I can't do this much longer...

[TiredandWornoutFTM]

It's 10 past 4 in the morning and my DD has been up since 2am...she's refusing to go back to sleep and I feel like I'm losing the plot. 7 days of constant diarrhoea and disturbed sleep. She's 9 months old and had been sleeping really well but weaning is going terribly and her schedule is all over the place. She fell asleep at half past 3 yesterday afternoon, woke up at half 7 and then back to sleep for 10pm.

I just can't cope any longer, seriously considering asking for a divorce so DH can have full custody, he has family members who could help look after her. I know it's a terrible thing to say but I hate being a Mum, getting married and having a child was a huge mistake, I'm really not cut out for it and I don't know what to do. I dream about running away all the time...

It's torture not getting any sleep. Why can your DH not take the baby for a while so you can get some sleep? Is there no family member who could watch the baby during the day so you can rest. Once you get some sleep it will all seem so much better and you can start to get back into some kind of routine because you can think straight.

If there is no-one you can ask, family or friend, then ring your health visitor as soon as the lines go on and explain you need some support. What you are going through is not unusual. A lot of new mothers feel that way at times. Not only are you not getting sleep you are also adjusting to a whole new way of life and it can be very hard, particularly if you are not getting any support. Once you are getting more rest you can start to demand that your DH steps up so that you are not feeling so isolated.

Keep posting while you are awake and people will come on to be there for you.

We all have days like that! But I promise they'll get fewer and farther between. Practically, can you arrange for someone to have DD for several hours tomorrow or over the weekend so you can catch up on sleep?

The world looks a lot more rosy when you're not sleep deprived.

You sound like you are struggling (understandably)

some thoughts / practical suggestions

• sleep with babies is non linear. I fought hard to “fix” it. Sometimes you just can’t.
• At 9 months 2 (or 3) naps is most common. It might be worth capping them. My dd does LONG naps and would do an hour ish in the morning and 2.5-3 in the afternoon (starting 12-1) I capped naps at 3hours OR 3.30 whichever was first.
• bedtime routine. we started a bedtime of 7 ish we still have this now she’s 20m.
• weaning. Do NOT waste headspace on weaning. Food before 1 - just for fun. Also feel free to just give easy things like bananas/ “baby puffies” and pouches.
• go for a nap in the PM when she sleeps
• Ask your DH needs to do 2 full nights this Friday and Saturday. If it’s a no, maybe 1 night at least. Buy earplugs and get a full nights sleep. Sleep elsewhere if you can. Aim to do this weekly
• keep faith this will pass
• sleep deprivation is a popular method of torture for a reason. It will be clouding judgement and impacting you badly
• your thoughts aren’t wildly abnormal, pretty much everyone I know had these thoughts at some stage. However if persistent it might be worth talking to the GP. I was shocked at how supportive/not shit/understanding they were.

oh….In case you are thinking my 20m is keeping me up now she’s not!

it’s my -2m old (due early next year) vigorously kicking my lungs….at about 8/9m I remember vividly looking at DD thinking “welllllll you are going to an only child because I am NOT doing this again” 6m later I was so obsessed and in love I was dead set on a 2nd 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Thanks everyone for your kind replies! Last night was just a v.bad night I think- we had been doing so well and I've gotten used to having sleep so going backwards again has not been fun! My DH is pretty good but he works and I don't so nighttime wake ups are on me- he will look after her Friday night so I can get a break.

We haven't been able to go to any baby groups this week because of her upset stomach so that's been hard as well...

With regards to family my MIL is coming over this afternoon to look after her so that's great, unfortunately Mum's dead and I don't have any sisters so my MIL is the only person who can babysit for us atm. Weaning has been super difficult because she has CMPA and terrible acid reflux so when I did give her some pouches and ready made oats last week from Ella's Kitchen that set off a really bad acid attack and she's been pooing non stop ever since....it's so hard to know what to give her that won't trigger a reaction! But thank you all for your advice- just really needed to vent last night.

It wasn't a planned pregnancy and if it wasn't for her arrival I'm pretty sure DH and I would have separated by now so it's been difficult....

Working isn't a 'get out of parenting' card. Lots of families share the night shift, irrespective of who is working. What's going to happen when you are back at work? He needs to muck in now, especially when his child is ill.

If he's refusing to actually get up in the night ( I would have so little respect for that man personally 🙄) then at least he can do the last fed at night so you can get a decent block of rest.

It's hard when your child is ill - we've all been there, exhausted and at the end of our tether, but your main issue here is a partner one.

Physically you’re at the worst part of this- I promise it gets easier- sleep deprivation is cruel 💝

I to have a reflux baby with multiple allergies and at one point we honestly looked up how putting a child up for adoption would work.

Find people that can relate to you. In my local area there's an allergy what's app group that also runs a monthly playground and monthly mum's night. They understand the complexity of raising a child with allergies, that has reflux, that doesn't sleep or eat and never ask when do you think she will outgrow her allergies

My daughter is 3 and still doesn't sleep but my partner takes every weekend morning and I sleep until 10. I do the majority of the night work as she only wants me.

Check on other allergies too my daughter has a lot and most aren't in the top14 so tricky to get to top of. She was 15 months before she was symptom free from her allergies.

Get some time just for you. My partner I ideally have a bath each every week most of the time we alternate weekends. For me it is being close whilst not immediately accessible works for me. I have a sit behind a shut door, not touching another being (I get touched out) with a hot cup of coffee and a easy reading book for half an hour then back into the real world again. When my daughter was 10 months and I was in hospital with treatment resistant pnd all I could manage was Jacqueline Wilson and harry potter so some times very easy reading!

Reassurance like this is a double edged sword tbh.

This may well be the trickiest part and hopefully it'll be short lived, but it might not, then you've given false hope.

