4yo sad all the time

[Blessedbethefruitz]

Ds 4 (almost 5) has been telling me at bed time for a couple of weeks that he's sad. He can't come up with a reason, although he does also say that he's scared of the dark (we co sleep, he has nightlights, so it's not dark dark). Beyond starting school there haven't been any major changes lately. His behaviour and eating is the same, and he's actually sleeping better than usual (he's a problem sleeper, hence the co sleeping). Seems to be doing well at school, coming on leaps and bounds, no complaints from him or teachers.

Would you love bomb and wait this out a while, or go to the gp? We are full time working parents with a younger still breastfeeding child (full time nursery). We work flexi to avoid wrap around care for ds. He's always been sensitive, so maybe he's feeling a bit neglected? It's my busiest time of year, come Christmas I'll have a slower 9 months to spend more 1on1 time with him.

I would keep chatting, read him nice stories, give him space to talk about the scary things, lovely things to look forward to and all the good things to be thankful for.
I think there’s quite a developmental leap at that age brain wise, learning loads of new things, hearing all sorts at school and their imaginations can get a bit out of control.

Probably just shattered. Most school children (of all ages) are wiped out at this point in the never-ending autumn term.

I would look at whether his behaviour at other times suggests he’s sad or whether it is something he has said that has got concern and attention from you and so he is now repeating it because he knows that you will always listen. My daughter would do this at times and have tales to tell about bad things that happened at school but tended to be distracted by ‘tell me something good that happened today’. I think it was a phase with her and a way to get attention when she knew I was about to leave her to go to sleep so it could be similar or he could genuinely feel that way and just not be able to explain it.

Both of mine have gone through stages like this around that age. I remember crying after putting the eldest to bed one night worried about what it was that was making them so unhappy.

Being 4 /5 was what was making them 'sad', they have enough vocabulary to try and explain to you that they are feeling something but not always enough vocabulary or understanding to determine what that feeling is beyond happy/sad. So tired, jealous, bored, frustrated, burnt out, anxious can all = sad

I hate to say it as well but being sad at bedtime also probably earns some extra attention from mummy and delays bedtime and lights out a little. Why wouldn't you be sad at bedtime if it got you exactly what you wanted?

No I don't think you need to go the GP because your son has said he feels sad at bedtime for two weeks.

Sadness is a normal survivable emotion.

I hate to say it as well but being sad at bedtime also probably earns some extra attention from mummy and delays bedtime and lights out a little. Why wouldn't you be sad at bedtime if it got you exactly what you wanted?

Exactly.

Even if it is sadness at going to bed / the day ending / being over tired / whatever, so what? It passes and it's good to learn that sadness is okay to experience.

My 4 yo says this every night because she knows I will give her an extra cuddle before she goes to sleep. She does a cycle of delay tactics - I need another drink/I need another wee/im sad etc etc etc

it will pass 😊

So his regular day to day behaviour is not concerning in any way? Happy enough at home, eating fine sleeping well??
Then no, I would not be seeing a doctor for a small child saying they feel sad a few evenings in a row.
Tiredness and feeling a little needy is the most likely thing. Give h as much positivity and time as you can manage. Remind him of any upcoming exciting things. Keep him in routine and ensure good food and decent bedtimes.
If he's still saying in in January after a holiday then maybe dig a little deeper.

Explain that feeling sad sometimes is a normal human emotion and it's nothing to worry about.

Sometimes we feel sad just because our life has changed a lot and we're not used to it. he goes to school now and that's a big change.

Sometimes we feel sad when our bodies are busy fighting off germs that want to make us ill and we don't feel ill but our bodies don't have the energy to make our happy chemicals (not sure of the actual science on this one but it is true that we can feel a bit down and then come down with a cold)

Sometimes we feel sad when people we love or like feel sad or if they aren;t nice to us - if our parents row or a teacher is cross or a friend is mean.

But sometimes there is no reason, and he just needs to let it pass and think of things that cheer him up and help him feel cosy and loved.

My 4 year old does this. It's partly for attention and to delay bedtime (he has a whole host of reasons he can't go to bed ranging from feeling sad to 'not being able to see how white the walls are' (?)) but also he's just absolutely shattered coming up to the end of his first term of school.

Thanks, this is what I thought, but I needed reassurance! Dr Google suggested 2 weeks of sad might be childhood depression, and I have lifelong depression and anxiety. He's a very unlucky child health wise and freak accident wise so I'm always on alert with him (his little sister is the opposite, I'm not insane)! He's under paediatrician and dietician but he's doing so much better.

He's doing great overall - maybe mentally drained, he's on the verge of reading, can suddenly write really well, and has suddenly started to be more mentally understanding and responsive, where he's always been a bit lacking before! And this quarter he is lacking in me time, and his dad is more fun and practical, less feely and constructive down time.

I do explain sometimes I feel sad and don't know why, and what I like to do to feel better. That everyone feels that way sometimes.

Thanks again :)

I totally get you on the worry especially when you have a history of depression too. I really like the advice of PPs to normalise feeling sad because I think that helps build resilience. I always felt like I had to be happy when I was a child and couldn't feel sad/angry/grumpy and I think that's contributed to some of my lifelong battles.

Maybe explore the sadness at a different time… sad can mean a lot of things, and come for many different reasons. Helping him develop an emotional vocabulary and be expressive about them is great… he sounds like a wee sweetheart. You’re doing a fantastic job Mama, so please don’t doubt yourself.

@fourelementary I've never seen this info before, thanks - it'll be helpful for finding my words! Right now we just have a book about worries.