Feeling burnt out from 8-week old's crying

[esgill]

I feel really burnt out. I had a hard pregnancy: 20 weeks of terrible sickness where I constantly felt like I was sea sick and hip pain and leg cramps all the way through which kept waking me up every 20 mins or so at night.

My birth was hard too: one week labour (obstructed), followed by an induction and then an emergency c-section due to fetal distress and me getting an infection and fever. I lost 1.3 litres of blood.

The first month of having baby was exhausting. She wasn't sleeping much at night and she was cluster feeding day and night. I was still seeping more than in pregnancy.

She is now sleeping a bit better but has been extremely fussy since week 5. She went from crying in the evening to crying pretty much all day. The thing that's upsetting me the most is that she went from cluster feeding to randomly, at different times of day (seldom at night), having a nursing strike. She goes absolutely insane at the boob and only feeds again after being coaxed to sleep. I just feel so exhausted as before it was a guaranteed way of pacifying her. I'm not sure whether she's distracted by the world around her or has digestive issues/reflux. She does like being upright/in the sling more than she likes lying down during the day. She is gaining lots of weight so that's not an issue. I've seen the GP and HV several times and tried infacol, gaviscon, gripe water on their suggestion to no avail.

People said it would get easier after 6 weeks. I feel it just keeps getting harder and she's screaming more and more. I'm wondering if the 1st round of vaccines intensified things or whether I'm just more exhausted now. Every time she cries I feel extremely triggered. i have intense brain fog and can't do anything else with my day.

We get brief little moments of smiling and cute cooing sounds (about 10-30 mins of a wake window) and then she's upset again the entire time.

Last night she woke up screaming at 2.30 am (she usually wakes up for feeding but calmly). I don't feel I've slept properly since January, before I was pregnant and I'm so so exhausted I just feel my husband and I need help. We don't have family around and it feels too much to ask friends to help, particularly as the problem is the screaming and I'm exclusively breastfeeding..

Thanks for reading my venting. Any advice/reassurance on when it might get better is welcome. I'm so exhausted and not sure how much more I can cope with this level of screaming and upset.

Could she just be hungry? I know a lot of people will disagree with this suggestion but if I was in your shoes I’d try giving her formula.

In terms of help are you in a position to pay for a maternity nurse or mother’s help of some kind to come in for a few hours a day? I don’t know how rare these are but I actually saw an ad today for a carer who works exclusively with new mothers and their babies.

It's so tough being a first time mum but you are doing amazing and well done!!! The newborn phase in an intense 3 months and it is all about getting to know your baby. Honestly, in a few months there will be less crying and you will realise her cries were from many things like boredom, tiredness, hunger, fullness.

My advice is to try and get out. Do what you can. A bit of shopping, a bit of a walk.

I also don't think you should worry about baby being hungry if you are bf and your baby is gaining weight. Baby's go through cluster feeding not just to increase milk supply but also to change the composition of the milk.

I always wore baby a lot at this age because mine were always really upset otherwise. I just found it easier. They were happier in a wrap just watching the world go by.

@N4ish I don't think she's hungry. If anything I have oversupply as she's gaining around 400 g a week and I have to pump between feeds as I keep leaking. I am really upset with the random breast refusals and don't know why it's happening -- I wondered if maybe she learned that overeating leads to vomiting milk as this has happened a fair bit.

If this keeps going I think I will need to get extra help....

Why do you think she is refusing the breast? She may not be hungry or not want comfort... No?

Baby's strat to have less feeds as they get bigger. She might just not want milk? ...

Don't want to sound patronising I just wonder why you are concerned if she doesn't want milk.

@Katy231 it's so exhausting, I knew parenting would be hard but didn't realise it would be this hard. I don't have time to think.

Cluster feeding was sooo exhausting (and painful) but now it's over I sort of miss it because at least I could always meet my daughter's needs. Now she screams at the boob and all I can do is pass her to my husband to get her to sleep or take her around in the sling.

Babywearing is a godsend -- it's the only thing that is guaranteed to get her to sleep. I'm not sure why it works so magically. When did things ease for you?

Formula and a dummy

Just have done with it and move on.

