DS4 keeps sleeping in our bed and can't self settle

[Groundhoghcg]

I think we've fallen into some bad habits but I don't know how to get out if it.

When DS was 3 he could usually sleep from 7-6am but wouldn't be able to initially fall asleep alone and would need us to sit with him with a lullaby. We tried gradually moving out and being firm, but after time it didn't work.

In the last year I've had 2 miscarriages and this has coincided with DS being very scared of monsters and struggling to put himself back to sleep several times a night, usually waking at 1ish and 4ish. Because we've been struggling ourselves we let him sleep in our bed and it's formed a habit where DS will sleep in our bed every night from 1 😩

We've tried the bedtime pass but DS finds it upsetting. I bought a jar of little toys as a reward for sleeping alone, this worked for 2 nights (although DS did need help going back to sleep) but now he'd prefer to sleep in our room than get a reward.

We have at various points tried to leave him to it but he just screams and screams.

Any help or advice?!

We had a nest made from an old duvet, blanket and pillows in the corner of our bedroom. The rule was that any child who was feeling a bit lonely or had a bad dream or whatever could come in and get into it as long as they didn't wake anyone else. We left all bedroom doors open but kept the stairgate across the stairs.
It wasn't used much because I think the dc just felt secure knowing they could.Little children do get scared at night and they always know if their mum or dad has been ill or distressed and that makes things worse. It is normal. They outgrow it.

My friend spent over a grand on private CBT sessions for her DS before she finally got him out of their bed and into his own. He was almost 13. It nearly broke her marriage. I don't have any practical advice, but don't just assume he'll grow out of it. Hopefully someone wiser than me can offer solutions!

I seem to remember part of her solution was her sleeping on a mattress in his room, then gradually moving it out onto the landing and further away. It took a while.

What is the issue? You say bad habits, but it is only bad if you don't want him there. There is nothing wrong with a child sleeping with adults.

If the issue is that you want him out for any reason then that is fine too. You need to get through the screaming part to the other side. If you consistently put him in his bed and take him back if he tries to climb into your bed, he will get the message. It's more than I can be arsed with though, so I just let my younger one climb I to our bed when he wakes up. He doesn't even always wake me climbing over me, I just find him the next day.