Struggling with 10 month old

[Rileysmum2023]

Sigh
This is my first post. All I ever wanted was to be a mum. I left my job as soon as I found out I was pregnant to focus on a healthy pregnancy. My newborn stage was a dream. He was an angel from the hour he was born. Since about month 5 I’ve been struggling. I feel like he hates me. I am at home all day so I do 90% of his care while my other half is a work. But he cries when I try to feed him, bath him, play with him… everything. If he’s not crying he’s struggling to get away from me. He won’t look at me. He nips me and bites me. I’ve been trying to teach him how to wave and clap and he just cries and punches me and kicks me. But my OH and mum are trying to teach him and playing and giggling and hugging. I’m just sitting in floods of tears right now because I just tried to brush his hair after a bath and he wouldn’t let me. He just arches his back and tries to get away. The simplest bonding activity and he won’t let. Just me. I hate seeing my friends on social media with their babies in their arms or people out and about with babies in slings - when I put my Son in a sling he arches his back to try to climb out. And multiple times a day I just have to dump him in his play pen and walk out of the room because I can’t take fighting anymore and if I don’t wanly away I feel like I’ll be rough back. I’m not depressed, I don’t have PPD or PPA I am just struggling with feeling like my baby loves everyone but me. When I leave him with my mum for the night or even a few hours I’m so excited to see him and pick him up and he barely looks up from what he’s doing. Anyone else he puts his arm up to be lifted and starts stroking their face. I get a glance if I’m lucky. It just breaks my heart. I know I shouldn’t have expectations about what a baby will be like but at the very least I thought he would love me. It’s so hard cooking meals that get thrown on the floor (he also won’t eat solids), waking up 3 times a night to feed someone, have given up my career and social life and financial freedom for someone who hates me and makes me feel like “why did I do this?” I had the intention of staying at home with him until he was school age but I am taking a course now to get working again because the feeling is becoming mutual and I am resenting him. I’m really not a bad person, I wanted to dedicate my life to being a mum, I had so much love to give but I can’t keep giving love to someone who hates me. I don’t know what to do.

I think you might need to take a step back and reframe your thinking. You clearly had expectations of being a parent and perhaps the reality is not matching up? I would focus on small wins. At that age babies want lots of floor time. It's very normal for them to fight or resist baths, hair brushing, being in a sling. They want freedom to move around. Biting ang kicking are quite common at that age and can be frustration. Have you tried teaching some signs to help with communication? Remember that babies and children often act out to the people they are most secure with. It sounds hard and I do wish you well

Firstly, I’m so sorry you are feeling this way but please rest assured your baby does love you (in the way that babies understand love) because it’s an innate feeling they have towards those who love and care for them which it absolutely sounds like you do.
Out of curiosity, are you breastfeeding? When I was still breastfeeding DS and he was about 4/5 months old (he’s now 10 months old too) he went through a phase of getting frustrated any time I tried to do anything w/ him that didn't involve feeding him. He wouldn’t sit w/ me for very long without wanting to be fed and getting cross and I could NEVER get him to settle unless I was feeding him but then he would just instantly fall asleep as soon as anyone else (and I mean literally ANYONE ELSE) held him. In the end I started to combi-feed and then weaned him onto bottles because I felt like I just couldn’t keep up with it.
Either way though, I would definitely recommend talking to your HV or doctor about it all, even just about how it’s all making you feel. They will be able to offer you the right support and advice.
And above all, keep reminding yourself that you are a brilliant and loving Mum- if you weren’t then this wouldn’t be bothering you so much.

Good luck xx

You said it yourself, you're doing all of the 'stuff', not just playing and having fun. You have to feed, bathe, change nappies etc and those things are stuff babies don't always want to do.

It is hard when motherhood doesn't live up to expectations...my DD is a terrible sleeper and during the first few months I was just so exasperated. We all find parts of parenting hard.

At 10 months they want to do stuff. They can show you what they like and what they don't like. They're learning that they can do something that causes an effect. He's probably securely attached to you so knows you'll always be there. My DD smiles so much for DH when he gets back from work..I don't get smiles like that!

