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Original poster

Am and Ahole if I don’t want Xmas with my MIL?

24 replies

Jazzhands7 · 04/12/2023 09:42

My MIL went into a nursing home this year she is out in the sticks and my husband wants to see her for Xmas and take her to lunch.

However, my kids are crying over spending Christmas with her. She is objectively, not a nice person and never has been. She’s rude to staff, and basically everyone around her. She complains the whole time but then when we drop her off says she’s had a lovely time.

To be honest because it’s a long way in the middle of no where I can’t even find a place to take her to lunch so we would probably be eating in the nursing home I guess?

I don’t really mind but my kids are tweens and Christmas is still important to them and they are crying over having to go see her on Christmas Day. If she was a nice person I would tell them to buck up but I do get it as she is a mean woman and will probably ignore them most of the time and tell them off if they are making “too much noise” (asking questions) but then still lament not seeing them.

Am I being an asshole if I ask my husband if we can see her the day after Christmas?

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GreatGateauxsby · 04/12/2023 09:49

It means a lot to your DH. Assuming
he is a good man / you love him

I would make the kids do a pre Christmas visit and bring nice consumables for your MIL to show willing and then maybe all go as a family on Boxing Day too.

for Xmas day itself:

  • you are holding down the fort sorting out the food at home.
  • your DH can go and see her and do as he wants for the day
  • kids can go with dad if they want but aren’t obliged.
AmandaHoldensLips · 04/12/2023 09:51

Tell your DH he can go and see her, even have lunch with her if he wants, but you and the kids will be staying home on Christmas Day.

cpphelp · 04/12/2023 09:52

Off topic, but if your husband does go for lunch at the nursing home... you'll need to book this in advance x

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pictoosh · 04/12/2023 09:58

Poor kids. Your dh is actually being quite selfish. I'd respectfully say no. He is free to go there on Christmas Day if he chooses to but you and the kids will be staying at home. Boxing Day is a fair compromise.

idontlikealdi · 04/12/2023 10:00

This is on your husband to sort. Why she in a home out in the sticks though?

Original poster
Jazzhands7 · 04/12/2023 10:02

We are travelling hours to see her and staying in her small empty house in the middle of nowhere (kids jammed in a tiny living room). She had a urinary tract problem before being admitted so I’m expecting her house to smell of urine like her car my husband had to sell for her. Either way it’s going to be a bummer.

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Original poster
Jazzhands7 · 04/12/2023 10:03

We live a very long way away. If he goes he misses out on Christmas, Boxing Day and Eve with us.

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Original poster
Jazzhands7 · 04/12/2023 10:04

Why is her home out in the sticks? Because she lives very rural in the middle of nowhere and has for years

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Jazzhands7 · 04/12/2023 10:04

Thanks that’s really helpful

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MrsSkylerWhite · 04/12/2023 10:05

He’s being completely unreasonable. If I were in a home, I’d be very happy with a Boxing Day (or any other day) visit. Christmas Day should be at home with your kids.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 04/12/2023 10:05

Imagine if this was your mum, what would you want to happen?

OhComeOnFFS · 04/12/2023 10:06

Would it be easier if she moved to a nursing home near to your family so that your husband could visit whenever he wanted? It must be a nightmare for him.

As for Christmas, I think he should say he'll go the day after Boxing Day instead and go on his own.

OhComeOnFFS · 04/12/2023 10:07

Could you husband arrange for an industrial clean of his mum's place?

AnnaMagnani · 04/12/2023 10:10

Why is she in a nursing home?

When I worked in a care home you would get guilt ridden relatives turning up at Christmas wanting to do things like this.

Usually they hadn't considered how their relative would get in and out of a car, how they would take them to the toilet, what they would eat if they had special diets, if it would be stressful or painful for the relative and all the other things.

It rarely went well and yes the grandkids always looked miserable.

Original poster
Jazzhands7 · 04/12/2023 10:20

It’s different when the person you are seeing is a really mean person. My Dad is an absolute B$&@rd and I wouldn’t make my kids see him on Christmas Day.

As I said in my post. If she were nice I’d tell them to suck it up but she can be pretty horrible to them.

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Original poster
Jazzhands7 · 04/12/2023 10:21

Unfortunately she doesn’t want to. She likes it where she is which I understand being elderly and not wanting to move.

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Seaweed42 · 04/12/2023 10:23

I would go the weekend before Christmas and take her out that day.
Why doesn't she move to a nursing home closer to where you and DH live? If he's her only child.

Like you and him are absolutely no use to her living a day's drive away.
That's nuts.
Why is she in a nursing home hundreds of miles away.

It's absolutely not fair to the kids to make them spend Christmas in a rotten empty cold house just to relieve DH's guilt.

Original poster
Jazzhands7 · 04/12/2023 10:26

She couldn’t manage her medication and the ambulance was called a few times. She ended up really sick.

My husband organised home help but it still didn’t work because she’s on so many medications and she just couldn’t manage them herself.

Yes that why I was trying to find somewhere close by with disability access but I don’t think such a place exists that is open on Christmas Day where she is.

Yes it’ll be pretty miserable. She also has other adult untethered children (no kids) closer by but they won’t visit her Xmas day. It’s tricky and also pisses me off that their family is so dysfunctional.

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Original poster
Jazzhands7 · 04/12/2023 10:27

No she has other childless kids that live closer by (we are the furthest away) but apparently they are not visiting her on Xmas day.

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Jazzhands7 · 04/12/2023 10:28

No, not in our budget unfortunately. Christmas is tight this year.

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Seaweed42 · 04/12/2023 11:17

she has other adults kids living closer but "they won’t visit her Xmas day"

They need to create a Rota whereby each of her children takes a turn each Christmas, Easter, her birthday - whatever.

If you go along with DH just to keep him 'happy' then you are enabling this pattern to continue.
Where DH goes along with what he's doing to keep his mother 'happy'.

Only by putting your foot down will you enable him to stand up to his other siblings and get them to step up with the visits.

00100001 · 04/12/2023 11:19

Just send DH - how far away is it really that he has to spend 3 entire days??

LaurieStrode · 04/12/2023 11:40

What is the actual distance from your home to the nursing centre?

ElOlEm · 04/12/2023 22:53

Christmas is about the kids, relaxing, having a nice time and if they are that unhappy and it’s literally going to make the entire household miserable, you need to put your foot down and explain you can all go another day, but it’s unfair to go Christmas Day, if she has a UTI, she won’t know any different anyway!

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