What does PND feel like?

[SugarPlumFairyTale]

Just wondering if anyone experienced it and if so what were the signs

For me, I felt numb like I wasn't really there. I also had irrational thoughts, like if I chose the pink coffee cup we'd all die that day, but if I chose the yellow one we'd survive. That was the worst thing and it was constant and really overwhelming. I thought if I drove alone I'd get in a fatal crash, but if I took the whole family we'd be ok. But if I wore the wrong shoes it didn't matter, we'd all die together. 17mo on I don't have the fatalistic scenarios anymore, it turned into a general constant fear, and I still feel detached. I can't remember most of the last year. I can't remember anything about my baby before now. I never had it with my other children. After I stopped breastfeeding I could feel the shift in hormones immediately. It got so much better at that point. I hope it keeps getting better too, I really hate it!

Lack of bond with the baby, detachment generally, irrational thoughts. If you think you might have it please just get help.

Intrusive thoughts. Like seeing dangers and then vividly imagining what would happen if the baby fell in the lake for example, and being distressed by the thoughts but unable to stop them.
Feeling like my baby didn't like me. Feeling like he might not be my baby (altho I knew logically he was) paranoia.. I thought people were talking about me and judging me all the time. Emotional disregulation. Crying for long periods but not understanding what exactly I was upset about. Insomnia. Fantasising about killing myself. Having no desire to do anything. Just sitting in bed staring at the wall. Feeling like I was an absolute failure. Annoyance and anger about tiny things some days then other days just Feeling completely disconnected from everything and not caring just Feeling empty.
However everyone is different and for some women it's more subtle.
I do think bonding problems with the baby is a really common sympton.
That and insomnia (I don't just mean being woken up by the baby, actual insomnia where you can't sleep even if the baby sleeps)

Oh and like I was being crushed with responsibility and guilt.

I did get better eventually. I went on antidepressants for 6 months. And I did not experience PND with my second child.
It's very important to get help as fast as possible.
Speak to your GP, midwife or health visitor. They won't judge you at all and there's such great help out there.
I got really good support with my second child which is why I don't think I developed it again. It's actually something that effects a lot of women and is very treatable

Complete inability to engage with life.
My partner had to remind me to eat and drink and shower/bath which I could only manage every 2-3 week
I struggled to leave bed
I cried all the time
If I went out it felt like I had floated up to the corner of the room watching me fail at being a mum and everyone else coping
I lost the ability to find words which is something I still struggle with 3 years later. I had no focus or attention. I could only watch programs that I had previously watched
I believe my daughter wasn't real
When she was real she wasn't mine
When she was mine she had be swapped
I had thoughts she was evil
I had thoughts that she was sent to punish me as she had reflux and allergies
I couldn't use the words daughter and mum until she was a year old
I had a brilliant bond at 3 weeks but by 4 or 5 weeks it had all gone.
She was a difficult baby because of her reflux and because of covid we had no support. A lot of my pnd was around distancing my heart from a situation I couldn't fix

Eventually at 10 months I went into a mother and baby unit diagnosed with treatment resistant severe pnd and psychosis

I cried all the time
the smallest things made me get angry and I was taking it out on DP shouting at him when we have never had a shouting type relationship ever
i felt numb, like i really struggled to make conversation or partake in conversation. I also could really think, like everything seemed difficult to think about, like my partner would as me something like if I was doing something in the evening or any other simple question and I really would struggle to remember.
Never wanted to get out of bed but I had everyday life duties so would go to bed as soon as I finished whatever needed doing
I didnt feel a bond with my baby and felt like he loved his dad more, I wasnt needed
Didnt feel that overwhelming love for my baby that I felt at the beginning, I knew I loved my baby but there was just a feeling something missing, like my maternal instinct was gone