My son hates nursery :(

[YoungerHeart]

My son who is 3 started nursery around a month ago and he was so excited to go. However since he's started he absolutely hates it and cries every morning before he goes.

He's started trying to take his clothes off when I'm getting him dressed so he doesn't need to go and will try to run away when we get there.

It's heartbreaking watching him. His personality has also changed and it's affecting his sleep and mood id say as well. He's developed a nervous facial tic since starting and from the minute his eyes open he's repeats I don't want to go to nursery.

The staff tell me once he's in he's ok and only occasionally needs settled and asks where we are. I know several other parents whose kids go there and they 100% rate it and the staff.

We've also always had had positive experiences with the staff so far. When I ask my son why he doesn't want to go he says he doesn't like it but doesn't go into anymore detail. Essentially he says he just wants to stay here with me.

I work so I tell him me and his dad won't be here and nursery is his time to go and learn and have fun.

When he says I don't want to go I've tried ignoring and keeping the conversation going about something else, I've tried being really positive and saying as you'll be fine once you get there, I've tried sympathising but I don't know what the best thing to do is!

Can Anyone give me any advice or tips? How long will this go on for :(

Not every nursery suits every child, maybe your friends like that nursery but it might be better for your son to try somewhere new, imagine going to a place you dread everyday! Start looking an other options, would a child minder suit him better? More of a home environment? My sons went to a preschool rather than a nursery but my nephew suited a nursery better more if a chilled environment.

This is pretty common behaviour. Obviously he would rather be with you and is trying very hard not to go. However once he's there he actually enjoys it.

My parents thought I hated nursery as I behaved similarly until one day I asked to go on a non-nursery day. I was well and truly rumbled and my parents didn't fall for my whining again.

@AnnaMagnani I think and hope this is the case as they sent me photos and videos and he looks like he's joining in and having good fun and when we collect him he's fine.

It's just the initial getting him there!

@Favouritefruits 100% but I chose this one as it was large and had a massive outdoor space which is right up his street. I wanted quite a bust nursery as I think he would get bored very easily in a small one.

He's always been the most sociable, active and outgoing child so it totally took us by surprise. He goes to classes on his own and he's never been a bother leaving us. I don't know what's different now.

My daughter went into nursery without issues at 9 months
She started another nursery at 2 after a 3 month gap and she was pulled every morning from my arms for the first month but fine once I left. The second month she walked in on her own but was a bit tearful when I put her down. From the 3rd month she has walked in happily, maybe 1 days a month she doesn't want to get dressed to go to nursery.

I would give it a bit longer and maybe see how they are in the new year as they are settling.

As hard as it was I kept drop off at short as possible. Did a kiss in the car before I got her out of her car seat. Once inside it was a quick squishy cuddle and passed her straight to the staff. Turned around and didn't look back. I carried her in every day so that we didn't have the battle of her running away. It did get so much easier at weeks 4-5.

We had an absolute nightmare with this so I feel your pain OP I really do. We met with the nursery & worked with them on some ideas which included DD getting to bring a toy she liked in to nursery, getting a teddy bear dressed & ready to go, doing a list of tasks we needed to do in the morning & ticking them off. They also gave her some incentives for when she got there. It did improve for a while. Ultimately though we now know DD is autistic (not saying this is the case for your DS) & the environment was just too noisy & busy for her. Could you meet with the nursery to discuss managing the transition?

This is sooo common. I would just suggest rewarding the times he does well, get him a star chart and make a big deal out of him getting dressed etc. even better if nursery help and will give him a star there too for going in without too much fuss.
And as hard as it is, try to keep positive and distract him from any negatives.
Can you do play dates with any of the other kids?

@Superscientist yeah I'm quite firm with him at drop off and just say ok let's get your jacket off it's time to go in me or whoever is picking him up will see you at lunchtime. Give him a kiss and then hand him over.

Sometimes he walks in but then cries or sometimes he I have to hand him over crying. The receptionist lady says he is worse when I drop him as opposed to his dad but it's not always an option for my husband to drop him.

