Am I asking for too much for support?

[Rachel013]

I have a 11 week old baby who currently has a virus and a high temperature.

This is all new too me, and I usually rely on my MIL to support me but she was away - I’m closer to my MIL than I am my actual mother which makes me so sad.

Anyway, the other night I had probably 20 minutes sleep all night - my MIL rang my mum and said pop and see her she needs you for support etc.

My mum rang me and said “We will pop round” I said whose we? She said me and your dad. I’m not hugely close to my dad, and at this moment in time after not cleaning the house, not washing, a dog barking, a baby screaming, I just wanted my mum I didn’t want an audience of my mum and dad. And for some reason when my dad is around my mum, she changes - she’s not a supportive mum she’s just not who I know and love.

She said ok. So I hoped she would have come alone!…. Fast forward 2 hours, she didn’t come alone she came with my dad. They both stood downstairs, and it was how I knew it would be, the dog barking, they’re stood there and just muttering to each other about my house being messy etc.

I said I’m upstairs changing the baby, my mum didn’t come up for a while. She then came upstairs and I just said to her I really hoped she would have taken my thoughts into consideration and not have came with my dad as it’s causing too much noise in the house, the dog is barking, he’s not bringing anything to the table just stood there and I was hoping I could have a 20 minute nap, a shower or eat etc. She responded that “it’s fine” and I said it’s not fine as my feelings have been dismissed, and I’m being dismissed in my own house. My dad overheard the conversation, and he was shouting from the bottom of the stairs that I need to grow up, that I’m childish and other things.

I asked them both to leave. I honestly thought she would come round and support me. She didn’t even help me with my baby, take his temperature with me, help me just have 20 minutes to myself - they couldn’t wait to leave.

Am I asking for too much to have an ounce of support from my own mother?

She wonders why I call my MIL over her as she’s not emotionally available.

My dad is a nasty man and she knows how I feel about him, and she still brought him along full well knowing how I feel.

I feel unheard. I feel so pissed off. And I feel that they have just completely made this about them and not about my poorly baby and supporting me.

I don’t even know where the comments from my dad came from that I have to grow up because I’m grown.

I feel the need to vent and to just get this off my chest. I’m utterly pissed off.

Sometimes people disappoint us. Is she under your dad's thumb? Take care OP

@BCBird I think so. She changed when she’s with him. Just disappoints me as I was waiting for them to show their true colours again. I really thought they’d change for their first grandchild and make an effort 😞

It’s not how I would behave to anyone in my home, but you sound exhausted and beyond being able to do much more than get through the day. You can manage without your mil or mum holding the baby while you shower, you just do it fast and the baby might cry for some of it but it won’t hurt them. Similarly you can tidy it just takes longer with a baby to hold. Poor you, the early months can be so tiring but it does get easier and sick babies are always a worry.

@TomeTome thank you - I can manage without them I know. I did say to my MIL to not call my mum but she was worried about me - naturally. I just thought she would have wanted to bond with her grandson - I feel completely let down, it’s sad as she’ll miss out in the long run.

God, what a typical Mumsnet response - no one here thinks you should ask for help or find life with a newborn tricky at all!!

OP, it's really sad that you can't rely on your parents for help. I don't think you're asking for too much support; it's normal for other family members to rally round when there's a new baby, especially when there's illness. That's how human societies have evolved, but sadly many people's lives don't accommodate that. It's good that you at least have a supportive MIL.

I hope your little one is better soon and you've been able to get some rest.

@Sheeponacid thank you means a lot x

OP, it's really sad that you can't rely on your parents for help. I don't think you're asking for too much support; it's normal for other family members to rally round when there's a new baby, especially when there's illness
I don’t think it is the norm for people to have a lot of hands on support. It doesn’t help to make out everyone else has that to fall back on. In my group of friends only one couple had parents who helped a lot in that way. Perhaps it’s a typical MN response because that’s the typical MN experience?

You sound like you're exhausted . It's a shame you can't rely on your mom for hey. Can your DH do more ?

@sheeponacid two posters before you. Neither said she shouldn't ask for help or should be able to cope. Who are you talking about?

Op. It's shit when famies don't behave how we want. I've learnt to accept them how they are and take the help I can. So for me in that situation......dad - sit there and hold baby. Mum - can you jist hang up the washing. I'm off for a shower, back in 10 minutes. -- that isn't you being bossy....they came to help.

Do you have a partner or are you on your own. (Yes I did read mil but you didn't mention a partner.)

That "it's fine" has really pissed me off on your behalf, @Rachel013 . It's not fine. Your mum doesn't get to decide what's fine and what's not fine.

