No idea how to parent my 3yo - help!!

[Jean24601Valjean]

We've reached the end of another bedtime, another awful evening. Admittedly, DS was probably overtired today as nursery told us he didn't nap but still. It wasn't far from the norm.

I just really need help. I've read so many parenting books and am very much "sold" on gentle parenting but these days I find myself just shouting so much!! I find that the books I've read tend to focus more on handling meltdowns and emotional dysregulation, whereas the issues we have are more with DS just being an absolute heathen 😅... But seriously, it's just a constant steam of throwing anything in his path, breaking toys, waving and whacking anything vaguely stick-shaped... I don't have time to really implement any kind of reaction to one ridiculous outburst before the next one comes. Normally my reaction is to clearly explain that something is not acceptable and why (e.g. explain what the impact is "that hurts" or "your toy is broken") then natural consequences e.g. take away the toy/broom/Bluetooth speaker. But recently we have started to try time outs as well. I can't really tell if the are working. They don't seem to be!

He also resists literally anything you ask him to do and is extremely stubborn. Every strategy I've read in e.g. How To Talk So Little Kids doesn't work for him. Try and use humour/silliness and he might laugh but then just continue ignoring you. However far in advance you prepare him for what's coming next, he still does not want anything to do with it. After 3 years of the exact same things happening every morning and every evening I'm absolutely sick of still having to act like a UN negotiator every step of the way. Its not like taking off your shoes when you get inside is a horrible surprise!

I just hate feeling like I'm constantly telling him not to do stuff and taking things away or physically assisting him to do stuff. If anything it feels like that makes it worse as his energy just amplifies in reaction to it. I end up shouting and then hating myself for shouting. Today was a real low point with tears on the sofa feeling totally unfit to be a mum. We have DS2 who is 18mo and a completely different character and pretty much a delight. Just absolute night and day (comparing them at the same age, not at their current ages) so something about our parenting must click with him in a way it doesn't with DS1. I feel like we are letting him down but I don't know what to do about it. Any ideas??

I feel like I've not really done it justice in my description and maybe it doesn't sound that bad but I basically feel like every one of my nerve endings is being attacked with a rasp every moment we are together. And that's not the mum I want for him!

It’s not easy. I have found that dinners have to be fairly instant, literally a ready meal, freezer food or homemade but reheated as actually made earlier.
Baths before bed actually wind my eldest up.

We eat as soon as get home. As possible. Outside for a bit if it’s fine. A short walk at this time of year. Once back home something else to eat and watch something on CBeebies and then bed.

Try to avoid the trouble spots. Difficult I know. Limit the sugar intake. In summer we spend a lot of time outside. 3 was a particularly difficult age with my first.

I have a just turned three year old and really really identified with your UN negotiations comment! Every single teeth time, hair brush time, going for a wee is a battle. EVERY SINGLE ONE!!

I wonder if gentle parenting ideology is to blame here? A mum I know who is a self-professed gentle parent seems to spend all her life trying to coax her 3-year-old and it makes getting good behaviour really lengthy and hard. With mine I give her a chance to make the 'right choice' ("Can you put down that X please, because you're not supposed to have that!"), maybe a second chance if she's distracted rather than defiant, and if she doesn't do as I ask, I force compliance i.e. remove item from her hands/pick her up to move her away from something etc. Just a thought!

Thanks so much for you message! We do try a lot of this - I WFH and I basically finish work early so that I can prep dinner before picking them up so we can eat as soon as we get back from nursery (then finish work after bedtime if necessary). He helps tidy up and then it's time for bed (he has a bath every other day before bed and actually the bath is mostly fine - baths and reading are when he is most lovely so maybe we should get a house with a massive bath and just do that all day).

I wish I could identify trouble spots but it feels like it can be literally anything. He is a bit similar to me in that he makes plans for stuff in his head, doesn't tell you what they are and then blows up when events unfold differently. E.g. this evening he threw an entire omelette on the floor one of the pieces was cut in a pizza shape and he liked that shape but I cut that piece in half to help it cool down quicker. I guess that sort of stuff is more on the meltdown side of things rather than relentless silliness.

I really hope it is a difficult age. I feel like every one of his ages has been a difficult one though so it doesn't give me much hope.

Thank you again @Autumn1990 !

@Muteswan that's interesting, it's similar to something I read from someone who advocated "never ask more than twice". After that you have to physically assist them to do the thing. I have tried it but find it hard when my hands are often tied up with DS2. I do see what you're getting at though!

He sounds exactly like my 3 (nearly 4) year old - it's absolutely exhausting !!

I would say it's definitely got ?slightly easier with time - it's nowhere near what it was like say 6 months ago

I found some of the how to talk so little kids will listen stuff helpful.

If he's tantruming about something now I acknowledge how he feels but say the problem is X and then basically distract him where we start thinking/talking about something else. I found that he just completely switched off if I tried to explain why we couldn't do X and it just made it all worse. To get him to do things I make it into a bit of a competition or link it to an interest he has eg pretending to get on the train to go to the toilet! Also getting him to think I needed his help specifically to do things helped eg I need his help to set the table etc - then he'd usually sit and eat without too much battle. Using things like timers helped so he knew how much longer he had eg in the bath before getting out. Some things would work for abit then they wouldn't so I'd have to change it abit again to spark his interest again! It sounds ridiculous but it was easier than the alternative. choices tend to work well with him - so he chose stuff wherever physically possible. He's fine usually with that sort of stuff now and does just do a lot himself / is abit less bothered by it - though he def still has his moments

@Jean24601Valjean ah yes I only have one, I have no idea how to manage any sort of anything when your hands are otherwise occupied! Please go easy on yourself - toddlers can be so hard and you have two!

