Regret not having a third (tw abortion)

[Hotwaterbottle84]

I dont know what I'm looking for here, maybe just somewhere to type out my thoughts and ask for any advice? Sorry and thank you.

I have two children, 4 and 6. They are best friends and I have lots of family support.

I always wanted 3 children, my husband wanted 2. After a really difficult second pregnancy (HG), complicated birth with subsequent recovery, I said I'd be happy with 2. But as they got older I really wanted a third. Husband agreed to try but would have preferred we stick at 2.

We tried, I got pregnant in July. I instantly felt really sick and realised I wouldn't be able to be there for my kids If i had another HG pregnancy. I also had a previous loss at 4 months before DS2 and panicked thinking i might risk months of sickness and have to go through another late miscarriage and recovery. I just kept thinking of the risks to my children who have a happy life. I contacted the abortion service and had a scan. The scan dated me a couple of weeks behind what I expected (5 weeks instead of 7) and it just brought me back to the times of my miscarriage. I thought it must mean the pregnancy wasnt going to be successful. Between the sickness and the worry of miscarriage again I decided to go through with the abortion. My husband was very supportive of this, said it was my choice but ultimately his preference was to stick with our 2 and not risk anything.

I can't stop thinking about what would have been if I'd been brave enough to go through with the pregnancy and if it had all been OK. I keep thinking I'd have been looking forward to having a baby in February. I don't want to talk to my husband about it as he already agreed to try for a third despite what he wanted and I got really sick, convinced myself the pregnancy wasnt successful anyway from the scan and chose to terminate. It doesn't feel fair to bring him into all this again.

But how do I get past this longing? I'm 36 and just keep thinking I wish I was having the baby. I really wanted three and I don't feel like it's done, I can't get my head around being finished with babies. My wider family would love it and I always wanted a busy house. But there's so many reasons to stick with two - the age gap now would be significant (kids are 7 and 5 in May and June), finances, house size, holidays (we've never been on a family holiday due to money). But I really want that final baby. Is it just my hormones? Feeling lost.

Unless you have seen someone go through HG most people won't get it. I had mild HG and my sister had pretty bad HG and started the pregnancy underweight so by 8 weeks she was 2.stone underweight. She had scans the dates weren't lining up. She had 3 scans over 3 weeks and it was dated as 6 weeks in all 3. She was given the following options terminated for medical reasons, wait and miscarriage or wait and the baby survives but due to other health conditions she have to be induced once the baby was visible. There was literally no good option for her. Of all things she had consider, and at just 19, the thing that tipped her over was the HG. She was on her knees and desperate for help. She knows it was the right thing for her but she still frets about the decision. She was told to avoid pregnancy for 5-10 years due to her general health as her body needed chance to recover. I just thought hearing another woman's story is a similar position might provide a small amount of comfort

From the age gap pov I am the middle of 3 there is 7 y between me and my older sister and 4y between me and my little sister. They have 11 years between them. We are all really close. My dad is the oldest of 5 and has a 2y age gap between him and the next eldest then a gap I think 6 &7y gap to the next two and with the youngest there is a 21y age gap! My auntie is like another sister and is 5y older than me. The only sibling my dad isn't in contact with is the 2y she gap! It comes down to the kids and adults.

We have 3 year and if we have a second it will a minimum of 5 y gap as I am medication I can't conceive on. I'm also 36 soon so it not too dissimilar position. I don't know if I want another child but I don't want to reach my mid 40s and realise I didn't have a second due to fear and not because I didn't want one. I'm working towards removing the problematic medication having the decision on a periodic review with my partner. I got very unwell after having my daughter and spent 11weeks in a mother and baby unit due to post partum pyschosis.

Apologies for just dumping other people's stories. I didn't have any words of advice and couldn't not say anything. I just hope some of our experience is a small comfort and maybe the odd thing you can bring to your own situation. I have found it difficult talking to friends for whom another baby appears to be a very simple decision do we want on? Yes, no? Yes. Ok let's crack on. But for a lot people it's not that similar so although it's not the done thing to do, I have started talking to people about the difficult decision it is for us.

Thank you so much for sharing your stories @Superscientist it's really appreciated. I'm so sorry for your sister and it did really resonate the HG being the thing to tip her over the edge. You're so right about it being an easy decision for some people and we were lucky through first went smoothly so the second decision was initially easier I think talking about it is a really good idea. The only person I've spoken to about any of it was my husband and I should probably speak to others. That must be hard knowing you need to come off medication in order to conceive as well, do you have doctors etc you can talk to about it too? I hope you get the chance to make the decision you want. A few friends of mine have 6 year age gaps between their two for one reason or another and they are all really happy. Your stories about age gaps helped me too, I think because I was one of three children under 3years, anything bigger always seemed enormous.

I feel a bit better just for writing this post tbh. The fear of judgement around the abortion is probably what puts me off sharing but I was just instantly put back into that dark place I was in when pregnant with my second and now feel I rushed my decision. But also there are so many reasons to stick at 2 and I am so lucky to have them. Just can't shake this feeling of regret.

I'm wondering what support you've had in handling all of this. I know some places will provide 6 sessions of counselling but I'm thinking maybe you would benefit from going private or finding somewhere that's not so time limited. Not because I think you needs loads of counselling, just so that you have some flexibility and control over it for yourself. It does help to talk these thing over out loud and in a judgement free environment. Sorry you are going through this at the moment and for what it's worth, your feelings sound entirely reasonable and valid to me.

Thank you, yes I have support from my consultant. I have started the process to get me on to the minimum amount of medication. It will take about 6 months to stop the 2 medication. I was getting to the point of being in a position to reduce medication anyway as my mental health is more stable at the moment.

Do have a chat with people. Pick someone more compassionate for starts and see how you go. There's nothing worse that cyclic thoughts stuck in your head with nowhere to go.

Good luck!

Thank you @takemeoutonight I really appreciate your reply. I haven't had any support and just tried to bury it and be grateful for what I have, but it's probably time to seek some.