How to help a mercurial child

[Jimmyspiano]

My DS2 is 10 years old. His mood, thoughts and feelings about things seem to change in an instant constantly.

He comes out of an after school activity telling me he hated it, I am a terrible human being for making him go and he never wants to go again. Literally a minute later he really enjoyed it, and he wants to see if he can get better at it.

We went out with friends today and for the whole day he was smiling, laughing, playing and chatting away to everyone. As soon as we got in the car to go home he was furious with me for taking him out with them today.

He flips between shouting and screaming at me, and hugging me telling me he loves me, but within a few seconds.

I think that in the moment he is telling me how he really feels. It just leaves me unsure about what to do for the best, and how best to help him. I am reluctant to cancel all extra curricular activities and never arrange for him to see his friends due to the negative reactions. That would leave him with a very empty and boring life. However, I am constantly fighting to get him to do anything because the positive feelings never last long enough for him to get ready, go out and enjoy an activity. Even if he is cheerful and looking forward to something as we leave the house, by the time we get there he is screaming that he does not want to go, and he can't believe I am forcing him.

Does anyone have a child who is similar? Any tips for helping him please?

It seems that I am on my own with this. I am glad that other families are not experiencing these particular difficulties.

I didn’t want to read and run, could it be social anxiety? I was a bit like this as a child and looking back I definitely had this. Or I was also easily led by other kids opinions.

Thank you very much for your reply. I really appreciate it.

I think you are probably right on both points. If all activities and social meet ups are too much for him, then I can cancel it all. I just worry that he will feel bored, lonely and not stimulated. When he is just with me, with no pressure or expectations he loves to chat and ask questions. He is interested in a variety of things. He seems quite young to let him give everything up, and just stay home.

I have a child a little bit like this, but he has Asperger’s syndrome, and I think what I’m seeing is extreme anxiety. It’s a nightmare getting him to leave the house or to try anything new, and he doesn’t have a great deal of extra curricular activity as he can’t cope (he swims and does cubs).

Have you tried asking him what exactly it is that he isn't enjoying?

Is it the noise, other people, is he tired, hungry, bright lights, the activity itself?

He may not be able to tell you but at least if you knew what it was then it's a starting point.

My first thought was ASD - sounds very coke bottle effect - holds it all together and explodes where somewhere safe.

Have school raised concerns? Do they have any support systems in school (ESLA) that he could access?

A chat to the GP may be helpful they could possibly suggest some counselling/therapy which could help with emotional regulation.

I would say his out bursts are real and the behaviour during/after are masking. Does he not want to do these things. Can he trust you to be honest about how he feels?

His older brother has a diagnosis of ASD and a learning disability.

He just says that everything is boring and he hates it. I think boring sometimes means that he has to work at something and he does not find it easy.

If I take him to an activity he says I am nasty and cruel for making him go. If I don't take him he accuses me of being mean and a horrible Mum for not allowing him to learn skills and do the things his friends do. Whatever I do is wrong. Anything that needs to be booked or involves other people can not just be dropped and picked up again at a moment's notice. I need to model having respect for other people and decent behaviour.

School have no concerns. He sits at the back of the class doing just enough work to not get in trouble. He behaves well and is not disruptive. He has a nice little group of friends at school who he seems have fun with.

I think he can trust me. I think his feelings are always real, they just change. That just leaves me not knowing what to do to best meet his needs.

My DD was a lot like this.

It was anxiety.

I'm not sure I have a lot of suggestions to offer as she found it difficult to identify her emotions.

She did do a lot of activities - possibly too many - but she always wanted to do them except when she didn't.

What's his personality like? I'm high in openness and also anxiety meaning I want to do everything yet get really worried about doing it. This leads to feelings of conflicted ness. Does he maybe need some new language for inner experiences like feeling conflicted?

Not making light of this at all but this is how (in my experience) teenagers behave, so can I ask is this a relatively recent behaviour?

SleepPrettyDarling, he is like a mini teenager. He has been like this since the second lock down when he was 7. I would love to hear that he is just growing up and full of hormones. He is often a very unhappy boy and if just being patient and waiting it out is the answer that would be awesome.

I would like to add that he is a clever, funny, interesting and fantastic boy. I do not want to just be moaning about my irrational child, I know that I am very lucky to have both of my children.