This is something really worrying me more as my daughter is getting older. I’d really appreciate advice from those with older children, especially if you had a difficult relationship with your own parents.
The back story is my parents - mum regularly, dad very occasionally- were physically and emotionally abusive when I was growing up. I was not a badly behaved child, didn’t hit or break things or lie or steal, but I think knew my own mind from a young age and would argue when I was sure I was right or not being unreasonable. I was physically punished most days for little things like too much noise, arguing with sister, disagreeing etc and told I was stupid, horrible etc regularly. I struggled with it as I grew up and both my sister and I had depression and anxiety issues in our late teens and 20s. I had therapy and came to terms with the fact that I would never have the relationship with my parents that other people have. I find it hard to say “I love you” to them as I didn’t hear it as a child and honestly I don’t think i really do which feels horrible to write but I feel that’s on them and I can’t change how they brought me up. I have a more positive relationship with them now and see them often but it is a very practical relationship. Conversations about the weather, sport etc and we help each other when we need things.
My mum did not really get on with her own parents and this is why I worry about a cycle and worry it’s a pattern. Why would she choose to repeat the behaviour her own mother showed her? Now I have my daughter and think of the possibility that she might feel towards me the way I feel towards my mum and it’s devastating to imagine. I adore her; I will never use physical punishment and am very careful with the language I use with her (I went off at my husband when he called her stupid once. Perhaps irrationally so but I think it’s important. Say “you’re acting stupid” if you just, not “you ARE stupid”)
I guess I just worry that my attempts and awareness won’t be enough and it’ll get harder as she gets older. Does anyone have similar experience but has a loving relationship with their own children? I just want my children to grow up feeling loved and happy, and not lacking trust in me.