Child refuses to apologise

[Tistheseasontobejollytrala]

Grandchild is now six , I look after her and her 7year old sibling one day a week. Since she has been a really tiny girl she has always had a complete block about saying sorry even if it’s just for small things that happen by accident, the way you say sorry as normal, standard good manners. Like when you inadvertently bump into someone, you say sorry and move on.
Yesterday we were in a charity shop, 7 year old found a mask and put it on. 6 year old reaches out her hand and jabs her in the eyes, 7 year old yells at her, tells her that hurt. I say don’t poke people in their eyes, say sorry.
Cue thumb in mouth, head down, crying.
I’m not particularly patient at this point, I think it’s ridiculous at six to make such a fuss over such a small thing. I tell her to stand by the door until we’ve finished paying. She lies down with her face on the floor by the door and won’t get up. I haul her up and get her to walk round with us. After about 10 minutes she’s stopped wailing and is back playing but not looking at me for another half an hour.
I feel at a complete loss over this behaviour, it’s taken forever to teach her to go around people and not crash into them, she’s still not great at that. A new behaviour is wailing when she can’t have more of something: telly, biscuits etc. Can keep it up over an hour and will not be distracted. The thing is my daughter is a lone parent and I know she really appreciates this child free time, but I find this grandchild exhausting.
Is this normal for a six year old and any tips on firm but kind parenting?

I work in a school with slightly older children, but find myself explaining daily that if you did something by accident then you can apologise- some children seem to think that if it was an accident then it's not their fault so they don't have to accept responsibility.
Some people, even adults, won't apologise in words, but will by their actions. My brother is one of these, he'll turn up maybe days later and do something helpful unexpectedly and without discussing it. I,ve learned to accept that as apology.
It sounds like your GD needs the adults around her to explain and model explicitly " Oh I'm so sorry, that was a an accident- are you OK?".
Specifically ask her, " Did you mean to do that? Was that an accident?" " how can you show that you care if the other person is hurt?". Maybe discuss words and phrases she can use, alternatives to " sorry" if she still objects to using that specific word. Talk to her at a quiet time, not in the heat of the moment, and keep returning to that conversation. It maybe that she sees an apology as an admission of guilt, and that might frighten her.
If she is doing these deliberately, that is a different matter, and your concerns would rightly be about the behaviour itself and not what she says afterwards .
From your description of her, I wonder if there is something underlying her behaviour. For example you talk about her jabbing a mask wearer in the eyes- was she frightened? Did she think it wouldn't hurt because of the mask? You talk about her charging around knocking into things, is she clumsy generally? Have her teachers raised any issues?
There is a lot to unpick here.

We aren't yet at 6 but the thing at the minute with my 3 yo is her thinking that if she asks nicely she will always get something. When she can't have something we are making a point to first recognise that she has asked nicely but unfortunately she can't have to for xyz.

Would she find it easier if there was a step before the apology where you recognise that it wasn't intentional but you have hurt your sister. It would be nice of you to say sorry I didn't meant to hurt you.
As a middle of 3 sisters I would probably pick an example not involving her sister and we were always much more reluctant to apologise it one another!!

I'm sorry but you don't sound very kind. Is it just you she behaves like this with or everybody?

Have you waited a while?
So not expected an apology right there and then when I'm going to guess that she's reeling from doing something wrong and being told off.
You might well have done this but it's not clear from your post so just checking

Your right she does sound like she has a behaviour problem over this but my autistic 14 year old was the same he still hates apologising now and throws a fit if you "keep on about it" (say ow because apparently saying sorry meand it stops hurting)

I do talk to her later when things are calmer. She is adamant she can’t say sorry. Yesterday she gave her sister piggy back rides and I said to them both, this is her way to being nice after the hurt. They seemed happy with that and we moved on.

When she was about four I did a teddy’s tea party type thing where we apologised for silly things like knocking over the teapot, taking someone else’s biscuit, spilling the milk. She thought it was hilarious but wouldn’t apologise to the toys. This hasn’t come up for a long time and I thought she’d got over it.

Worrying about the admission of guilt is interesting, I hadn’t thought of that. I will talk about that next week. In the car is always a good place for chats and they can both chip in. She hears apologies all the time from the adults and her three siblings, and cousins. It’s not like she lives in a cave with Neanderthals!

My two (9 and 11!!!) still find it really hard to say sorry for accidents - I have to remind them quite frequently that 'sorry I didn't mean that to happen' is a thing!

Yeah my six year old gets really upset if I ask him to say sorry. It's almost like he's embarrassed which I've always tried to be light-hearted about it if he hurt me accidentally and told him it's no big deal but it's still nice to say sorry to someone. I always say sorry to him for accidents even just brushing past or something so he's definitely used to me doing it, he just doesn't do it himself. Very frustrating

It wasn't inadvertent or an accident as PPs are saying though. She deliberately reached out and poked the other child in the eyes. It was a deliberate attack. That's more concerning than the refusal to say sorry. That and the tantrum that followed - lying on the floor and wailing for 10 minutes. She's 6, not 2.