I breastfed DS for six weeks - he screamed like you've described. Gave him a bottle of formula - wolfed it down and slept for six hours. Poor kid was just hungry

@Katy231 re the nursing strikes it's weird. I guess it was just the overnight nature of it and that sometimes she does seem hungry -- like she roots and looks for the boob, but when she is screaming her screaming intensifies when she gets close to it and then she needs a sleep to calm her down. They say you can't overfeed a breastfed baby so I was feeding based off that and reassured I could always calm her by feeding her.

For instance, we're going on holiday at the end of the month (just a short break to a European city) and people are saying "just feed her during take off and landing" but now, unlike the first month, she doesn't always accept the boob -- it could end up making her more upset. I feel like she wants comfort from the boob but is finding too much milk uncomfortable. Unfortunately she won't take the pacifier.

I think things get a bit easier at 3 months when they cry less and make other noises. It helps you to understand when they are really upset or when they are fussy/bored. Then it gets a lot easier at 6 months. When they can sit up and interact with the world more.

A lot of the time as new mums we underestimate how alert baby's are. We get stuck in the cycle of feed, rock, sleep that we forget they also need stimulation too. Your baby will start sleeping a lot less now. Try and do ordinary tasks with the baby. Honestly they will enjoy it as they watch and learn.

@coxesorangepippin what made you swap to formula? Was your baby not gaining weight? I'm happy with my baby's weight gain with formula and she does seem full when she eats (she was often milk-drunk before the screaming started) but I think she's getting reflux/gas pain or some digestive tract issues in response to feeding and is generally fussier so is having shorter feeds. I miss being able to soothe her with milk (even if I don't miss the painful nipples from cluster feeding).

I can’t believe some of the unhelpful replies on here. We have a serious attitude problem towards BF in this country. They’re putting weight on and refusing milk? That doesn’t suggest the solution is formula at all.

Fussiness at the breast, nursing strike, inconsolable crying, reflux… points towards CMPA to me. Try cutting dairy from your diet for 3 days/a week and see if this make a difference op. My youngest only got bad around 4/5 weeks as it took a while for the milk to build up in her system. She was like a different baby after 3 days.

@Katy231 she is definitely interested when we narrate what we're doing for her. As well as discomfort I wondered if the reason she is feeding less now is because she's more interested in the world. She does get bored of each new activity pretty quickly so maybe she's figured on/off is fine.

Interestingly, on the day of her 8-week vaccines, she slept a lot and drank milk all day, vomiting twice. It was like she was on autopilot. Two days after she reverted to this new normal of taking some feeds and saying no to others during the day.

I'm not going to give you advice or suggest stuff, cos sometimes that's not what you need. I am going to say stuff all the "it gets easier after 6 weeks" people though. I got told the exact same and I felt the same as you at 8 weeks- it was even harder than before and I felt like I must be failing somehow and failing my baby and just helpless in many ways. You have so much empathy from me. I promise it will get better and you will get through this bit, I know that sounds like lip service but it is true. I promise. My babies are 10 and 13 years old now and they're thriving. I know that is a world away from the stage you are at but I remember the baby stage like it was yesterday. Huge hugs mama, you are doing so well and it's okay to be finding it hard.

You're going to get lots of suggestions on here and on the internet op. The truth is, you know your baby best. Honestly, trust your own instinct x

You are doing an amazing job and baby's are hard work. Don't forget, we all go through it and we all do it. You are no different. You will get through it too and you will be an expert on your baby soon!

@Wedonttalkaboutboris thanks, yeah I was confused about the formula suggestion. Breastfeeding is hard but I'm glad she is continuing to put on weight. I just wish she were more comfortable. I can't stand to see her cry so much and I feel so guilty and tired.

I should have added we're vegan so I don't have cow milk in my diet. I read soy can be an issue too so I'm considering cutting this out... My HV suggested trying to eat more probiotic foods but I've been doing this for 3 weeks and so far it's made no difference.

If you're going to try dairy free then do it for more than 3 days. 2-3 weeks is when you'd definitely see a difference if that's an issue.

With my eldest, I went dairy free for three days and it didn't seem to make a difference, but he did have CMPA and when I went dairy free again it took three weeks, and then he was like a different baby. He was also gaining weight fine, but his symptoms were reflux and vomiting, loads of trapped wind, he couldn't be put down to sleep, and had mucous poo. The thing that got him diagnosed was my allergy history plus a tiny bit of blood in his poo when I took him to the GP at 8 weeks. I was lucky though, loads of people get fobbed off by HV and GP, but dairy free is worth a try.

