Teenager and School

[Mermaids8]

I’m running out of ideas of what to do with my 14 year old.

It all changed when he started 3rd year in August (we’re in Scotland). It’s a constant struggle to get him to go to school, and when he does go, he is constantly truanting. The rare times he goes to class, he is distributive and putting in no effort whatsoever.

I have tried consequences over the last few months. Grounding him didn’t work, he would just leave home to go out with his friends anyway. Taking his phone off him didn’t work. He became horrible, shouting and swearing at me.

So I have been trying to take the natural consequences approach in telling him how this will affect his future, etc. That hasn’t worked either. So at the moment, all I am doing is stopping pocket money and that isn’t working either.

I need to leave for work at 7:30 am so I wake him up before I leave and he has started just going back to bed after I leave (he needs to leave for school at 8:30 as it is just around the corner).

It is only us 2 at home so I have no one to stay home to make sure he stays awake and gets ready for school (and no one should need to at his age anyway). I obviously need to work but feel terrible that I’m not at home to force him out the door.

His Dad is no help as he rarely sees him and doesn’t believe in punishing him anyway so that is probably why my consequences haven’t worked. He was abusive to me so I don’t engage with him anymore.

He has fallen into a cycle of going into school late, if at all and barely going to any classes. Then going out with his friends after school and playing computer games at night. He has no interest in school at all. All he cares about at the moment is his friends.

I have asked the school for help and they are pretty useless about it to be honest.

I don’t know what else to do and feel like I have failed massively as a parent and I’m worried about his future😢

Have you looked on the Not Fine in School Facebook page? You could get good advice there.

The longer students do this, the harder it is for them to get back. But there will have been a reason it started.

There's a limit to what school can do regards to parenting and boundaries at home. I'm not familiar with the Scottish system, but in similar situations in England we've referred families to Early Help to see what support can be put in for the family from social care.

Did anything happen over the summer break that could have been a trigger for this change in behaviour? Usually there's something behind big behaviour changes. Has he made any new friends or older friends that you hadn't heard of before, or become more secretive about his activities?

If school have a pastoral team, do they have members of staff he could talk to? They're called different things in different schools but learning support mentors, pastoral assistants, learning mentors are the sort of things I've seen them called.

You're a good parent and you're looking for support. Your child's head of year should be able to signpost you to local services who can support.

@Phineyj No, but I’ll have a look at that. Thanks

@LolaSmiles yes, I do understand that there’s only so much the school can do to help. We have had a few meetings about it and came up with plans such as reducing some of his classes so he can go to pastoral for support with catching up those periods. But, he isn’t engaging with any of the plans. The school have told me that the next steps are referring it to a children’s reporter, so although I don’t want that to happen, maybe they could help.

Yes, he fell in with a new group of friends over the summer holidays and he is constantly out with them. I believe they are doing the same things and have the same attitude about school. I think he is vaping when out with his friends also. I’ve tried to punish him and tried to speak to him more calmly and nothing is working. He agrees to make an effort and then just doesn’t.

Yes, the school have a pastoral team and a counsellor but he refuses to speak to any of them.

Mermaids8
It seems the school are putting in appropriate plans in place then as a starting point within the school day.

Forgive my ignorance, I've not come across the role of children's reporter. Is that a role specific to the Scottish system?

From what you describe punishment is unlikely to give you the outcome you want. In my experience where teens are displaying a similar pattern of behaviours, they are often are seeking some connection in some way, even if they're going about it in an unhealthy or unhelpful way.
Having another adult who is separate to the family and separate to school can sometimes be beneficial for a child in this situation. Often it takes time to find a trusted adult who can build a positive relationship with a young person before the root of the behaviour can be found.

@LolaSmiles yes they definitely are and I appreciate that they can’t make a child attend classes and they have better things to do when the child isn’t engaging and being disruptive.

A children’s reporter is basically part of the juvenile justice system. Children get referred to them for issues such as truanting, have offended, alcohol/drug issues, out of control behaviour. They decide if intervention is needed via a children’s hearing and if social work intervention is needed.

Yes, I don’t think punishment will work given that I’ve tried and it made things worse and he wasn’t accepting my consequences.

I do understand that some children just don’t like school and I think the fact that he has basically been getting away with truanting for a few months now isn’t helping. So maybe the children’s reporter will be the best idea for some support.

The reporter might be a good route to go down then in this situation if they can be a door into other support services. I've had students who've worked with youth support workers who do similar work and it's been a positive step to have an outside adult.

Once the root cause of the behaviour is found then school can put other things in place to adapt the school day.

Like a PP said, the longer the situation goes on for the harder it can be to get back to 'normal'. The Not Fine In School group is great and I know a few people who've found support there.