Please help me to stop being so shouty

[Jahan]

Can anyone give me any tips on how to stop being so frustrated and shouty?
I hate being like this and never thought I would be that kind of parent.
I know lack of sleep doesn't help but its no excuse either.
I've just had a particularly bad episode during the eve dinner and bed routine and feel very bad . Poor ds1 was in tears and I still carried on. . I just don't know what comes over me.

I cannot help because I am like this too

Will watch thread with interest.

Me too

Which is odd, because at work (in special measures school with a bunch of hormonal 15 year olds) I'm always being told, "Miss, you never lose your temper, you're always so patient even when I'm being an ..."

So how can I not be shouty at work and get so frustrated at home (not always I hasten to add).

It's all a massive game. The rules are they upset you and you shout means they win. Don't let them win. They switch off when you shout anyway. Well, mine do. Trick is to lower your voice and be super sweet and syrupy. That is the really sick, scary part, and ignore all their whinging, and stay focused. Lots of super, over the top praise, for anything - some days the only positive thing I can say is "oh, you are breathing really well". Half time is over - coach has had her say. Go team.

sympathies to you

I have actually asked my ds1, nearly 7 yrs old, to come and give me a hug and be especially kind to me if he thinks I 'm getting too shouty. It always calms me down and let's me reassess the situation.

In a way it's terrible that he has to be proactive in this horrid business but it is a team game, to an extent, this parenting lark

good luck

I do a few things when I feel myself getting shouty:

1. Remind myself that someone might be able to hear me and I try to speak the way I would like to be heard speaking to DS.

2. Remind myself of how I would want a babysitter/ childminder/ teacher to treat DS and behave accordingly. I wouldn't dream of speaking to any other child the way I am tempted to speak to DS when I am at the end of my tether.

3. Use a stupid sing-songy voice which automatically makes angry things sound nicer and in a strange way, makes me feel less wound up

and sometimes I snap and shout. Then I immediately feel guilty for being so short tempered and apologise.

Several people have commented on how patient I seem to be even when I feel far from that most of the time.

I think often, you just need a minute to breath.

And some days, it's bloody hard.

It is bloody hard some days. Ds1 does something similar to your ds Suzywong and says 'mummy, I want a cuddle' through his tears which immediately makes me come to my senses.
Underated - I'm going to try to do what you suggest as I would hate for anyone else to see what a shouting demented idiot I must sound like.

I've been thinking about this all eve and night and I think it boils down to when I think I'm not in control of the situation eg when ds1 isn't eating his dinner when I'm telling him to. Its ridiculous as I don't want him to grow up always doing as he's told. I want him to be able to grow up and rebel, express and stand up for himself. I don't want him to grow into a 'Yes' man.

YKNOTC - Is it a control thing for you too? Or do you just vent your frustrations at home?
And Scampadoodle - hope you manage to be less shouty too.

(BTW I'm sure I'm a good mum most of the time)

I get shouty too. Am now putting kids in front of video so I have time to read very good new book: The No-Cry Discipline Solution by Elizabeth Pantley. Has lots of really good specific advice, plus a large section on anger management.

First, go easy on yourself, your not superhuman. My hints (by no means have I conquered this but I do it less and less), ensure you get enough sleep. If I am shouting, I am tired pure and simple. Try humour to break the mood. Sometimes if I am midshout I will suddenly roar like a dinosaur and scream, you better get to bed or eat your supper, whatever, because the dinosaur is angry. We all start laughing and it changes the mood from to silly. Walk away and have some tea and come back once you are calm. And finally, if all fails, talk to your child when you are calmer, explain you are sorry, why you were angry, and how everyone can act differently next time.

Jahan, I think it's venting! I only tend to do it when tired and unable to concentrate on what they're doing. I think some of the advice on here is really good. Sometimes when I'm feeling particularly prone to shout I deliberately leave whatever needs doing (washing etc), pull out one of the kids' favourite toys and say, "Right! We're going to all play with this now!". Usually withing 5 mins I've completely unwound.

It sounds like it's mostly venting with you too.

I think choosing your battles is a big one too. Distraction is the best technique. If ds isn't eating his food, then instead of nagging him I'll maybe start a race between us to eat all his peas (if he doesn't then I make a big deal that I won and move on to another game I like winning!)

Taking the focus off the negative is what works best for me.

Are you feeling better today?

Was it lisalisa on another thread who suggested imagining you have a film crew following you all the time? I think it's a great tip.

Love the film crew idea! I'm another shouter and really hate it as I said that when I had kids I wouldn't be like my shouty mum. Just hope I manage to control myself slighty more than she did.

My tactics are to pretend the windows are open so that the childless neighbours can hear me.

When I feel myself really losing it I grab hold of dc throw them to the floor and tickle them.

on really bad days i just go for a walk being outside helps (doesn't work on the late for school mornings though!)