How to make 3 month old sleep independently

[CultureAlienationBoredomandDespair]

When DS2 was born he wouldn’t sleep unless he was on me and woke the second I put him in his crib (we had to stay in hospital for 5 days), after a few days I found that if I swaddled him I could feed him to sleep and then put him down or even put him down drowsy sometimes. This carried on when we got home and he slept like a dream, day naps were in his Moses basket for the first week (until he outgrew it) and then in his Bjorn. At night he slept in his snuzzpod. He stopped wanting to be swaddled at around 5 weeks and liked to starfish 🥰

Unfortunately he’s been hospitalised twice since then, the first time nothing changed but since the second time last month he’s just refused to sleep unless he’s on me or being rocked by DH. He will fall asleep in the car or pram but the second we stop moving he will wake up. We’ve now fallen into contact napping but this isn’t great as I’ve got a 2 yo that needs my attention too.

At night we’ve resorted to co-sleeping but it’s really uncomfy and after DS1 I had bad back problems caused by having to sleep on one side not moving all night, my mental health also took a dip as I felt completely touched out as he ended up wanting to latch onto me for the whole night. I don’t want a repeat of this with DS2 and it’s likely he’ll have to be in hospital again and not being able to co-sleep would make a hard time even worse.

Normally he comes up to bed with us and I feed him to sleep while a hot water bottle is in his snuzzpod and a t-shirt of mine, then when he’s been asleep for 10-15mins I’ll put him down. Sometimes he stirs straight away or it may take 5mins or so (originally he’d sleep for 1 sleep cycle). I was repeating this for a few hours before giving in and bringing him in the bed.

For the last week, DH has been working very long hours and getting up at 5 so we’ve just started the night with DS2 in bed with us and he’s slept like a dream. DH has got a few days off from tomorrow and we really want to use this time to get DS2 back to sleeping in his crib, I need to get it cracked before Christmas when we’ll be staying at DMIL’s and it’s not set up for co-sleeping (bed in the middle of the room with wooden floors) and he could always end up back in hospital at any given point.

Sorry for the length but please help!

Hopeful bump

I kind of hate to say it because I know how difficult it can be having recently gone through it, but all that you're describing is completely developmentally normal op. It's just really tough.

All babies are biologically programmed that closer to mummy is safer and I do think some babies feel that more than others and look for more closeness and contact than others. Around 3mths ds would have started to get very aware of things around him and it got really hard to get him down to sleep or naps without it at least starting out in a co sleeping arrangement. I wore him in a sling a lot for naps so I could still use my hands. Ds stopped sleeping in the car or pram at that stage too because there was just too much to see! I generally went to bed around the time ds did and he seemed to settle in his next to me eventually when I was still right beside him with my arm in the cot. Sometimes I could then sneak away but other nights I was down for the night then so we didn't really have a set bedtime for him and he went to bed when we did. It's really hard going especially when you've another child you need to take care of but it does eventually pass. I would try not to put yourself under pressure with it personally and try to go as much with their lead as you can. When we moved ds into his own room at 8 months (because he was outgrowing the next to me) he started doing really well with sleeping in the cot and it felt like a natural progression. Can you bring your next to me with you when you stay over? I'd have slept with ds on my left so he was between me and the next to me which was physically attached to our bed so he couldn't fall out if that makes sense. The happy Co sleeper on instagram is really good for co sleeping positioning etc and might be able to recommend something that is better for your back. Sorry I'm not sure how helpful that really is, I do empathise though and it honestly doesn't last! They are still very wee!

I do agree with PP, 100% it is developmentally normal and they'll grow out of it as they're ready. The only thing you can do is the pick up put down thing where you reassure them with cuddles and then put them back in the cot. It's a long old slog though, DD is 9 months old and has only just started sleeping through in her cot. She's slept in it since the day she was born so it's completely familiar to her but she's only just started getting comfortable with it

I don’t think you are missing a trick OP. Baby doesn’t care that hospital may be on the cards or that you are due to stay at MILs. Everything you describe is normal. 3 months is still extremely tiny - barely out of the newborn stage. It’s absolutely not advisable to sleep train one so wee and it wouldn’t last anyway as no doubt you’ll have the 4-5 month sleep regression and you’ll be back at square 1 anyway. I think you just need to ride it out and re asses at 6 months + when sleep training is more appropriate and more likely to stick.

I coslept with DC2 in hospital recently. It wasn’t ideal and I wouldn’t say I slept much but after sobbing at 4 in the morning trying to get him in the cot I gave up. Not a single nurse told me off or batted an eyelid.

Does your baby have a dummy? This is the only thing that worked for us. We went from having an unputdownable baby to a baby who would sleep in their own bassinet 🥳 It saved our sanity and likely his life as we were getting dangerously tired holding him.

No, I’ve never been very keen on them having dummies after seeing relatives really struggle to get their DCs to give them up. I did try with DC1 though when he was about 5 months and I was really struggling but be didn’t go for it.

That is what a 3 month old is like. Get a night nanny or put the 2yo in nursery.

Thanks for the empathy, how would that help during a hospital stay and what has my 2 year old’s childcare got to do with anything?

I know babies can just be like this and it’s a stage. I just wanted to make sure there was anything I’m missing as I know lots of babies that don’t seem to do this.

We will be taking the snuzzpod with us now. In an ideal world he’d sleep for a little while in his pram or snuzzpod just so I don’t have to go to bed early on Christmas night but of course if needs must then I will.

Thanks the last time we were in hospital the nurses seemed completely shocked that he wasn’t asleep by midnight and that I was rocking him. The setup in the room wouldn’t have accommodated cosleeping safely. If it’s a night or two I’d just stay awake and nap when DH comes in during the day but when it’s over a week or so it’s not sustainable and just putting him down to dry it out would be completely cruel, especially if he’s ill.

On Xmas night we go to dh grandparents and its late and there's nowhere else to put ds as its a tiny and very full house. I'm going to put ds in his jammies and then into the wrap to wear him and let him sleep in it so hopefully we won't need to go home early. I would just keep them up for things like that. As others have said it's still very early to establish a routine as such so you can be flexible with bedtimes. The other thing that did work for ds was using a snoozeshade on his pram. When we were on holiday it was great and because it kept it dark and he couldn't see out he did actually go to sleep in the pram? Might be worth a try?

Also just as an aside, there's a lot of positive research now around the use of dummies reducing the risk of sids etc. I know it can be tricky on the other end but we're very sparing in when ds has his, its just for sleep or if he's very upset at a time when I couldn't feed him like in the car. He doesn't really bother with it the rest of the time. So you could try with it and just be really selective in when it's used? Took us a few tries to see what shape ds preferred.

Thank you. A few things that are definitely worth a try.

It's normal, you can't get a 3 month old to sleep well as they aren't supposed to sleep well.

"I’ve got a 2 yo that needs my attention too"

Hence, put 2yo in nursery.

3mo dc arent supposed to sleep alone/all night.