Partner does not want another child - will he change his mind?

[Californianlilac]

Both mid 30s and we both initially said we wanted one child. Had to wait a while until he was ready. I’ve now got a baby boy who is nearly four months and I’ve enjoyed it more than I anticipated and maybe in a few years I’d love another one. Or at least the conversation to be open.

my partner hasn’t spent as much time with the baby and foundearly weeks difficult. He’s keen for me to sell everything which is unlike him who keeps a lot of stuff. He said he’s done with any more kids. Seems firm but not 100 percent firm - maybe about 90 percent.

Will he change his mind do you think? I may not want another one by the time life has gone back to normal and age etc but it’s just sad that it’s close d…

Strangers can’t tell you.

my DF’s son is 2.5 she is desperate for a 2nd her husband is still firmly in the HELL NO camp and isn’t for turning. Pre-children they wanted 3.

i wasn’t bothered about kids and had my first “for my husband” and didn’t fancy a second even at 6/7m. My the time she was 10m we were both set on a 2nd….

He may change his mind. I was all up for a second just after DD1 was born. By the time we got to 18 months and the tantrums had started I didn't want another.

However once she was 2.5 and things got easier again I changed my mind. DH was always said he would go with what I wanted to do. We now have DD2, she's 9 days old and I am so so glad we had another.

I think with all the phases they go through both of you could change your mind back and fore on this a few times and that's only natural. It is early days to be making a firm decision either way x

How on earth would we know?

If I had to guess there would be a 50% chance

@Californianlilac there is no definitive answer right now but what you can do is focus on helping DH bond with the baby as it sounds like he's a bit detached.

Can you include him in the routine more? DH takes over the night feed, bath and putting baby down. Encourage him to hold and cuddle the baby more? I'm sure he holds baby now but if you pass baby over more often, DH may start to feel more involved and see his life through the eyes of a Dad not just a husband?

This is a delicate time where some partners end up passing ALL of the load onto Mum. You may end up doing 100% of the household work, childcare AND work your job if you aren't careful and set boundaries now.

Its should be 50/50 - you are BOTH parents.

He may change his mind. 4months after first baby is too early to make this big life decision. Put it to the side and enjoy your baby.

Thank you everyone! I mean it could be me that doesn’t want another one in time but there was something sad and final if it’s a definite no. And I know no one can predict as they don’t know him - and neither can I predict really. But just hearing stories of people changing their minds - either way is reassuring. And you’re definitely right - I do do most things which isn’t going to help. The more time I’ve spent with her has made me possibly want another so he needs that time too (could go the other way!) and you’re right too about being present with the lovely baby I have. Thank you ! And any more stories are welcome xx

I agree that we don't know whether he will change his mind, but don't bank on it. The fact that he is your partner not husband could mean he is less likely. I know this is old fashioned and not what you asked, but be careful - having one baby with a man you aren't married to is fine, relatively affordable for nursery so that your career / pension / future won't take a hit etc, but a second will have a massive impact on your future.

When my daughter was 4 months it wasn't even a decision. It didn't need a discussion we knew we could only have 1.
At 1 unlikely but I would have to do it differently and I'm not sure if I could do it differently
At 2 isn't it nice having one. Lots of friends were expecting number 2. We agreed one is good and if we had 2 there would be a gap
At 3 we don't know. I'm trying to be quite honest with people about this. I feel I hear at lot from people that definitely do and don't want more but less from those that have conflict either internally or within a couple. It wouldn't be an easy decision either way. I'm working with my doctors about the logistics.

I sold out newborn cloth nappies to a friend as at the time I was pretty sure we weren't having more and I wanted them to be used rather than get damaged by storage. I filter clothes into hand down to close people and hand down to anyone. I have wittled the second bag down quite a bit and the only bag is still full. I think this reflects my indecision but also that there is enough of a want to not want to by things twice if it does happen that we have a second and thrown everything away.

I think the first thing to do is to raise the idea of not selling stuff until the baby is older just incase you decide to have a second in a few years. I think the strength of his feelings about keeping things "just in case" might be revealing

No one else can tell you that. 4 months is very early to make a decision either way. Seeing as you don't seem 100% on another, I'm not sure why you need to worry at this stage? Just enjoy your baby and not point guessing the future. And making sure your partner does spend time with baby, on their own. Don't become the default parent. Yes some people change their minds, either way, and that's totally fine. I don't understand people saying they definitely want two, before they have one, as you have no idea what it's like, and you have to understand if one partner changes their mind.

I think if this was you not wanting another and your husband wanting one, posters world be up in arms at the metre suggestion that he had changed his mind.
Essentially you've changed yours which is fine but from what you've described it doesn't sound like is very likely to change his. Maybe have a meaningful discussion with him.

*mere not metre

Thanks everyone! Responses have been helpful and good point about not being married.

Feel a little daft for even worrying about this and just important to enjoy the baby I am lucky to have :)

I probably could have written your post OP, back when mine was a baby. We ended up decided to have DH get a vasectomy around the time dd turned 1.

I was the one who ended up becoming firm in the plans that there would be no more babies. My first was hard.

you are in the middle of such a crazy time right now. My advice would be to try not to worry too much about the future and just focus on this moment. The two of you will reach a point of clarity eventually and there is just no way to predict if that will involve another baby.

Thank you - it’s so true … I’m years ahead which how can I predict things for then. Thank you

So he is adamant against marriage? What does he expect to support his children and their mother if he passes away?

It would be a firm No from me.

I don’t judge anyone having DC without being married, my concern is the impact on women and DC when/if the man dies or fucks off after years of the women being dependent when he has a “mid life crisis”

Sorry , my post is on the wrong thread. No idea what happened.