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Parenting

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Original poster

Child responsibilities when you leave the family home

20 replies

Fedupwoman · 04/12/2023 18:44

Hiya,

Hopefully you guys can stop me from going insane.

For background i have twin girls of 7 and work full time and do the majority of the child care..clubs etc. I pay for everything (not really relevant) and as far as i am concerned live a very busy life. My ex partner (when we were together) we agreed would go part time and have the spare time for himself but also keep ontop of running the kids to and from school..housework etc. This helped out alot but he contributed minimal to bills, not even covering half the costs of the house (utilities)..the house is mine so i paid 100% of mortgage and all renovation up keep costs on the house.

Now unfortunately we have decided to split (these things happen) and now it's getting slightly messy. He wants to stay active with the kids but is refusing to help with day to day running the children about or for childcare because he now has a full time job and doesn't have time to help out. Apparently because i am the staying parent i.e. the kids are going to live with me then that's my responsibility and he doesn't have to help because he isn't the residential parent. Baring in mind i am not asking for financial support.

When i challenged him on this he said that's how things work. When i pointed out maybe it was like that in the 70s but in todays day and age parenting is 50/50. He said i was wrong and that he had researched it in the court, parenting guides and mumsnet and they all agreed with him that he didn't have any responsibilities only to see the children as and when suited him.

So...tell me..are we still old fashioned and it's down to the mum to sort and sacrifice things to keep the children happy.and healthy or am i right and he should be sacrificing also to work with me to parent the kids....

OP posts:

Singleandproud · 04/12/2023 18:47

He is correct in that you cannot force a person to see their children even if court ordered.

Morally what he should do is continue to parent his children

Bonniegirlie · 04/12/2023 18:49

So tell him that you will have to get financial support from him to pay for the help that you are going to need seeing that he has decided to abdicate his parental responsibilities

saraclara · 04/12/2023 18:51

If he's not helping, then he needs to be paying.

Interested in this thread?

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Families General parenting

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 04/12/2023 18:52

Get the CMS going. If he won’t help he can pay maintenance.

BoohooWoohoo · 04/12/2023 18:53

He is correct.
If you go to court then he can dictate when he can se the kids and he will get that as long as it’s less than 50% of the time. Court won’t care if he even says once a month for an hour plus 50% of birthdays and Christmas.
Unfortunately he is only required to be pay Child Maintenance (nothing towards childcare) and if he’s self employed then be prepared for him to rearrange his finances so he pays you very little maintenance.

Overthebow · 04/12/2023 18:54

He’s correct that he doesn’t have to, even though he really should. But you should claim child maintenance from him.

SBHon · 04/12/2023 18:54

Bonniegirlie · 04/12/2023 18:49

So tell him that you will have to get financial support from him to pay for the help that you are going to need seeing that he has decided to abdicate his parental responsibilities

This.

I can’t understand not sorting child maintenance payments anyway, it’s in the benefit of the children surely?

TomatoSandwiches · 04/12/2023 18:57

I would be putting a claim in for maintenance and tell him when the children are available on my schedule, he can fit around that if he wants to be a dick.

Workawayxx · 04/12/2023 18:58

Morally he should see and contribute to the dc. Either 50/50 or whatever agreed between you. In practice you can’t force him to do a particular amount of childcare unfortunately but you can insist on a regular schedule for the dc sake.

ErinAoife · 04/12/2023 19:00

Put a claim for maintenance if it is not 50-50.

vernatheraven · 04/12/2023 19:05

You can't force him to take responsibility as much as he should or at least offer a compromise between you both but you can put in a CMS claim.

If he doesn't pay then they can put him in collect and pay which means he has to pay an extra 20% on top for their trouble.

Is mediation an option to gain a compromise?

Original poster

Fedupwoman · 04/12/2023 19:09

Just to clarify... i won't be going after maintenance he can't afford to live normally with me..yet alone contribute to 2 children. He doesn't have any legal responsibility for the child (complicated story) and i am fine with him not paying anything...i am in a good position to support myself and the children.

