Abusive son

[Brokenandbewildered]

My son is 17 and for the past few weeks has been angry and domineering towards me and his younger brother.

It came to a head a few days ago when he stormed out of his room to slap the younger brother who was being loud getting ready for school at 8am.

Younger brother went to school crying.

Older son said I wasn't being strict enough with younger one, and I should keep him quiet and not let him wake him up.

I said I'm the parent and violence and aggression won't be tolerated and he should go stay with his father for a few days.

He followed me around the house being aggressive, physically intimidating and wouldn't leave me alone. He said if I didn't listen, he had no choice but to keep going until I did.

Agreement was he would stay with his father until Saturday and I will tell him the house rules (no violence or intimidation) before he comes back.

Trouble is, son still insists that he is right and I'm wrong and he is very hard done by.

Last night he rang the doorbell at midnight, saying he needed something from his room. One hour later he was still there and clearly wanted a big showdown. His father got involved and persuaded him to leave.

I must admit I feel frightened and unsettled for my other son and for myself.

For context, son has been smoking weed for two years, has now given up and is angry and unreasonable.

Can anyone advise what to do next.

Important - he can't live with his father as it's basically a bedsit.

The weed has not helped this, from a mental health nurses point of view that does soo much damage to the brain when it is smoked at such an age because the brain is still growing etc. if I was you I would suggest having a talk with him and saying if your living under my roof it's my rules I am the adult and will parent how I want to parent he needs to know your the adult and it's your home, tell him the rules when it comes to aggression and violence and how he made you and the younger sibling feel I don't mean shouting at him etc just have a calm talk.... has he been diagnosed with anything? What has his father said? I guess in this case it's good his father is there to help you if you're scared I would seek some help as in asking social care to get involved they can help you with getting support or even get family solutions involved if this has happened more than once too or say if you carry on with this violence and aggression I will have to call the police? 🤷🏻‍♀️

good grief op
this is serious
what does he do? college? work? how does he pay for weed?

Thanks for your reply. I really appreciate it.
He hasn't been diagnosed with anything but I strongly suspect he has ADD (ADHD without hyperactivity. He refuses to seek a diagnosis and says there is nothing wrong with him.
Younger brother and father both have diagnosed ADHD.

I told him I would call the police if needed. I may call social care or parenting helpline today to get more advice.

He insists I'm wrong and was very insulting to me when arguing. I kept calm but his was animated, mimicking me, shouting with angry gestures.

what does he do all day op?

I would suggest speaking to the gp and asking them for advice say how you think he may have adhd etc but he is refusing to come in, maybe speak to his dad about it and see if his dad can persuade him to go too or even if he's rebelling against you maybe he will go with his dad? All I can suggest as I have a son with adhd and he is also being assessed for asd is keep calm don't fight fire with fire it just escalates I end up ignoring the comments and vileness and he calms down when he gets no reaction I know it's hard because somethings do grind you but defo get help from SS they have been good too me with getting help for my son.

Sometimes he would bully and intimidate me to give him money for weed. This is in the past and now he has a part time job. He's given up weed now.

I gave him money sometimes because the consequences were him following and intimidating me and bullying younger brother. Please note, I knew it was wrong, but was broken from years of being a single parent to the two of them.

I fled from their father with the children ten years ago because he was also violent and aggressive.

I'm much stronger now and won't be taking abuse from anyone.

He goes to college but his attendance isn't great

is he back with you and your son OP?

How has the last few days been?

There's been plenty of shenanigans since.
Second night at his father's , he came here at midnight, rang the doorbell and woke me up. Said he needed something from his room. He stayed there for an hour and I got his dad to call him to go back again. He was angry and seemed to want a showdown but I stayed calm. This was unsettling and weird.

He keeps saying he can't move on until I apologise for telling him he can't live here if he is abusive to me or his younger brother. He cannot see any other way and repeatedly tells me I am abusive for saying that he would have to leave. It's been an awful week and feels a bit surreal, but I have continued to stand up for myself.
Yesterday, he was banging on about this again with angry body language and shouting. He wouldn't get out of my room. I said I can call the police on you if you don't leave me alone.

Then he said he'd call the police on me because I am so abusive.
He did, and the police came but that ended with him getting a lift to his father's for the night by the police against his wishes.
It's ongoing, Police were helpful, and social services are apparently going to help.
This is quiet a challenge but I'll be damed if my son is going to abuse me.

Get him a fold out camp bed for his dads.

Keep on standing up for yourself

I imagine he has learned this behaviour from his father

Sorry for three posts one after another.
What has been unsettling is how he has reacted to all of this.
For example, I sent him an email before he came back saying he couldn't live here if he's abusive and that I needed him to understand that before he came back.
He wrote back putting a few words of his own and copying my sentences so it was turned around on me, making me look like the abuser for threatening to get him to leave . This felt a bit chilling to be honest.

Yeah I wouldn't have him in my home.

Agree with PP, get him a blow up bed for his dad's bedsit.

I spoke to a social worker on the phone. She was talking about places run by the council for people his age who can't live at home for whatever reason. She said it's not ideal and many of them get in various kinds of trouble.
I don't want that to happen to him but if the alternative is living with an unreasonable bully...
Maybe the social worker will get him to see sense.

You are not being abusive so tell him that he can say it as many times as he likes but it doesn’t make it true.He hits his much younger brother, shout, follows you around going on and on and on. That’s abusive.

Do all you can to avoid him going into a home on his own with bad company. For sure the weed smoking will start again. Camp bed at dads- id buy it if necessary.

Tell him the rules- the first one being that it is your responsibility to protect your younger child from violence, which includes being hit by the older brother.Explain that if you can’t do that then younger brother may be taken out of the house.

It’s your house so it’s your rules. He doesn’t get to set the rules until it’s his house. You tell him the rules, and he doesn’t return until he agrees. I’d arrange a text of, these are the rules, do you agree? and get an answer and screen shot for later reference. Do not let hm back until he agrees in a non - threatening way.

I would then praise him for giving up weed, getting a part time job and agreeing to the rules ans let him back. He is behaving in a vile way, but he is still just a kid, your kid. Remind him you love him, but don’t love the behaviour.

You have two boys and you want them both to feel safe and happy. But you deserve to feel safe and happy too.

Dont beg for good behaviour, don’t look for sympathy. Be very matter of fact- this is how it is going to be. Stay on message and don’t spend ages talking it.

Just don't have him back , there's an abusive father now an abusive son . I'd try and protect the little son so he doesn't go the same way .

He hasn’t given up smoking weed. These are such obvious signs that he hasn’t.

His dad was violent with you. How is his dad with him? This is such a horrible situation for you.