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Parenting

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Mum guilt! Leaving child at home to go to a wedding abroad!

24 replies

Doingmybesteveryday · 21/11/2023 19:53

Good evening everyone, should I being doing this?

one of my oldest friends I have known since we were teenagers is getting married at a gorgeous venue in Majorca next summer. Their wedding was postponed to next summer, instead of Summer 2021 after welcoming their baby boy.

I got married Summer 2022 ( in which they were invited to and attended) and myself and my husband since welcomed our own baby in March.

They have since resent new invitations for their new date, and have advised this will be an adult only celebration, with their own child being an exception which is perfectly fine. Their day, their rules. Reason being venue is up a mountain and their numbers are very small. Again, no issue here, we chose not to have children at our own wedding.

DH and I agreed that neither of us would attend, and would decline. However, after speaking to the couple, without mentioning our plans, they have said they are delighted and grateful that we will be attending. After a discussion with DH, he suggested that I travel solo and he stay behind to look after DS. Travelling to Majorca on the Saturday morning and returning on the Tuesday, which will mean 3 nights away from DH and DS. I was unsure at first, but he said, why not, he is perfectly capable of looking after DS who will be 15 months at the time of travel and our parents live close by if he needs a hand. He said I deserve the break, and it would clearly mean a lot to the couple.
Most of their wedding guests will be travelling for a week, but, I have decided to go for 3 nights, to not only be involved in the brides Hen party, but a pre dinner the night before and the day itself, coming home Tuesday morning which is the day after the wedding. I am quietly excited at the thought of having a few nights away to let my hair down and be me again, safe in the knowledge that DS would be able to spend some quality time with his father and other family members in my absence. I will FT multiple times a day. Advised my DM about my plans and she was absolutely horrified, explaining she never had any nights away from me until I was at least 10, 3 nights is far too long and will be upsetting for DS. Implying I am doing something very wrong indeed and That I lost all right to any “me time” the day I decided to become a parent. My argument is, I am going for a wedding, I’m not booking a random holiday alone for no reason, DH isn’t joining me, and DS is not being “palmed off” to grandparents or strangers! I have booked the trip, and now feel so guilty that I’ve even done so. AIBU to feel this way? I was looking forward to it, now I just feel guilty that I am, that I’ve booked it, and thinking perhaps I should be spending the money on DS instead.

hit my with your opinions please.

OP posts:
gotomomo · 21/11/2023 19:56

Ignore her, go have fun! Personally I would have left mine with my mum by that age (well would've weaned properly but that aside)

Mummymummy89 · 21/11/2023 19:57

So your dc will be around 16mo old?

Do you actually want to go? I'm sure your dc would be fine, that's over a year old.

Personally I wouldn't have wanted to do that when dd was 16mo old but there's no harm in it, no need to feel guilty I'd have thought

Edit - oh yes I see you said 15mo.

bakewellbride · 21/11/2023 19:58

Do it if you want but i personally could never do it.

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ChampagneLassie · 21/11/2023 19:59

Would you DF have supported your mum? She is perhaos just jealous. everyone is different, if you think you’ll be ok with it go for it. I’ve not been apart from my LO for more than a few hours and she’s 20 months but most of my mum friends have done overnights, some on holidays for trips of way longer. I’m going to a wedding solo abroad next year for 2/3 nights…I’m a bit nervous about it but I think it is good for everyone. Looking after your mental health and having breaks will make you a better mum

PizzaPastaWine · 21/11/2023 19:59

Please go OP - you will have a amazing time.

Your DH sounds perfectly capable and supportive. I'm sure he will enjoy the one on one time too.

WeeSleekitCowrinTimrousBeastie · 21/11/2023 20:02

Go and enjoy yourself and ignore your DM.

Mrsjayy · 21/11/2023 20:04

it's a long weekend your husband can manage the baby . your mum is just being mean spirited and probably a bit envious. what you do is nothing to do with her and there is no need for you to FT multiple times a day. just go have a great time.

overwork · 21/11/2023 20:04

Ah don't let your Mum ruin your plans. You're leaving your baby with his Dad, whom he presumably lives with and knows rather well, not an incompetent stranger.
I know some people can't leave their babies, and that's fine too, but if you have the childcare sorted and you're excited about it, go off and have some fun.
Your baby won't remember that you were gone and he'll have a lovely time with his family.

justanothermummma · 21/11/2023 20:07

My DH went on all sorts of stag parties away home and abroad when DC were little and I have been away for a few hens home and one abroad.

My DC are 3 and 5 now and he's got a few trips away with friends next year and I have two trips booked in next year too.

