Is mum lying about child being ill normal?

[rob38]

Is it normal for a mother to lie about their children being ill?

My son and daughter stay with their mum most of the week. As far as I understand from my son and daughter, their mother was not able to take them to school on Monday and Tuesday because she was unwell.

When I picked my 5 year old daughter up from school today she told me that "mum lied about me being ill to school when I wasn't" and told school that this was why she could not come in. When I checked with school, her mum had told them she couldn't come in on Monday and Tuesday because she had a stomach ache and headache, which was a lie.

When I checked with my son's secondary school, they were informed me that they were told by his mother that he couldn't come in on Monday and Tuesday because he was refusing to come in, which was also a lie.

Is this normal behavior from their mum?

No it’s not normal behaviour. Was the mum sick and perhaps unable to drop the children off at school but didn’t want to say this to the school so just said they were sick instead?
I’m a teacher and I’ve had parents say this before because they don’t want their child’s absence rate to go too high and feel they might be judged if they tell the truth if they were unwell themselves.
Best thing to do is ask your ex about what happened as the school have mentioned the children were sick but both kids said they weren’t.

There is a history of possible Fabricated Illness by Proxy with my son who was due to have an assessment for FII at hospital last year.

My daughters attendance is fine, but my sons has been terrible recently.

I have informed the Senco at my daughters school and safeguarding at my sons school.

Their mother has a history of fabricating incidents with me and disorders in my son. This has included making false statements to the court and the Police etc. and manipulating and assessment.

Of course you know that it's "not normal", you have said she fabricates illnesses and lies to courts/police. You have already reported her, so what's the advice you seek?
Yes, you should be worried about your children and do everything you can to safeguard them. I wouldn't trust her at all, could you be sure that her fabrications and manipulations won't escalate into causing actual illnesses?

The level of false statements etc. about my son that led to him being booked for an assessment for FII, were far worse then her lying about my daughter this week and so I did not know if her lying about my daughter might be something an odd parent might do, or completely abnormal.

I am positive that my son is a victim of FII, and am afraid that she could make them both sick, poison them or get them falsely diagnosed with something. However I have voiced my concerned to Social Services repeatedly and not got anywhere. They will only do something after my children have been physically harmed it would seem.

It's a shame that you cannot coparent cooperatively and support each other. If your ex has made allegations against you, I can understand why this would not be possible but clearly she isn't coping well and you should be trying to get to the root of that/giving her support rather than point scoring.
It could well be that

1. Your son is a school refuser and your ex is getting threatening letters regarding EWO and attendance fines.
2. Your wife was poorly this week and had no one to do drop off or pick up.

In both situations, she may well have felt forced into a corner, namely it was easier to lie than to have an escalated conflict situation with your son, or to have the Attendance Officer breathing down her neck or to have either school judging her.
Her only option otherwise would be to off role but home education is very hard and means not being able to work.
I am not defending her decisions (poor attendance due to illness would mean the school asking for medical evidence or eventually referring anyway) but I can understand why she made them, especially if you are doing tit for tat with regard to Social Services.

Either she is too lazy to get them in or she is sick herself or she is unable to force the eldest in or she has Munchhausens by Proxy.
All said, it sounds like an unamicable split with toxic elements.
Why have you not got custody or joint custody?
Is the eldest neurodivergent?
What is the status of your relationship with your children?

So you're on here looking for ammunition to use against your ex?

That is one hell of a dripfeed. No-one here knows whether your wife should be investigated for FII. I certainly know of mothers whose children have complex mental and physical health struggles that have led to false accusations of FII and even ruined some lives...

Thank you for your help though, I just didn't know if some parents lied like that about kids, or if it was part of the larger issue.

Since successive governments have made attendance the hill on which they will die, as opposed to actually caring about SEN provision and levelling up, there will always be parents that lie.

Whether this is because they are struggling themselves or want to go on a cheaper holiday that year or have no clean uniform or cannot manhandle/bribe a teen taller than themselves to get up or know that attendance will be unauthorised if they say the child needs a Duvet Day...they are left with few options.

We talk about mental health but too often it is lip service only. We talk about family support but too often there is no practical support available. We talk about breaking down boundaries but disallow part-time timetables.

I personally think school days would be better if they went from 10.30-17.30 as the teenage brain would perform better later. I'm sure there's a study somewhere.

Is it normal to lie?
Not usually in a functional family. Even then, the most middle class families tell huge whoppers to go on holiday in term time.
Is it worth telling the truth?
Not usually in a dysfunctional family. Nobody's going to wade in with paying the fuel bill, collecting the pupil, providing a breakfast, laundering uniform or making reasonable adjustments with a reduced timetable. Some pastoral staff used to do a couple of those things but now the need is greater and the stress is higher. It makes me angry and despairing in equal measure.

Oh and "good" attendance is deemed to be 96% or higher.
95% is okay but will still get some finger wagging.
90-94% will get recriminations/pupils on report.
Less than 90% will get threatening letters/interventions.
Less than 85% will get home visits/Education Welfare Officer involvement.

There is a link between attendance and attainment, absolutely.
However, the stick only serves to demotivate disaffected students and shame vulnerable/chaotic families. I don't have the answers. I wish I did.

You said mum was ill and unable to take children to school. I'm guessing she told school the children were ill so they didn't get an unauthorised absence.

I was unable to get out of bed last week, my children were taken to school by their dad. Had this not been an option I'd have probably had to call them in ill.