Your MIL acted only from good intentions but I would tell her that your parents' visit distressed you and you don't want her to call them for help again.

I think having a new baby is a very challenging time for the children of toxic parents, bringing a lot of emotions to the surface. Add on to that a poorly baby and no sleep and it's no wonder this has knocked you for six.

The priority is sleep. Where is the baby's dad, I assume he is in the picture since you have your MIL?

I hope the baby is feeling better soon.

@tribpot this. Honestly, I’ve had therapy from my childhood and how they treated me.

Yeah he’s here with me at home, he’s self employed and he was up from 1am - 430am with me whilst I was on the phone to 111.

I did say to my MIL to not call her again, she now knows what she’s like. Just a shame 😞

If they were so awful that you needed therapy,why on earth would you want/expect them to be in your child's life anyway?

If they couldn't step up for you,they won't for your wee one.

Your MIL sounds nice,but still a shitty decision on her part.

It's sad that it's not most people's experience then, because it's normal human behaviour. And there's certainly nothing weak or pathetic about asking for help when you're struggling with a newborn - contrary to what a lot of people claim on here, it's widely acknowledged ( in the real world) as being one of the hardest times in our lives.

@Mumdiva99 i just always expect more from people you know. It’s a shame, and I’ve been through situations before with them and I know they’ve always let me down but I keep running back to them.

My husband can’t stand them, said they’ll never change and he’s right but I struggle to accept that.

My husband does help, when he gets back from work he lets me crack in and has baby. It was my first time dealing with a sick baby, and it all felt too much for me, it’s scary when they’re unwell. You feel so helpless.

I just thought my mum would understand a she’s been there. But she didn’t, she just made me feel worse 😞

@PubicZirconia I just thought they’d change when they have a grandchild. Stupid of me.

I was talking about the poster telling her how to get jobs done with a crying newborn. Sure, it's possible to do that, but the OP was hoping for some help so she could have a shower in peace, and get some sleep, not tips on how to struggle on alone. Maybe I just read it wrong.

Sorry OP 😞

Once an asshole, always an asshole.

Congratulations on your lovely baby though!

I actually think your MIL was entirely out of order to call your mum. I’m also not entirely sure what support specifically they were being called on to give? If one of my kids was poorly and DH was away, I might call my mum and ask her to pick up some more calpol for me or to take the toddler out while I deal with the poorly baby etc. Some people are better with practical tasks and your mum may have felt unsure what support you needed, especially if you are not close.

In terms of poorly baby and sleep, you and your DH need to take shifts so you can each get at least a 4 hour block of sleep. Hope your little one is feeling better soon.

My mum had a similar sounding relationship with her parents and even as my grandad lay dieing in his 80s they managed to be nasty to my mum and make her the scapegoat for my granddad's nastiness toward the nurses.

I know that's just anecdotal but the point is these people rarely change. You probably cope a lot better with them out of the way.
Because their attitude makes you feel like you are not coping.

If people are critical at times like that keep them at a distance.
Other than that just sending you a hug cos it's hard with newborns and sometimes you just need some support. I had a lovely health visitor who literally dragged me out of the depths of despair but I couldn't rely on my mum. Don't feel guilty about having a nap if you get chance when/if baby does.x

@Luddite26 thank you - makes me feel calmer reading kind responses. I do cope better without them. Just feel completely let down. Before he was born she said they’re worried they won’t see him much, and I said they have to step up and make an effort as I don’t want part time grandparents. They’ve not even been part time, they’ve been completely non-existent grandparents. I just keep reliving them leaving and shouting at me in my own house with my baby screaming. It’s just awful of them and unforgivable 😢

It's sad that it's not most people's experience then, because it's normal human behaviour.
It’s kind behaviour but not the norm, or it WOULD be most people’s experience. As I said most of the people I know didn’t have that back up from parents OP was hoping for and actually neither did my parents or grandparents.

And there's certainly nothing weak or pathetic about asking for help when you're struggling with a newborn - contrary to what a lot of people claim on here, it's widely acknowledged ( in the real world) as being one of the hardest times in our lives.. Nobody suggested it was weak. Having a new baby is hard work but certainly not the hardest time in my life.

I hope your baby is getting better and your day hasn't been too stressful.
Did you hear from your mum at all? Seeing to a newborn can make you feel so isolated and experiences like this can leave you feeling so rubbish.

Hi love, no nothing - I know I won’t hear from them again. They can never see what they’ve done wrong and expect their children to accept their behaviours. Now I have a baby I’m no longer doing that. It actually surprised me how much their actions affected me that day and I don’t want that energy to be around my baby. Thanks for checking in!