10 year old struggles

[Nohopeforme91]

My 10 year old and me seem to be at loggerheads all the time. His dad and I have been separated for 5 years with joint custody. This seems to work for us and his older sister. Me and his dad have a good relationship and work well together as parents. The issue is everytime he's up mine and he doesn't get his own way, then all I have is "I hate you" and "I want to lie with my dad" . I know I probably shouldn't let it upset me but it really does. I feel like I'm loosing him. I try to make quality time for us and do things with him on his own but i do feel as though we have spoilt him. He cant/refuses to make himself a drink or snack and expects everything done his way. There is no empathy or concern. A few weeks ago I was quite ill and couldn't take him to soft play..and he had a full on tantrum.. even when I tried to explain the reasons we couldn't go. And then its the I hate you because we couldn't go. I don't really know what I'm looking for tbh. Hes told me he hates me this evening because I made him a meal he's ate before but now apparently doesn't like. Any one have any suggestions on dealing with a stroppy 10 year old please.

If you have a good relationship with his Dad, could you have a discussion with him about it?

I'd call him out. He knows what he's doing, and is doing it to deliberately upset and manipulate. I hate you and I'm going back to dads are all just to get his own way. I'm sorry, but I wouldn't be tolerating it. Explain to him that his behaviour is disgusting, and have consequences. Stop pandering and waiting on him, and ultimately, if he says he wants to go back to his dads, take him. Using that threat continuously to control you, I'd be taking that power away.

The average 10yo will understand the fundamentals that saying "I hate you" is a very unkind thing to say and will understand its unacceptable to say that when you don't mean it.

You also talk as though there are only two options - give in to all his whims, or have him be very rude and unkind. These are not the only options!

Planning, routine and predictability matter in the primary years. So you need to understand that he will struggle with changes to what he's expecting- like not going to soft play when you said you would. Be empathetic in that, rather than just expecting him to take it because you said so. But equally, expect reasonable manners and consideration back - so call out any "I hate you" type language as unacceptable.