I think it's healthy to have the odd break away with friends, especially if you have a supportive partner to take the guilt away! We haven't gone away together and left DC with family but we'd like a night away in the next year or so.

It's personal choice, every parent is different. Don't let your Mum make you feel guilty! If your DH is supportive then go for it and celebrate with your friend, weddings are so fun and a joy to be a part of, and you have compromised going for a shorter time as it is.

Enjoy it OP. X

dammit88 · 21/11/2023 20:07

Of course it's fine - however if you have your own doubts couldn't OH bring baby and come with you but not actually attend the wedding?

Portach · 21/11/2023 20:10

Why would you pay the slightest attention to that kind of nonsense? Ignore. Enjoy yourself.

SnowflakeSparkles · 21/11/2023 20:11

Oh I’m surprised at the reactions here, I’m usually on the no side of these types of posts because they always seem a bit too much (thinking of the 9 week gap year style trip mentioned recently), but I absolutely agree with your DH. He’s more than capable and your LO will be 100% fine with their father!

Perhaps it’s because I’m on the other side of it now, I never left my DC with anyone and have never really had a break, but recently had to travel on several overnight stays with work and it was completely fine.

Enjoy your friend’s wedding, these things are rare occasions and if you want to go you shouldn’t limit yourself. Lovely your DH is being so reassuring too!

SnowflakeSparkles · 21/11/2023 20:14

Oh sorry I guess I should say YABU for feeling guilty when there’s absolutely no need!

ChipOffTheOldBloch · 21/11/2023 20:16

I would have chosen not to. But if you choose to go and both you and your DH are happy with the arrangement then go and enjoy yourself.

MrsElba · 21/11/2023 20:18

Would your mum have made such a comment about your DH leaving your child? Would he feel guilty about going away for 3 days? Go and enjoy yourself. Just because you've chosen to have a child doesn't mean you lose your own identity, and it's healthy for a child to see their mum having a life and that the world doesn't revolve around the child, IMO.

Thanksforreading · 21/11/2023 20:22

Go and enjoy yourself! You deserve it, don’t listen to your DM! You DD will be with your DH, it’s good bonding time for time and it’s a healthy time to be away, not too long and not too short! My first time away from my DD was 8 months, one night at a spa with three other mum friends that all have babies the same age, we all cried because of mum guilt but when I got back to my DD I don’t think she even noticed I had gone! She’s now 2.5 years old and I’m happy to say that partner and I have both had a few trips away each with friends over the past couple of years and I think it’s healthy for DD to see that in a healthy relationship you can still have friends and travel etc

museumum · 21/11/2023 20:29

Go. Enjoy yourself. Dh and ds will be grand.
my parents never had anytime away from us as kids and while I obviously never thought about it as a child, it wasn’t all great on reflection as an adult. We had no sense at all of them as people in their own right with their own interests and lives. I think I’d have related more as a teen if they’d sometimes done things for themselves.

SunshineAndFizz · 21/11/2023 20:29

Go.

Doingmybesteveryday · 22/11/2023 20:14

Thank you everyone. I feel better now 🙈 x

OP posts:
Nikki8762 · 13/01/2024 08:08

This isn't just a random break, this is your best friend's wedding... you will forever regret missing out on this occasion. Dads go away all the time and leave their kids, mums are allowed away aswell.

She shouldn't of said that to you, just because you're a mum it doesn't mean you can't still be you, he'll be with his dad, he'll be perfectly fine. No one would say a word if dad was going and you were staying home.

It's 3 days, your son will never remember you being away. But you'll remember not being there for your best friends wedding day. I'm sure you'd be gutted if it was the other way around and she missed your day, that magical memory.

Please don't let your mum get in your head. Just because she chose not to do that, doesn't mean you can't x

Strugglingtodomybest · 13/01/2024 08:15

I'll bet that your mum couldn't go away and leave you till you were 10 because she had no one to leave you with and nowhere to go. She's now spinning it as she didn't leave you because she was a brilliant mother.

Go OP, go and have some fun with your best mate and please don't feel guilty.

ZombieBoob · 13/01/2024 09:43

If your really worried could you all go but just dad and baby don't attend wedding? If not no worries! Enjoy it. Everyone deserves a break.

AndThatWasNY · 13/01/2024 09:48

Are you very grateful to your Mum for "sacrificing" herself for you. Do you think your child will be?
Tbh your mum sounds a bit of a nob 😁

MichaelAndEagle · 13/01/2024 09:50

Definitely go, and don't feel guilty about it. Its a very old fashioned view she has, and at that time most peoples DH wouldn't have wanted a 15 month old for 3 days to look after, or really been that good at it.
You will miss your baby a bit of course, but I still think you'll enjoy yourself.

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