DS7 different boy at school

[Hillsmakeyoustrong]

Hi all, I have a DS 7 who is a twin with DD 7. He is a kind boy with a good sense of humour and emotionally aware (and articulate) when he is calm. At home, he isn't perfect but we find him relatively easy to parent. He will bicker with his sister, is not emotionally resilient, will pull a face if he doesn't get his way and often struggles to follow basic instructions (we suspect some SEN) but he is good company and not prone to outbursts or tantrums. But at school, he is a completely different boy. He likes going, no trouble going in, and would be described as kind and funny but he is (we are told) very emotional and unable to regulate himself in certain situations. These include when boys are being mean in the playground (or not playing his game), having to queue at dinner, not being helped with his school work in class (he is quite monopolising of adults in this setting), being asked to produce work on paper and not winning in a game (eg in PE, after school club etc.) Today, the teacher asked to talk to me as he had had a particularly bad day and described him as being emotionally young and still in a "me, me, me" phase. He is behind by a year in reading and writing and somewhat behind in maths. We are waiting on an assessment for dyslexia but he is always keen to read with us at home. He has the most amazing long term memory, and is incredibly observant, but will almost immediately forget what you have asked him to do or anything he has just learned or read. I'm not sure what I'm looking for but we are very disconcerted that DS is such a different person at school and whilst we feel the dyslexia diagnosis will solve part of the puzzle, we feel there is more, and I guess I'm looking for people's similar experiences or thoughts. We have given him ear loops to wear in class (these help), he has a tutor once a week and sees a child counsellor as well. DH and I are boundaried at home, with set routines and we don't allow situations to escalate so I partly feel its a boundary issue at school but probably there are triggers at school that aren't at home. Ultimately, the feedback has been consistent since nursery (DS has been in same school since age 3/4) and we feel as though the "he is just young" reasoning is wearing thin as is everyone's patience. I feel he will soon be in danger of being labelled as the naughty one. I worry for his academic, emotional and social welfare. Thanks for reading.

I think that as he gets older it's becoming more apparent that he's out of step with his peers.

You're doing a fabulous job by catering to his needs at home but without all of the adaptations that you are making for him, he is struggling.

Has anyone mentioned the possibility of ASD or ADHD or both? If you are waiting for a Dyslexia Assessment, has it been mentioned at all? Usually Dyslexia is seen alongside ASD/ADHD.

I would really urge you to pursue assessment for both. We couldn't get DD assessed as she masked so beautifully at school. Well, that was until puberty coincided with the start of High School and that's when things well and truly started going awry.

DS1 was diagnosed with ASD/ADHD at 7. It was apparent that the difficulties he’d been having in school weren’t going anywhere.

He’s doing extremely well now at 11 (medicated for ADHD in school). His diagnosis elicited extra support and he absolutely loves school.

FYI autistic girls mask in (primary) school but tend to let it all out at home, so this might be worth keeping an eye on with your DS twin.

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto absolutely right, it is becoming more apparent that he is out of step at school. His teacher has said she suspects dyspraxia but obviously cannot diagnose that. He ticks a lot of those boxes. We will likely go for a private assessment as I suddenly feel time is getting short. I hope you get all the story you need for your DD. I have heard masking is particularly practiced by girls, must be exhausting for her, and you 💐

FYI autistic girls mask in (primary) school but tend to let it all out at home, so this might be worth keeping an eye on with your DS twin

That's a really good point and something that hadn't occurred to me.

Thank you @Hillsmakeyoustrong. She's under the Paediatric Team now for assessment but the process is very long, currently looking at 65 weeks just to see SLT.

@ProfessorPeppy so good to hear. DD definitely has extra needs but tends to fly under the radar and is quiet in the classroom. She is sociable to a degree but never seems to be affected by playground politics which is somewhat bemusing. I do suspect autism with DD.

Hear again with more possibly bad news's. That is exactly how DD was in primary.

My son is very similar at 8, but much more behind. School dumped him in the SEN class and won't support an educational assessment because he's not disruptive and "there are kids with bigger problems". He can't read, write, find his own clothes, follow instructions or retain/retrieve any of his belongings. He has barely any friends because he doesn't really understand social interactions.So...no advice, but sympathies. I don't know what's wrong either and I guess I'll never find out at this rate.

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto yes I've always felt she is on the spectrum. She observes (and I think mimics) the girls (and me) but if you ask her who she has sat with or played with she doesn't remember. Names, interactions and who said or did what just doesn't register and she seems somewhat immune to any school drama. She is also obsessed with dogs and has pretended to be one since she was 3 and I've had to gently encourage her to play other games with her friends.

So sorry you have to wait for so long. Is there any support whilst you wait? This is all very new to me.

Gosh your DD really does sound like mine. Immune to school drama and loves dogs. She went through a phase of insisting she was a dog. One if the best things we've done is to get one although she's not too keen on the actually walking but is very good at teaching our old DDog new tricks

And support is none existent unfortunately.

@Switcher that sounds very demoralising, I'm sorry. I wish I could say I'm surprised but our school haven't been forthcoming with a concrete plan and certainly haven't offered us any formal assessment. We have paid for the dyslexia assessment ourselves. It feels like our school doesn't have the time or the resources to help DS so we are doing a lot at home and not trying not to rely on them. It's so hard finding your way.

@Switcher our School wasn't supportive either. Would the GP refer him for Assessment?

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto we have two dogs! I think she pretends to be one to take a rest from being human 😂 much easier to be on all fours shouting woof than having a conversation. She also collects toys rather than plays with them, loves cuddly toys in particular. But boy is she sassy at home and she loves singing.

Oh, I'm sorry. Its maintaining the connection in all the chaos that's so crucial but not easy. It's a marathon isn't it.

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto yeah GP is my next step. Two year wait so I guess if I can get the referral might be able to go private. I just wish my DH would help at all as opposed to just observing there's a problem.

Another thing to look at could be auditory processing disorder - that means not being able to hear well in noisy settings (even if you have perfect hearing - it's a brain thing not an ears thing) and having real problems with what's called "working memory". My DS with it could read a history book and tell you all about Julius Ceaser weeks later, but couldn't remember "brush your teeth, put your socks on, put your shoes and coat on, grab your bag" if given all as one list of instructions at once. He always needed the teacher to come over and explain the task to him one on one after she'd explained it to the class as a whole.

Things that helped him were sitting near the front of the class, wearing ear defenders to block noise when they were meant to be writing or doing maths, having lists to check of things to do, and routines that he just learned (now at 10 he's memorised everything he needs to do to get out of the house in the morning for example).

That said, APD won't explain the emotional behaviour, needing to win, etc. as others have said, that might be more ADHD like.

Thanks @SummerInSun I will look into APD! Even one verbal instruction can go in one ear and out the other. Cannot remember things like a school bag on leaving the house, cannot retain his belongings at school. I've considered it might be an adhd thing but I will look into APD, thanks 😊