Total lack of parental authority

[Noauthority]

Feeling like a complete failure. 5 year old DC is doing well at school, no behavioural issues, eats well, sleeps well etc. Behaviour at home has been terrible for the past few months, however, and the worst part appears to be a total lack of respect for me (and Dad but he does less behavioural enforcement anyway..).

They tell me not to be cross, they don't like that tone if voice. The response to a simple request (go to the loo before we go out etc) is to tell me they won't and I'm being rude to ask. Any attempt by me to enforce a boundary is met by them telling me how awful I am. If I am really holding the line on something, they will attempt to scream and cry until I am 'nice' again. I've had to physically remove them from hurting themselves once or twice and am told I was 'too rough' - I wasn't. The most minor request and they start telling me I don't love them and I'm horrible. I'm not sure I'm conveying this very well but I'm finding it incredibly wearing and also very manipulative. They very effectively make me doubt myself!

We have always had a very close relationship. I am their main source of comfort, we spend loads of one on one time together, I've tried 'love bombing' even more and often feel like I'm resorting to 'treats' which don't improve the actual issue at all but seem to increase entitlement. I'm the only person they accept at bedtime and getting up and I go out of my way to make their weekends special etc. I feel like I've gone seriously wrong somewhere please help😪. I honestly feel so sad that I just want to walk out and give up.

Yes, I agree. ‘1,2,3 Magic’ worked a treat with my DD2, who is now seven.

If your child is a girl I wouldn't rule out additional needs like ASD. Being very quiet and compliant at school would fit with that.

OP it’s not you- it’s called masking. He behaves this way because he trusts that even when showing his worst behaviour, you’ll still be there.

Please remember - focus on connection, not correction, when he’s showing his bad behaviours.

Check out the books ‘The explosive child’ and ‘Punished by rewards’, they help a lot!

Thanks for all the replies - a mixed bag! I was trying to keep things anonymous by disguising the sex - didn't want to be outing, rather than anything else as I know others who use these boards.

I don't really think it's masking - DC is not quiet and compliant at school, just pretty well behaved in a standard way and they've been at nursery/pre school without issue.

I'm surrounded by proponents of gentle parenting who have really made me question my instincts about enforcing boundaries/being cross etc. I need to trust myself I think.

The first I thought was - their responses are adult phrases. Who are they mimicking? What is their relationship with this person and is it feeding into what is happening?

My daughter is only 3 but is learning to share. We have issues with her wanting to share grown things like kitchen knives and the contents of tool box. She gets upset and repeats by the "sharing" line that she gets in nursery and when in toddler groups. We than had to offer and explanation as to why it's not appropriate to share sharp and pointy things with a 3 year old which doesn't go down well! She finds these moments that are countering her expectations for how this situation will go harder

Yes she's absolutely mimicking adults. Some of it me - 'that's rude' etc. Some of it other influences from school, I think.

In that case there's two scenarios going on or a mix of the two.

1. I'm going to throw your words back at you. If I can't do it, you can't do it
2. I don't understand why this is different to when you say it.

This has to stop.
If they are tantruming because dh has asked them to do something, then say to dc, your dad asked you, go and talk to him, and REMOVE yourself from the dc presence.
Talk about it in advance to dh and tell them straight, I am not dealing with tantrums generated by you. I fully support you in saying eg it is bedtime, but I am not playing bad cop. You must follow through with them and not expect me to follow through on your requests.

boundaries make a child feel safe.
When they kick against the boundary they are actually testing to see if it is still there, and if it holds.
Without any boundaries life is pretty scary, you don't know where the limits are.

Boundary reinforcing can be done in a kind and gentle way, but showing the child that the boundary is there and that you are in charge of it actually gives them a sense of relief that you are in control.

One thing that helps is acknowledging how they feel.
I know that it is frustrating to have to stop playing that game now, you are really enjoying it, but we have to go out, so you are going to need to stop. You can play it again when we get back.

and it is absolutely OK to say sometimes - because Mummy says so. Mummy is in charge.

‘I'm surrounded by proponents of gentle parenting who have really made me question my instincts about enforcing boundaries/being cross etc. I need to trust myself I think.’

I’m a proponent of being gentle, empathetic and understanding with children, AND I set and hold limits and boundaries. You can do both.

I'm surrounded by proponents of gentle parenting who have really made me question my instincts about enforcing boundaries/being cross etc. I need to trust myself I think.

Gentle parenting shouldn't also mean no boundaries. Children being rude at age 5 turn into rude and unpleasant teenagers.

Yes I agree you can do both but many of my friends would not tell their children that they were being rude/unacceptable, for example, they would just 'hug it out' or something. I don't think they would ever tell their children that they were cross with them whereas I think they know when their behaviour has impacted others. Essentially, there are varying degrees of 'gentle'!

Is everything definitely ok at school? Some of this sounds like stuff my child came out with when a similar age. Turned out he was being pushed around at school by other kids who were ordering him about, using parental type phrases. Like they’d push in front of him in a line up and say “respect your elders” or “know your place”. He couldn’t voice an opinion without being told he was being rude or saying things wrong. He would spend all day being meek and compliant (very good at school and no trouble for the teachers) and then let go at home. Oh and if my DS tried to push back at school with the bullies he was told he was the mean one and that he should be nice. Just a thought.

.

I do wonder about the school thing and friendship dynamics but struggle to get much information out of them about it. School don't think there are any issues but I would say DC is a bit less 'mature' then some others.

Those replies sound very grown up
For a five year old ,
I noticed you say 5 and "they" how old is your other child.Or do you have twins?

I was saying they to conceal the sex but I slipped up! I have a younger child too.

In which case I agree with the poster who thinks your child is mimicking an adults behaviour. You are the adult and your child needs to know that, be firm and follow through.

This all day long. This shouldn't be your problem to sort alone.

Could have written this myself OP both my 5 and 8 year old walk all over me! The 5 year old more so, accepts no boundaries. 8 year old pushes her luck a bit but will fall in line shortly afterwards with minimal fuss.

but they are such good kids in all the scenarios that matter (school, socially etc)

the way I see it is, is mums are their safe place, the place where they can push back and let it all out after long days at school where they are always doing as they are told and on best behaviour.
Probably an unpopular opinion, but I think there’s a lot of truth in it!