More importantly (because frankly false hope is helpful sometimes) if you think it's going to be very short term, it's is at it's worst etc, then there's little motivation to get the support needed - because why bother rocking the boat for a short time.

Many babies sleep improves after the first year but often it takes longer, so OP get the support you need now, rather then waiting to see if things improve first.

Babyboomtastic
Thats why I said physically- the first few years are brain frying in terms of how exhausted your body is, but it’s unlikely to not get easier after a few!!

Lack of sleep is absolutely torturous so I really feel for you!

On a practical note on FB I follow a lady called Natalie who's little girl had CMPA and she has some really easy meal ideas and simple recipes which could take some of the stress off weaning for you. Her page is called Baby Led Weaning Cookbook. Good luck ❤️

Hi my youngest had CMPA ( tolerates a bit now) also had severe silent reflux and was on medication from hospital.
I found when going onto solids that anything with
tomatoes
onion
celery
or anything slightly acidic made it hell!!
he literally would be I’ll for days and days afterwards.
I totally get where you are coming from. My youngest if now 11 years old and looking back I don’t know how I got through it, but I did and you will too.
I ended up co sleeping too, which I never intended or wanted to do tbh. But it did give me some rest bite as I was also BF. I worked 59 hours a week so needed to have some, although be it, very disturbed sleep.
massive good luck

Yes, totally agree. I think we are potentially quibbling over how long the 'worst bit' lasts for. To me that sounded very short term, not potentially a few years. Sleep deprivation is so awful - you can deal with almost anything in the day if the night is ok.

I just didn't want the OP to think that it's SO short term that it's not worth getting support (especially with a reluctant partner from the sounds of it), as opposed to a 'hang on, it'll eventually improve'.

Op - get support so you can get rest, and fingers crossed things will improve quickly, but at least you have a way to cope in place, if it does take a while.

Babyboomtastic
sometimes solidarity just helps. You don’t agree with me and that’s fine

@Thegoldgrind Thanks so much- will definitely take a look!

Well it's half past 3 in the morning and she's awake again...woke up at 2 am, had feed, my DH got her to go back to sleep but she woke up again. Gonna ring the GP in the morning to get her milk switched back to Aptamil Pepti 1 not 2. For some reason the follow on milk is not agreeing with her.We've run out of omeprazole too which hasn't helped, her reflux has got so much worse since weaning... It's just hell on earth. She's in so much pain and won't/can't sleep.

I would never ever have another child after this. Her Dad is so much better with her than I am.

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time. I remember those days well. My almost 2 year old has CMPA and the first two months of her life were so unbelievably stressful as we dealt with constant diarrhoea (like a dripping tap), inconsolable crying, griping pain and nappy rash that wouldn't clear. I was breastfeeding and once removed dairy from diet symptoms persisted although not as badly - turned out she had several other allergies (soya, coconut, eggs etc) which once I removed from my diet she became a different baby. I can see you are formula feeding. We were prescribed Aptamil Pepti as a top up feed and it didn't agree with my baby apparently it still has some milk proteins in and a lot of CMPA babies can't tolerate it or still have some symptoms- might be worth requesting Neocate to see if that helps. Obviously your baby may have a bug at the moment but my other thought as you are weaning is you have hit another allergy and this is causing her recent symptoms? It is worth keeping a food diary and only test one new food every 3 days when weaning so it's easier to identify the culprit, my dd still doesn't sleep through the night (hence my post🤣) and I'm currently trying to reintroduce wheat back into her diet as it's quite restrictive her diet I think hunger wakes her. Sorry for the waffle- please do ask your GP for an allergy referral and a dietician too this may help reduce the symptoms and help you all sleep better.
I hope you get the support you need and baby feels better soon. Happy to answer any CMPA questions you may have

I’m exactly where you are right now but he hasn’t slept for 3 months. One cold after another has thrown him completely. I get lucky one or two nights a week when he’s up twice but the rest of the time it’s every 2 hours. He’s breastfed and DP went in with him last night but it was just hours and hours of screaming. I’m exhausted and dream of running away.

@Bunnybear42 Thanks for taking the time to reply! Yes I think we'll have to go back to basics with weaning, I started off introducing one food at a time but got complacent. It's so frustrating because no one seems to realise she has food allergies especially my MIL who just keeps banging on abouy rusks... I'm just terrifed of giving her something she's allergic to like eggs or nuts and her having to go into hospital. There's absolutely no support from the health visiting team etc. So frustrating.

Just a couple of things I picked up on in your post which I think reframing might help.
First you said that your DH works but you don't do nights are on you.
You both need to realise that looking after a baby IS work..sure whilst he is out of the hone it's 100% on you just as his job is 100% on him. But the rest of the time it should be 50:50.

Secondly you say your DH is better with baby than you. I imagine that this is because he gets 8 or more baby free hours 5 days a week PLUS is doing less than his share when he is at home.

I'm not meaning to bash your husband in the slightest but I do think that the way you as a family are sharing responsibilities seems unfair on you at the moment and in the long run that won't help anyone.

@Naptrappedmummy That sounds really hard! I don't know how you're managing, I dream of running away all the time too...the best thing about formula feeding is being able to give baby to DH on weekends so I can catch up on sleep. Will your little one take an expressed bottle at all?

@possomcandle You may be right. Although to be fair he works from home so he is around to help out during the day sometimes, this was really helpful during the first couple of months when he would watch her for an hour so I could nap etc.

But all the cleaning, cooking, laundry falls to me, plus he often has 2-3 evenings a week where he is out socialising.The problem is my DD was a surprise when we had only been married a few months, if she hadn't come along I would have asked for an annulment or separation, I always knew I was making a mistake getting married but now am trapped.