Getting 11 year old to bed

[Cramlington567]

11 year old and quite stubborn. She doesn't seem to need the 9 hours that the school recommends and gets to school on time and is doing well academically. This is the thing that causes all the arguments. She procrastinates for hours when we tell her to get in the shower and finally spends an hour getting ready for bed which can be midnight on a school day.

I can see this is going to be an ever increasing battle. Should we fight this battle or let her manage it herself, as long as she is at school on time and it's not causing any issues otherwise. My partner is very strict and can get shouty when she doesn't do as she is told and many an evening is ruined lately by these battles but my daughter doesn't respond well to being forced to do something. Not sure what to do next.

I would give up the fight, honestly. I wouldn’t allow electronic devices or tv but if she wants to read or hang out/do hobbies till midnight and will wake at the right time and go to school and perform well, I don’t see the problem. I didn’t have a bedtime from maybe 7/8.

My 11yo doesn't have a "go to sleep" time, just a "teeth done and into your room" time. She doesn't have devices in her room after this time. She's welcome to read, draw, play her keyboard (with headphones) or any other quiet activity.

If she's procrastinating at the shower stage, send her in as soon as she gets in from school. Then she can go into pjs after it. Especially now it's winter so no real trips out in the evenings.

Is your partner her dad?

My son is 12 and has autism, has no concept of time and tbh he usually goes to sleep between 22.30-23.00 and is up at 6.45.
showers are a struggle as never wants to get in, then never wants to get out but I try do it as soon as he’s had dinner

I'd give up the argument, if in room not on games / phones it's time to self regulate. Dts are 12 they are up by 10, usually asleep by 1030 but up at 6 for school.

I wouldn’t tolerate disrupted evenings at 11..
That stage should be over by age 3.
l would tell her firmly to go and shower as soon as homework/ reading is done after school.
if she didn’t go l would take her hand, lead her into the bathroom turn on the shower and stand there handing her shampoo etc until she got the message it is not negotiable.
same with bedtime, l would say 9 pm upstairs, no phone, tablet, hug her, chat or read with her for 10 minutes, then leave her to read quietly until she fell asleep, no coming downstairs.

I think having a shower when she gets in from school ps a great suggestion.

I'd get her to have a snack around 8 and hand over devices at 9 but after that it's up to her to do a quiet activity in her room if she can't sleep.

Can your DP see that his attitude isn't helpful?