me it sounds like you are encouraging this behaviour by turning the refusal into a game.
Personally I would insist he return to get dressed and then the hide/tickle game can be a reward for getting dressed afterwards.

Totally normal but I do think you want to think about how to handle these behaviours and be consistent.

He should be somewhat dressing himself and brushing his own teeth. I would start the process earlier so there's some give in time and there's no stressful rushing. And help as needed, but let him feel like he's in charge of it. He's probably just having fun with you, but this behavior can also be a need for independence.

I agree no games he has to know when you are serious.
when you need to get him dressed, if he is for example playing, lay out two options only, take his hand, lead him to the clothes and ask him to put on his favourite, say after we will go for yummy breakfast ( mention something he will like) stand against the door to prevent him running off, appear disinterested after stating he has to choose what to wear.
no big discussion or drama.
lf he doesn’t do as told tell him again and wait.
lf he tries to just play, do the dressing in a room with no toys, ie dining room or your bedroom so he gets bored.
plan in advance… for going out when shoes and coat are needed.
get them laid out in the hallway first by the door,
take a small interesting toy with you, take his hand lead him to the shoes say put these on now please then l will give you your toy to play with.
Ensure there are no distractions and you are blocking any escape route. Keep your voice calm,low but firm, don’t negotiate.
good luck.

yes, I appreciate that in the specific example I’ve given I’ve not helped in the past and what you say makes total sense but ‘insisting he returns to get dressed’ is the tricky bit. I ‘insist’, he says no and charges around the house naked laughing.

I’ll try being ready much earlier and see if he ultimately gets bored and complies, maybe I just haven’t been patient enough and have always just given in and grabbed him to get it over with.

Thanks for your reply :)

Yeah, it dies seem like he is trying to assert himself more and since the new baby has arrived he’s become quite a bit worse which I guess might not be surprising.

thanks for your suggestions

Thank you / some great practical suggestions here

Yes a new baby can be so disruptive for a LO. My next oldest was 12 when her sister was born and I was quite surprised that even at her age she acted out. Yours is probably relishing the extra attention his antics are bringing 😅

Give him choices that are win win as far as you are concerned. E.g. 'Do you want a story or a song after you brush your teeth?' He chooses then you can say. 'Get those teeth brushed then, so you don't get toothache, and then you can choose a book.'

Same with getting dressed. Let him choose joggers or jeans, fleece or jumper, so he is distracted by these decisions instead of choosing whether or not to get dressed.

I did occasionally use the trick on DS1 of putting him in the car in his PJs to go to nursery because he refused to get dressed. He was horrified, and I acted all surprised. He soon decided getting dressed was a good idea until he hit his teens

I've told this story before but please please please take the toothbrushing more seriously. It has cost us thousands to save DS's teeth when he went through a few months of total toothbrush refusal when he was two and I wish we'd held him down and made him (I had hyperemesis at the time and couldn't do anything and DH didn't know how to handle the toothbrushing situation).

He ended up with such bad decay that getting it fixed (GA and horrible aftereffects and a lot of blood) was more traumatic for him than if I'd been able to pin him down and get a toothbrush in his mouth.

You really need to get a handle on that and I wish I hadn't listened to people on here who said it was no big deal at the time and that it was ok to let some things slide while bed bound. I would have considered enlisting the nursery to get his teeth brushed if I'd known how badly leaving it was going to go.

Check out How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen. The whole series is great

It's a phase they all go though my 3 year old still sometimes does it but not as often anymore. They are just pushing boundaries and wanting their own way. I would often make it a game from the off go so as to not get a refusal in the first place. For example have a race to get dressed you and him, whoever is first to put their clothes on wins. Lots of praise. Brushing teeth, you could try doing it to a song on YouTube, makes it more fun. Sometimes i would dress him whilst he was ingrossed in a cartoon, anything to get out of the house on time for work.

Distract as your doing said task.
I always chat about something else like 'oh we're going to go to the park/softplau/grans) and we'll do xyz but not mention the task I want them to do but just do it and it seems to work

It's partly a phase but I do think you need to be a bit stricter.

I have a 5 second rule, if I've asked 3 times and DS has not come to brush his teeth/get dressed etc I will count down from 5, I hardly ever get to 1 because he will do what he's told. The key is if you do get to 1 then you need to follow through with a consequence, I.e no treats/whatever they would not like to be taken away.

I understand where you're coming from with the tooth brushing but this is a non negotiable for me, I will brush DS's teeth whether he likes it or not, I'd rather a few tears than the poster above having to have teeth removed/fillings etc.

It's cruel to be kind but you need to have consequence's.

This boxset How To Talk So Kids Will Listen (and Listen so kids will talk) was recommended to me. They're all quite similar but the tone is adjusted for various stages.

The Little Kid one REALLY helped me in the toddler years. It can be badly summarised as

1. Sympathise - It looks like you REALLY don't want to get dressed.
2. Acknowledge feelings - Getting dressed can be boring.
3. Explain why it is important to do what you're doing - The problem is, we have to go out now and it's so cold.
4. Give options - Do you want to choose your own outfit, or do you want to wear this?
5. Praise when they do it - Wow you did that so quickly! We might even have time for a quick tickle!

I'm sure this isn't the actual strategy the authors were going for, but this is kind of what I do, and its kept most of the nonsense strops away.

Well done and keep going, they'll grow out of it one day.