If you feel like you want to go back to work, great! It's good to be flexible with plans.

I'm terms of day-to-day stuff, does your DS have thing he likes to do? Join him doing those things, or if he likes to have free movement, let him do that.

Sorry you're feeling like this OP, it's so hard to do it day in and day out.

I have a ten month old too. Op, gently, you need to lower your expectations. No ten month old wants to sit there and have their hair brushed. Mine is crawling and isn't happy at the moment in the buggy as he just wants to be out crawling around so he literally complains the whole time (I have to get his older brother from nursery so he goes in and complains the entire way except if a stranger chats to him).
Cleaning his face, dressing him, nappy changes, it's all difficult and we have lots of screeching. He's grabby, pulls my hair, slaps my face - it's all normal. I spent lunch today picking up spaghetti off the floor, dinner it was fish. He refused his Weetabix and screeched in his dad's face at breakfast instead. He lobs the spoon on the floor between every bite.

I do stupid things that make him laugh, he loves being chased at the moment, he loves music. It's just about trying to find the things your baby likes (there will be something, I promise lol).

Your baby doesn't hate you, he's just comfortable enough to let you know how he really feels, and that's frustrated as he wants to be off exploring.

It's all normal- taking their primary caregiver for granted, being contrary, etc. Mine started this around 12 months. We don't use "no" in our house, the only thing my DD has heard being yelled out is "OW!" because she's usually violent and hurts us constantly. Sometimes on purpose (exploring her developing sense of empathy lol) but mostly on accident because she's just rough. So instead of yelling "No!" like a normal kid her age she yells "OW!" Constantly. And in public. Although any time I ask her a question the answer is always shaking her head no. If I say "I love you" she scowls and acts offended. It's hilarious because she's just going through that contrary phase. It's part of exploring free will, identity, and autonomy. If I go to her she doesn't want me. If I try to get something done she wants my attention. It's a chaotic time. After this is the wonderful Terrible Twos phase, which is mainly them trying to make their own choices, struggling against needing guidance. (Teen years are just about the same) Just let him be, try to see the humor. You have to back off a bit, and put more energy into your interests outside of being a mother. I think this is a case of expectations vs. reality. You might be smothering him too? If you make motherhood your whole identity it's not going to go well.

Everything you describe your child does, other babies do all the time at this stage, it's not personal and you are reading WAY too much into this. Babies go through phases and change preference all the time. You say you are not depressed, but the feelings you describe are not quite healthy. You sound almost like you are ready to blame your child for leaving your career, etc. Remember that it was your choice and it's only your expectations that are failing you here. Your child was an angel at the beginning and it was all good, now they don't behave as "planned" or "expected", and all hell breaks loose. It's not right and it's not fair on your little one to jump to all these hasty conclusions.
I mean this in the kindest way possible, parenting is ups and downs, take more time for yourself to clear some headspace and please don't resent your child, I've read somewhere that mums are their favourite person and that's why they misbehave with mums specifically because they know mums will comfort them the best.

Hey, how is your baby now? I'm feeling the same way and worried about several other things! V stressful x

Hi, he’s a bit better tbh. He’s by no means an affectionate baby, and it still feels like he saves his affection for his grandparents and other parent.. so still not me lol sometimes he will come to me but if I leave him for a few hours and I come back and get no smiles or acknowledgment. Again this is just me, he is lovely to everyone else.
Since this post he still doesn’t let me hold him, he doesn’t like me to hold him, rocking him to sleep and contact naps are something he just has no interest in. He eventually seen i dietician for his disinterest in solids when he was 14 months and they said nothing is physically wrong, just persevere. We did and he became interested in month 16.
The reason I’m saying he is a bit better is that he seems less angry and frustrated with me. He doesn’t hit and thrash around in my arms like he did before. He will give a smile if I smile at him and a kiss or hug if I ask. But for example we were with a friend and her child on Monday and her child was climbing all over her, playing and laughing and my child was totally ignoring me. My advice is just the same as what I recieved and that I did not want to hear - which is as just adjust your expectations and be ok with motherhood looking different than you expected. Hope you’re ok. I remember how awful I felt until I accepted I didn’t have an affectionate baby.