What i don't want to end up in the situation of is me putting in all the work...being effectively a single parent and him swooping in and out when he feels like it because it fits in with him...because they are no longer convenient for him. I have already been accused of keeping them from him and he hasn't even left yet. He calls me a bad parent everytime i disagree with what he wants and i just want to avoid the conflict especially infront of the children (has already shouted at me infront of the kids).

But i understand that i can't force him to but morally as a "parent" i would want to personally help out as much as possible to keep my children functioning. But i get it but just want to make sure i am not being the AH.

OP posts:

Sparehair · 04/12/2023 19:15

He doesn't have any legal responsibility for the child (complicated story)

so he’s not their biological or adoptive parent? Then he doesn’t have rights to see them so tell him to jog on

Singleandproud · 04/12/2023 19:19

So you set firm and reasonable boundaries for contact so nobody is messing anyone about and you can flex for special occasions.

Spending relevant day with parent on parental birthday and Mother/Fathers day.

Alternate birthday and Christmas, we do (12 noon Christmas eve - 12 noon boxing day)

Work out day-day contact but in a way that if he doesn't pick them up it doesn't mess up your work schedule and also fits in the children's hobbies if he is not inclined to take them. Whether that's 50:50, EOW, one day a weekend and dinner after school midweek, contact comes in various forms but you can't force it regardless

Ffsnotaconference · 04/12/2023 19:28

There’s a few different issues here.

How much time are they spending with him (I say they thought you said twins then ‘child’) ?

You are each responsible for the children on your time. So if the kids are with you all the time apart from every other weekend Friday to Sunday, he would have to sort childcare on the Friday and anytime he needs it over his weekend. Then to pay CMS.

You would be responsible for childcare, getting the kids to school etc on your time with them.

You can’t go to spurt to force him to take 50:50 and you can’t force him to do school runs and childcare on your time with them.

The other issue is that, he seems to not be legally responsible. This makes it far more complicated. But you still can’t force the above. You may have to go to mediation to get a set schedule if that’s what would be better for you.

Ffsnotaconference · 04/12/2023 19:30

I don’t think a court would support him being able to see them as and when he fancies, though, either.

Original poster

Fedupwoman · 04/12/2023 19:52

O.k. i can't force him to help and don't want to force him to do anything but he got upset when i said that's fine i will sort out the kids myself.

What i am trying to avoid and failing is the mud slinging i am already getting and he hasn't even left yet. He is trying to stipulate terms and doing the "woo is me" card...because i am finacially secure and a roof over my head and he has to now look after himself. When i pointed out yes...himself and it's down to me to support and care for the children apparently i am now the selfish AH.

I just don't get where i am going wrong....he is leaving..no financial responsibilities for the kids...day to day running and childcare will now be sorted and paid for by me...he gets to dip in and out when he feels like it...yet somehow still i am a nasty person?

OP posts:

tribpot · 04/12/2023 19:59

he gets to dip in and out when he feels like it

No, you will need to agree a schedule. It's not in the children's best interests to have no certainty about when he might show up.

His comments about you being nasty are irrelevant. You've been his meal ticket and he was only willing to parent his children (they are is aren't they?) when you were picking up his bills.

He is trying to stipulate terms

It sounds like you need to go to mediation and reach an agreement there. Have a think about what would work best for the children. If he can't have them overnight where he will be living, that doesn't mean he has to see them in your house.

Ffsnotaconference · 04/12/2023 20:35

He doesn’t get to dip in and out. That’s the point.

it doesn’t matter what you do, he will try and make life difficult for you. Because he feels he was entitled to your financing of him.

Thats clearly his focus. He feels you are, unfairly, making his life difficult. So he will make yours difficult.

You have to have clear boundaries and stick to them.

Rainbowqueeen · 04/12/2023 21:07

He’s clearly a dickhead who is trying to upset you.

Grey rock him. If you can’t be bright and breezy. Let him think that his comments don’t bother you.

If he chooses not to see the DC that’s his loss. Yes it will be harder on you but by ending the relationship you’ve effectively removed one major source of stress and labour from your life so you will have more space for the DC. Only agree to a set in stone contact schedule. No switching around. If he misses an agreed contact time he waits until the next time.

There are numerous threads about dickheads like this on the relationships board. Have a read for ideas on how to protect yourself and the DC

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