Ah I feel for you OP! Between 6-10 weeks ish my LO was basically constantly in the carrier except when feeding or when sleeping at night (which thankfully she’s always been great at). If it’s any consolation, she’s now 16 weeks and an utter joy. She was definitely refluxy and carobel worked wonders for us but she is formula fed so we could add that to her bottle. Can you speak to your GP about possible reflux? I was really keen not to over medicalise my DD but she couldn’t really be put down flat at all by the time we tried carobel. It has truly been a miracle for us! However, even without gastric issues, they’re just really fussy at this age. I think they want to do more but still get tired and over stimulated so easily. I promise things will get easier!

Ah just read your update - soy and cow milk proteins are similar and many are allergic to both, so yes, you could try cutting soy

@Inkypot Thank you x I really hope it gets better soon as my post begins, I am feeling so burnt out. Do you remember when it got easier for you? Atm I feel like I am failing in some way/doing something wrong. I went to mum & baby pilates last week and one newborn was asleep the entire time on the mat. I put my baby down, she gave me the quiver lip and cried so much i had to just feed her and hold onto her the entire time. I sort of feel like, what's wrong with my parenting/my baby? And I can't help but keep wondering what health issues are causing it as the crying is so intense even if the GP said it's normal and harmless long-term.

@Katy231 thank you, I appreciate it x -- I don't feel like an expert yet. Wish we had a live-in midwife and lactation consultant who could help.

@esgill well first of all, there is nothing wrong with your parenting at all. You tried a class and it sounds like you did pick your baby up and held her when that was what she needed. You're clearly thinking of your child's needs from everything you've said in this thread as well. That is not poor parenting at all. You are a loving, caring, hands on mum. That is certainly not a failing.
If I remember correctly it was probably closer to the 3 month mark for us that things began feeling less intense. Our eldest had a severe dairy allergy that wasn't picked up until 4/5 months though- just dismissed by medical staff over and over. But then he started on prescription formula and he was like a different baby! So much happier and settled. The main thing to remember is nobody knows your baby better than you do, and nobody is a better expert on your baby than you are. So keep doing what you're doing and if you feel there's something being missed don't be afraid to push for someone to hear you. It will be ok.

Just a thought given you mentioned oversupply - is your letdown fast?

I'm sure DD went through a similar phase and I found she was getting annoyed at the fast let down. You can hand express until the 'jet' (lol) calms down, then put baby to boob.

Also the people who said 'it gets better at X weeks' ... I think that's easier to see in hindsight. Things gradually get easier.

Its so hard but you're doing it!

Edited to add - at 9 weeks I started going to a baby group and I joked I was just there to breastfeed with a different view.
Baby will cry/fuss anyway, so do things you enjoy despite this if you feel up to it.

Have you tried calling the National breastfeeding helpline? They saved me on many occasions. Hang in there

This rings a lot of bells for me with my first baby, now 10. She was super fussy, I was so broken by 6-8 weeks. She was gaining weight and I had oversupply but she had a tongue tie (cut at about 4-6 weeks I think, she had a high palate though so it wasn't a miracle cure initially). She also eventually turned out to have CMPA and other allergies. With hindsight I think she had reflux too, but she was never sick so I didn't twig. Tongue tie is linked to reflux, as is CMPA.

Hang in there. For me I definitely remember things were feeling easier by 12 weeks (poss sooner). She became a much happier baby. And the early horror of endlessly breastfeeding a fussy baby - who rejected bottles and formula anyway - was rewarded with many months of easy, successful breastfeeding.

I got through by focusing hour by hour, day by day; when I thought about days and weeks and months I was overwhelmed. I totally get it; it's so hard. But it def gets better, and likely v soon.

I was going to ask about let down too. My youngest had a lot of difficulties managing this when tiny and I found a laid back position helped. We also had cmpa to contend with and I did cut out soya too. By the time she was 2 and a half we'd reintroduced dairy completely and now at 5 no problems at all. I found our local gps to be quite unhelpful re cmpa because I was breastfeeding, but local health visiting drop in was a god send.