At wits end with our son

[GalwayGirl1981]

Long time lurker, first time poster. We have 2 kids. Our eldest, who is 8, has become so difficult. He has a short fuse, is stubborn to the point of defiant and flies off the handle at the smallest things. And yet, he is such a kind boy, is doing well in school and has a good group of friends. He is good at sport and music and 90% of the time is a lovely kid. But the 10% is killing us. We have sat him down and spoken to him about his behaviour numerous times using child friendly and simple language. We have given him 2 simple rules and explained how to follow these. (Do as you're told, no shouting-ask instead). We have tried rewarding the good things. We have tried consequences (which don't work). He can show an 'I don't care attitude' when he becomes defiant. It then becomes a battle of will. Can anybody offer advice on how best to help him and us. Thanks.

Hi. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I haven’t got any major tips but I didn’t want to read and run. Have you flagged this up with your son’s school? I know you said he’s fine there but they ought to be aware and may be able to offer some advice, or at least just be aware.

There will be a lot of expectations on him at school and home will be his safe place to explode at times.

How is he after he has calmed down? Does he apologise? Does it go on for long? I would say maybe take something he enjoys off him if he speaks to you in that way but like you say it hasn’t worked. Could you discuss with him if he is feeling angry to go to a specific place, and rather than shouting at you, shout in the garden. But if he gets cross quickly I imagine this is difficult for him. Xx

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it. Yes, I have checked in at school but as he's getting on well and his teacher is happy with him... I'm a teacher myself so I know the type of advice I'd give if someone asked!
Yes, we have discussed his feelings, when he gets angry. We went through strategies to help him calm down. Its like a switch though. And then it's over. I do wonder if it's emotional regulation.

Awww it sounds like you’re doing all the right things and like you say it’s a switch and will happen so quickly. It does sound like emotional regulation and will take time for him to learn this. Maybe GP could help .. I hope you manage to get some more help and advice xx

Do as you are told is unlikely to be successful as a rule.

Bluntly, there's nothing in it for him. If by being defiant he doesn't do as he is told and gets away with it then he wins.

Also, it is not a rule you can enforce, and it is not a rule that you can explain to him why he should stick to it.

You need more specific rules that make sense to a child. Get buy in.

For example, rule 1 is we don't hit people. That is because it hurts and they don't like it. So nobody dies it.

Or
We need to brush our teeth so they don't get rotten. If they get rotten they will hurt a lot and we won't be able to eat food.

I recommend The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. It’s written with neurodivergent kids in mind but it’s written to work regardless of diagnosis (or not). It helps you identify the pattern of the behaviour, the key issues and what you want to address and create strategies to help. It’s worked wonders with my DD (now 10yo).

Recommend book ‘the explosive child’.

Recommended focus is less rewards / punishments but more to looking at what the triggers for their temper are, and helping them work on them, strategies for what they need to do when those triggers happen, avoiding the triggers etc.

He sounds lovely and like he will be fine though maybe needs some help managing a hot head. Good luck x

Oh haha just saw other poster recommended same book hadn’t read whole thread as in a rush :-)

Yeah the book is good. Biggest tip is to be kind and listen - does he need space and quiet or to shout then have a moment to himself? What will help him regulate. Don’t punish or need to win - it’s those endings that you will regret because they are traumatic and pointless. Love bomb, praise and don’t panic!

Watch out for triggers and whether food, fatigue or over excitement try and manage where possible.

Another recommendation for The Explosive Child

Read "123 Magic" by Thomas W. Phelan, Ph.D.

It worked for my kids. It's quite American in its style but it works.

Good luck.