@GertrudeSteinsbook thanks! This is helpful. We have given him his comforter in his bag and he seems to be using that when he is upset. And I always give him an option of what he wants me or his grandparents to bring him at pick up like a snack or a toy he likes.

I emailed the nursery with my concerns but they said just keep doing what we are doing and as far as they as concerned he's settling in fine.

This is really common. My eldest (3.5) has been in nursery since 10 months old and he still has phases of crying and clinging at drop off. As I’m on mat leave we switched him from independent nursery to our primary school’s pre school. He clearly enjoys it when he’s there but he’s sad at drop off. It’s understandable. 3 year olds find transitions hard and they’d rather not be separated from us. As soon as the transition has occurred and they realise it’s okay they have a good time. If you are happy with the nursery then I wouldn’t change it. It’s good practice for reception.

@ExcitingRicotta we don't really know any of the other children yet. I've asked him who his friends are but he keeps saying I don't know their names.
I think it's different children as well as they attend on all different patterns to it's hard to pinpoint anyone he's close to.

We always make a big deal with he's done well and give him little treats when we collect him. I think as you say it's just a case of persevering.

@VivaVivaa I know this is my thought. He will be attending school at 4.5 so he needs to get used to it.

Also it's 4.5 hours so not a full day.

My DD was the same. After a whole year of trying, we decided to swap nurseries and she was like a different child.

The first was large and busy, the second smaller and quiet. My DD is NOT quiet in any sense of the word, but she was completely overwhelmed with nursery 1 and thrived in nursery 2.

I would set a deadline in your mind and then swap nurseries if he isn’t any better. And you have my sympathy, it’s awful to watch / go through.

Oh and she started school this September. No issues at all.

I would change your morning routine don't mention where he is going just get up breakfast dressed and out the door, he has cottoned on that playing up gets him some extra you time.

Don't mention that he has to go because nobody is home this will worry him and cause him to play up to get extra you time he is stalling because he is unsure and can't process too much information. He should settle but it can take a while.

It's so hard to see your ds upset like that every day isn't op. My ds was exactly as you describe when he started at nursery at 3, the getting undressed, getting very upset, refusing to let go off me at the door etc, the teacher would give me a call after id left to let me know he has finally settled down as I found it upsetting, obviously didn't let ds see that. Unfortunately I have to say he didn't really settle until he was year 2/3, so going into school was hard a lot of mornings up until open. He's being assessed for ADHD and autism, it's been a very long process thanks to various factors and he's now in his teens. I think looking back it was just too overwhelming for him to enter into strange situations with people he didn't know. He still struggles with school and social situations, but is doing much better generally. Not trying to suggest your ds is either of these things, but if it carries on it might be worth keeping in mind. I really hope he settles soon.

@YoungerHeart, it sounds like you’re doing all the right things. I think actually the main reason nursery wanted to meet with was because DD was arriving every day bawling her head off & sometimes she kicked her shoes off & took her socks off on the way so they could see we were really struggling 😬. It’s a good sign that they say your DS is settling well. Our nursery were good but they often couldn’t tell us much about DD & I found out later that she often lay down at the side of the room as she found it all overwhelming 😔. It’s so hard, I think these things are often a phase. DD coped better when she had a member of staff she really liked that would spend a bit of extra time with her.

@Mrsjayy he knows we are going because he had a uniform for nursery so as soon as he sees it he starts!

Are you in a rush in the morning? My daughter is older now but will pick up on it if I am rushing her, have you tried getting up a little bit earlier so that it's a slower time to get ready?

My son was like this when he went to a playgroup. He had to be peeled off me; the nursery staff said it's a good sign of a secure bond but it didnt feel nice at the time!!

I would say give it a bit longer before trying somewhere else, as agree not all settings suit all children but otherwise hold your nerve. My son now tells me how much he liked playgroup and how fun it was

You are doing well there - it is soooooo much work when parents (mainly mums) make a massive song and dance of it.
He has been there just a month and he has started relatively late. He will get used to it.

My children blossomed with a childminder. The homely setting really helped and I liked them to mix with a range of ages.