I'd just let it all go, she may feel that you favour the 7 year old and is acting jealousy. This would explain her poiking the 7 year old in the eye. Telling a kid to say sorry is totally pointless, if they feel it they will say it. I think you think she is a bit rubbish and she is picking up on that

I don't know why but when I was a child I had a huge mental block over saying "Pardon?" when I hadn't heard somebody. I remember my grandma trying to help me and she suggested I say it in a silly way like "Puddin?" but even that was really hard. It wasn't the concept because I could easily say "What?" but of course that is considered rude. Eventually as a teenager I hit on the concept of saying "Sorry?" or "Sorry, I didn't hear you" instead and this is somehow fine I am 35 and I still do not say pardon, except in French when it's fine.

I can't explain why it was hard particularly because I don't understand it - but I can describe the feeling, it feels like a huge enormous sludge filling up my tummy so much that it starts to come out of my throat and make me feel sick. I feel like I have to "push" the words past this blockage and I can't do it. I had exactly the same response, as an older child, to saying swear words. When I moved from a more middle class primary school where nobody swore to a rougher one where everyone (except me) did, my classmates found this endlessly fascinating and would surround me in a circle and say "Say 'shit'! Say 'bloody'!" and then be utterly fascinated by my clear discomfort until one of them said it was too much and made them stop!

I wonder if your granddaughter is experiencing similar feelings and you might be able to help her find an alternative wording that would express the same thing.

For example, she could say "I apologise for..." or "I wish I hadn't (hurt you)" or you could look at physical actions she could take to show apology, such as drawing a picture for somebody or bringing them an ice pack or offering them a toy. Or would she find it easier to write the apology? Say it with her back to the person and her eyes closed? I know some of these are not ideal but as a stepping stone to a more direct apology, they may help.

Some other things you mentioned in your post - poor spatial awareness so not going around people but crashing into them, and lying on the floor face down, and still sucking thumb outside of sleep, tantruming for over an hour, impulsively hurtful behaviour towards a sibling (not from being wound up etc) - all of these are unusual behaviours at 6 (even if you don't necessarily have a problem with them - thumb sucking for example) - would it be worth suggesting mum looks into some kind of evaluation? At 6 this would be through GP or school. She would be expected to list the concerning behaviours and/or any problems caused by these behaviours. Ideally have that discussion without the child present - no child wants to hear all of their faults listed out!

you sound kind of mean and like you don't like this kid much

Lots of children hate saying sorry, particularly if it was for something that was an accident. What I think is more concerning is that she lay on the floor in a shop and refused to get up. At 6 I would say that is quite unusual. And wailing for an hour after being told no to something. My 6 year old has a whinge/wail if she has to stop something to get ready to go out, which is bad enough, but there's no way she would keep it up for an hour. That seems quite unusual behaviour.

She sounds like there might be something else going on with her. A condition like ASD perhaps, or could she be attention seeking? What's the older one like? Are they the golden child. Is the younger one jealous of their sibling and acting out in the only way she knows gets her attention?

There is a certain amount of jealousy towards the older sibling , but not massive, a normal amount. Older one finds everything easy: skipping , climbing, reading, dressing , eating with a fork not with hands, neater, the list goes on. Six year old doesn’t say anything and I’m very careful to never compare because it’s shit when lots of things are hard and your sibling is blithely skipping ahead without a care in the world.
I don’t take them out much because I find it too exhausting. Mostly I do craft things and baking with them which they love.
It’s interesting what @BertieBotts says about the visceral feeling she had as a child over certain words, because that’s exactly how I would describe it, she has a huge overwhelm around the whole thing. I want her to understand the basics of human interaction and apologising is pretty basic, especially if British! Will try different words.
Im really appreciative of people posting suggestions to help, I feel at such a loss at her behaviour sometimes. I do have my suspicions but my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it so I leave it . She’s not asking for my opinion and I’m not giving it, but she is an odd child.

Why does op seem unkind?

Forget the word 'sorry'. She clearly has a complete block that is long term and resistant. The more you go on about it the worse it will get.

There's more than one way to acknowledge one's part in an accident or event. Instead encourage her to check that the person is okay, or show consideration. She's already said to you that she can't say sorry, so offer alternative strategies.

A word block is deep set. I was at uni with a lovely guy who couldn't say his name. Nothing else wrong with him at all as far as you'd be able to tell. Happy, sociable, confident. But if a tutor asked his name, he could only stutter. If it was easy to get past such a block, he'd have done so, as the awkwardness and embarrassment must have been huge for him.

And if it was easy, your DGD would say it, to avoid the hassle and awkwardness of you trying to make her do it.

OP sounds like she has a fairly clear idea of her grandchild's personality and is trying to see how she can help her. To me that's the opposite of unkind.

There is a story I read as a child. I think it's called "the dragon in class (something)" and the children get given a task to say the hardest word. At the end of the book the boy stands up in class and says "sorry" Its the hardest word if you really mean it." Can't remember the author of the top of my head and I may well have the title wrong too. But It really resonated with me.

Just checked. Its by June Counsel and it's called the dragon in class 4. But there are lots of sequels so the sorry book might be one of the others (I went to the library a lot and got fixated on some series so I worked my way through all of them and may be a bit mixed up with which book it is)

Also, as an adult I have had colleagues make poor or unkind choices. And sorry tends to be "I'm sorry you felt that way" rather than I'm sorry for my choices or my behaviour. I think a lot of people find saying sorry and admitting responsibility a very difficult thing to do. You sound like you are really trying to find a way to support her and that's a lovely thing.