Highly sensitive child

[Chilternway]

I think my son (who is nearly 4) is highly sensitive. In many ways he is a very boisterous, loud boy, who loves trains, lego and playing outside. I think he is quite bright. He has an amazing memory and quite a sophisticated vocabulary for his age. However, he struggles with transition and can have big tantrums if things don't go his way. He also gets very frustrated if he doesn't manage to do or achieve something straightaway.

He started pre-school in September, which I think has been a huge adjustment for him. His teachers say he finds it hard when moving from one activity to another, particularly if he is engrossed in the first activity. He also really hates it if he is not the first to do something as I think he then believes he is not "winning".

He had his Christmas show this morning and has been very excited about it and we were told that he was participating very enthusiastically in all the rehearsals. However, this morning, as soon as he walked into the hall with all the parents sitting there he seemed to completely freak out and he spent the entire show cuddling a teacher and looking on the verge of tears. He didn't sing or do any of the actions or even stand up. He seemed to particularly dislike it when everyone clapped at the end of each song.

I felt so sad for him and I know he will be upset that he didn't participate. I also found it disappointing as we didn't get to see him join in with the other boys. It was also hard to watch him looking so sad and upset.

I really worry as he gets older how this will impact on him and how he deals with school. I know he is only little, but he definitely finds certain situations harder to cope with than other children his age.

Has anyone had a similar experience with their child? Were you able to do anything to help them manage / cope better and/or did your child grow out of it as they got older?

Yes, most of your description could have been DS in reception class.
He was often described by teachers in yrs1-5 as 'immature', which I felt was a very unnuanced way of regarding his genuine difficulties in some areas.
The last two years of high school (aged 14-15) he was the MC at the kids Christmas revue. If anything, his competative side had come out more by that age, and his then teachers would have been amazed at the description of a reception child who couldn't handle performing in the play.

So yes, there can be dramatic changes in how a child interacts with the world and people: this is not how your DC will be forever.

There were difficulties along the way. Any personality that doesn't fit in with the box provided by a school system may experience some difficulty. Cross those bridges IF and when you come to them. For now, he sounds absolutely fine.

My son will be 4 next week and is almost exactly like this! In familiar places, with people he's comfortable around he is chatty, affectionate and outgoing. Around others or in new settings he's very shy and anxious. He doesn't handle crowds or loud spaces well at all. Sensitive to temperature and smells plus texture like certain clothes, labels etc. He's been referred to paediatrics due to concerns regarding autism, but it's all very "grey area" and I'm honestly not sure if he's just a really sensitive kid.

In the meantime we're helping him however we can - ear defenders, lots of warning into transitions where possible, routine and tbh sometimes just avoiding environments where we know he won't be comfortable. We do alot of reassuring, talking about how it's ok to be nervous, it's ok to need help or take lots of tries before "getting" something.

How are his pre school? Having a supportive staff there will make all the difference.

My daughter is like this. Bit younger than your DS, in some ways chatty and confident at nursery but in a situation she is not familiar with she freaks out and clings to me (doctors visit, party with parents there, new playgroup) She’s very observant which I think is part of it - she wants to size everything up first.

Anyway- I don’t worry as she’s just like me as a child who could often be seen walking round the playground by myself. As an adult I’d describe myself as confident in new situations and adventurous…so things change!

It’s crazy for me reading your post, I had to check for a moment whether I was reading one of my own posts!

my son is 5 and is very boisterous and loud but is sensitive to loud or sudden noises. He’s just started in reception but when he was at preschool he wouldn’t join in the singing at events even though he had previously joined in the practicing of the songs.

if he can’t achieve something he wants to do it’s instant frustration and annoyance. He’s highly competitive and if he loses or isn’t first (lining up at the door for example) then he has a meltdown.

School have suggested traits of Pathological demand avoidance (PDA) which fits to a degree. Really not sure what’s going on with him and I struggle to understand him and how best to support him and manage his difficulties.

My son is 5 in 2 months and he still cries at “silly” things that are obviously not silly to him.
Hes super clever, great with words, lots of energy, so empathetic, but just has meltdowns and I don’t know why. Today it was because his dad didn’t pick him up from school (I did) and he had a mega melt down crying out of the yard. I am ashamed to say that I hate it and feel like an awful parent and I am being judged. I am also worried that he won’t have friends as the other kids look at him obviously wondering what’s going on. I don’t want him to be known as a cry baby. It’s so hard sometimes.
Ive googled everything and thing he’s a highly sensitive child (well, I know he is!) but I’m finding it hard to navigate it.
Some days he’s full of confidence, playing with everyone and then other times it’s like he feels out of place and the tears start.

reading the above sounds so familiar. My son is 4 he likes singing nursery rhymes but any song the put on as music he gets upset although he’s fine with any music at home and in the car. He has been at nursery for two year but still has phases when he cries to go In as he says he misses me. He gets frustrated if he can’t do things right- like doing dots to practice his name. He will wear the same coat, tried new ones different materials and colours but always gets mega upset if he has to wear the new one to nursery. He will wear it anywhere else but for nursery he wants the original one. I get really stressed about this. Sometimes I think is there so something else but he doesn’t flap/ repeat/ or do any text book traits so I just think maybe sensitive. I get alot of anxiety as I feel how will he be at school. If your toddlers were like this has it for better ?