“I wonder if gentle parenting ideology is to blame here? A mum I know who is a self-professed gentle parent seems to spend all her life trying to coax her 3-year-old and it makes getting good behaviour really lengthy and hard. With mine I give her a chance to make the 'right choice' ("Can you put down that X please, because you're not supposed to have that!"), maybe a second chance if she's distracted rather than defiant, and if she doesn't do as I ask, I force compliance i.e. remove item from her hands/pick her up to move her away from something etc. Just a thought!”

that falls within gentle parenting things that I have read

I find that with my 3yo in the evening talking/asking is almost too much, they’re too tired and too wired.

@Tinybrother yes I think I phrased that badly! I just mean that some people are interpreting 'gentle parenting' in a way that prioritises the child's freedom to express themselves/not making the toddler sad, rather than prioritising their understanding and accepting of boundaries which IME is the bedrock of learning to be a decent human. I don't mean to demonise gentle parenting in general, just the interpretation I've recently been subjected to!

Have 5 children and very much like you, read all the books but still found it very hard work in those early years, over 20 years of parenting experience now and what I’ve learned (youngest is only 4 so still on that shop floor)

1. The importance of food (ideally good nutritional), you can’t go far wrong with …. breakfast, 10am snack, lunch, 2pm snack, dinner and pre bed snack (if needed) and make water easily accessible
2. The importance of exercise, both physical and opportunity for mental stimulation, a routine helps
3. The importance of sleep
4. The importance of role modelling and consistency i.e. if a child knows your going to tell them 10 times to put their shoes on they’ll carry on doing what they feel like till your screaming at them to put their shoes on, if they know you’ll actually just go to the park without them if they ignore you and having calmly asked them once or twice then they tend to listen a bit more (you just have to withstand the tears first time they miss out for having ignored you)
5. Discipline has its place but in the heat of a total meltdown it’s more a hug and some quiet time (tv or story or going into a different room if at a party/group) your child needs rather than reprimanding, this won’t undermine your message as much as you think it will
6. Be realistic about what your expecting from their age, 3 is so very tiny still but then my older children are adult DC and can appreciate how long it took them to get there in a way you don’t appreciate when your oldest child is 3. With my older children I put a lot of effort into trying to get us to that stage with discipline (most of it futile in retrospect). With the youngest ones I’ve just waited out their challenging phases and they’ve got there on their own as their brains have obviously developed
7. Appreciate every child is different and will end of having strengths and challenges, you will find your child that’s hard work now will have some amazing attributes by the time they are a different stage of their lives
8. Appreciate too this is all really hard work, being screamed at countless times a day etc etc, your not going to be as an effective parent when your tired and stressed, with my youngest children I had eventually come to appreciate the importance of this so cut down my hours and drew on any support needed, childcare (it’s not so bad if you know you’ve got a few kid free hours the next day etc) and anything to make life a bit easier. There’s loads you think you need to do as a parent with your first that actually isn’t that important

Sorry I’m sure you know most of this already but just what I could condense from my experience

P.s I had one child who just behaved brilliantly all of the time, never had tantrums, could take anywhere etc, so when you get smug parents or your friends kids who just seem to behave it honestly a lot of it is luck. One child taught once to say their thank you’s from at 12 months and another your still constantly having to remind at 10, just the way it is 🤦🏻‍♀️

My daughter is 3 and a bit and the months where she was dropping her nap were hard she either had missed her nap and was over tired by the time we came home or had had a nap and wasn't ready for sleep at bed time.

I'm not good in the morning and these are our biggest time for confrontation she seems to know when it's an office day and I have a train to catch. On a Sunday I pack her bag with enough changes of clothes to last her 4 days of nursery and I put out 4 sets of clothes she can chose between them but that's it theres just 4 t shirts and leggings and jumpers. Getting up is drinks, clothes teeth upstairs downstairs she doesn't move from the bottom step where I do the her hair and put her shoes on and we are out of the door only slightly late for breakfast. Or at least that's the plan.

Friday - dressed ok refused teeth ok we will take the tooth brush down stairs we will do them after your hair
Smudged toothpaste off the brush. Reapplied. I don't want breakfast at nursery I want it here. What do you want? Hoops. Ok that's manageable teeth at the table? No. Now she has been downstairs for a bit she goes for her room and wants to do a jigsaw. Glance at the clock I'll be late for work but not so late I can't catch up and I can go this jigsaw quickly but we really must do your teeth. She cooperates with getting her shoes and coat on but still no teeth. She ends up pinned on the floor. We get the teeth done. I get her to nursery and I'm only 10 minutes late for work and can just miss a bit of lunch break.
Most of the time I can gently work around what she wants but some times all the buttons have been pressed. She knows that teeth are a must has her reflux is damaging her teeth. There are days when absolutely it has to run to clockwork and on those days I have to hold her too account. I try to find the odd day maybe once a month where she has a bit more say in the day. I feel bad as some days it's literally 10 minutes between her waking up and getting in the car. Those days when she is refusing teeth or to have her overnight nappy switched for knickers or to be dressed, when she actively undresses herself after I have dressed her when she refuses to put socks or shoes on or when she is thrashing her hips about so I can't get her in the car seat really really really make keeping my cool a challenge