Most importantly- don’t pathologise your child, give them positive strategies to cope.

Far better to offer ear muffs ‘in case the clapping is very loud’, than to go on about how sensitive they are and how much they dislike/are afraid of noise.

When heading into a new situation, remind them that people may say hello and the polite thing is to say hello back. That they can hold your hand and give it a squeeze if they need to go somewhere a bit quieter.

I see some parents giving their child a running commentary on all the things their child doesn’t like/can’t cope with and it makes me sad.
Let’s not go over there Fred, you won’t like those balloons, we’ll sit here where we don’t have to talk to anyone because you’re shy aren’t you! Don’t worry about that Father Christmas over there, he won’t hurt you, he’s not coming over here, I’ll look after you.

Any updates above mums on how your child is now pls ?

As someone with older children – well, almost adults actually – I can offer you a bit of reassurance: whilst you may worry at the moment what impact this will have on him as he grows older, we can always imagine the worst scenarios.

My DD was extremely sensitive as a child and we had some challenging times. But I think if you give children space, don't let them believe there's something wrong with them, they're great just the way they are and support them while they're navigating this life, you may one day look at your grown up child and marvel at how they used to be this scared little boy.

I know that's not such practical advice and I don't want to make light of something that can be not such an easy time. But some children just take longer than others. It's not always easy, but most of the time, they grow up into totally capable and happy people.

He was 6 in march and he’s great. He’s more sensitive than others but he’s got a lovely group of friends (it’s mad as his best friend shows no emotion at all, but it works!). He’s much more confident and boisterous than he was when I posted. Basically 95% of the stuff I worried about then, I don’t now, and the 5% I worry about is just normal stuff.
He is clever, loves school, loves playing, and is just the best kid ever!!

The best advice I got was to let him be, and he is, and he’s free to show when he’s upset or uncomfortable. When he cries, he cries, and 2 mins later it’s done.

Thank you for your speedy reply xx
can I ask what you did to help ? Or manage ? He cries when I drop him to pre school still he has been there over year. He did get to a point of stop crying and now he has started again. Very angry when doesn’t get his way. He doesn’t give in, I pick his clothes but if he doesn’t like it ( not a sensory thing I have checked if it’s material tags etc) he will scream and cry and get angry. He’s not easy going like ok I will just wear that then - never

@S22 all small kids like to get their own way. there could be some ways to relieve frustration
eg could you just create a drawer of clothes he’s allowed to wear and let him pick his own? Then explain that sometimes you’ll help him pick a special outfit but the rest of the time he can wear what he likes as long as it’s okay for the weather.

I remember my son refusing to wear shoes when he was three years old, so I used to keep a pair of trainers in the car and let him walk to the car in his socks. Once I even let him scooter in socks! He felt uncomfortable obviously, so next time I gave him the shoes and said “this will stop your feet getting cold and wet” and the problem vanished.

also regarding crying at preschool drop off - does he seem happy at end of day? Does he have friends? Is he learning? If not then change setting if you can! But if yes then just breeze past the tears.

Our job as parents isn’t to entirely remove the causes of anger, disappointment, frustration and sadness, but to help our kids get used to dealing with those big emotions. A lot of it is simply being “that age” but look at it another way; these difficult experience are giving your dc an opportunity to learn how to cope. So in many ways it’s a necessary and valuable part of a child’s development,

My child was the same, we’ve learnt a lot about Sensory Issues (or Sensory Processing Disorder) as all the strategies for it are really helpful, whether they are autistic or not. I found the SPD checklist that some local authorities (e.g. Cheshire East) put up on their websites (in lieu of a formal assessment) really useful as are the SPD Facebook groups.
DC is now 12 and school is still a struggle, too noisy and lots of jostling in the corridors but sensory diet (i.e. wear the same t-shirt every day, headphones to block out noise, avoiding crowds, same foods every day) really helps at home.
if I’d have known about sensory issues back in Primary School I would have planned a smaller, quieter Secondary.

@NoMumLeftBehindLiz do you thinks it’s sensory then his clothing issues ? I did ask him why he says coz it’s not cool ! I have established it’s not a sensory thing as he will wear jogging bottoms , jeans , pyjama materials so it’s not the material of things so I don’t thinks it’s sensory he just has a very strong willed ( angry) if he doesn’t get to wear something he thinks is cool

Oh sorry I think I was responding more to other posts not necessarily yours S22. If you’ve done an SPD checklist and it’s not showing as indicating a sensory issue for you then ignore me!

I’m not sure if it is or not, what do you think though ? Thanks ladies. It’s so tough

The thing is, the more attention he gets from being "difficult" the more he'll be difficult. Why can't you pick out his clothes together in the evening for the day after? Try to minimise the disputes about small stuff and leave that for the non negotiables like brushing his teeth etc. My kids are older and one is autistic so refuses to wear jeans or anything uncomfortable and I have always cut of tags since they bother him.