2 year old has been hitting me for over a year now

[August21yellowbaby]

My son started smacking me when he got to about 14 months
He's not 2 years 4 months and he's still doing it
I've tried ignoring it
I've tried firmly saying no
I've tried putting him down and walking away but nothing is helping

He mostly does it when I'm holding him, like when I pick him up from nursery he will run over and I'll pick him up and talk to his teacher for a minute but he will always slap me hard infront of everyone
He does it if I pick him up in the supermarket cause he's running off
Sometimes I will be cuddling him and he will smack me

I'm getting really irritated by it now, I've called it a phase for too long now, nursery have said he has started doing it there now as well so it needs to stop

Any tips ?

I'm sure I'll get into trouble for saying this, but you seem to have exhausted other consequences so after warning him a few times I'd smack him back - not hard, obviously. I'd not put up with it from any other human.

Definitely do not do this. It sounds like a lot of the scenarios are predictable so you need to be one step ahead and not put yourself in a situation where he can hit you. Speak with nursery and have a consistent strategy for how to deal with it if he does hit. Start reading books about emotions/feelings so he learns what different feelings are and different ways to react if he's feeling cross. The colour monster is good. Through this we've taught our daughter to stomp her feet rather than hit if she's feeling angry.

Consistency is key. No matter what else you implement, consistently you must say “we don’t hit” put him down and walk away / disengage. Over and over. My ds went through a period of this but he didn’t like me withdrawing attention and he liked the positive attention if I was praising his good behaviour. I’m trying to remember the advice we had : effusive praise of behaviour we did like was key I think.

If you can anticipate when it is going to happen, if you can catch him when he's just about to do it or starting to and say no hitting with a very cross face and hold his hand firmly, that will help to interrupt the habit.
It also sounds like he's doing it to get your attention, like kids often put their hands or things to your mouth when you're talking to someone else because they don't like your attention away from them. If there are times when he is saying I need you to focus on me, like when you're picking him up, try to focus on him then and catch up with nursery when he's occupied elsewhere.

Have you tried being very cross and shocked every time he does it? It sounds like he’s running rings around you.
Your child is hitting you, getting away with it and now hitting others.

You need to tell him off. Properly. It is ok to do this! You’re his parent!

I recently have been telling him off very firmly to the point his dad tells me off, I'm not letting him run rings round me, I'm actually very firm with rules

So one human hits another so doing the same thing by hitting them back teaches then to hit

I don't mean the judgement in a pearl clutching way but it makes no sense at all to hit back

I would put down and leave the room to get a drink or something

But he keeps hitting so something is not working

The issue with this is that you are Modeling his behaviour is ok which it isn't. If you're hitting him, why can't he?

Sorry OP. Consistency. Say, I won't let you hit me and stop him from doing it. You are not allowed to hit mummy, kind hands. Tell him you understand he does not want to be picked up but whatever he is doing is not acceptable. It's hard. Sorry again. I have a hitter too and he's 4 but only does it when he's fully melting down now.

What an unfair response. Shit like this is easy to say if you haven't had a child doing this. Also, how do you even punish a 2 year old. They're pretty much babies still.

So let dad do for him. Dad can do the picking up, the childcare and the pickups. If he isn't on side then he is telling your toddler that he's allowed to hit and that you are wrong to tell him off. Why should he stop when dad says it's ok to hit mum?

Sounds like he's hitting you in situations where he doesn't want to be picked up. DS was a runner and I know some aren't keen but I had him with a backpack with rains most of the time so he couldn't run off. Especially after almost lossing him in the supermarket once.
The case when speaking to his nursery teacher surly he could play while you talk. Or distract him with something.

You will get flamed, no doubt, but I actually agree.

My daughter was a hitter, and when all the usual methods to deal with it hadn’t worked (during the twos) I eventually (she was three by this stage, and had more understanding of what I was telling her) resorted to sitting her down one day and telling her that when you hit somebody, you have to expect that they will hit you back, and that it she kept hitting me, I would henceforth hit her back. And I did - if she hit me or was about to, I’d give her a warning “if you hit me, I will hit you back”… if she then hit me/ hit me again, I would smack her hand or leg, and follow up up “if you hit someone, you can expect them to hit you back”. After a few times, she’d raise her hand and pause, and you could see her considering it as I gave her ‘the look ’, and then she’d lower her hand.

There is nobody in life that I’ll put up with hurting me physically.

If it’s at a time when you’re collecting him from nursery, it makes me wonder if it’s just poor control of his emotions, and he’s overwhelmed to see you? (Obviously not excusing it, just trying to make sense of it).

Having said that, @August21yellowbaby it sounds like you need to manage the situations where you know he’s more likely to hit you. e.g. I wouldn’t be picking him up at nursery collection, and I’d tell him why - “no I can’t pick you up because you hurt me when I do”. Ditto the supermarket - engineer it so that he has no opportunity to run off in the first place, and he does and you have to grab him, expect him to hit you and prevent it if you can.

Two is very young, still - how verbal/how much verbal understanding does he have? Mine didn’t have much at that age.

Sounds like he’s telling you, through physical expression since he probably can’t do it verbally yet, that he does not want to be picked up and hold. So obviously keep going with simply and calmly telling him off but can you minimise the amount you’re picking him up? There’s no need to be doing it whilst you talk to the nursery for example, since that’s a safe environment. In the supermarket have him on reins or in the pram so he can’t run off and won’t need picking up. Don’t cuddle him so tightly so when he’s done he can hop off your lap. That sort of thing…

He doesn't like being picked up and cuddled. He is doing it because he can't communicate that. He's not a baby.

Reins for safety. Pushchair/trolley and strapped in if he runs away at the supermarket.

Is he just hitting you in the face? I'd pick him up, give him a cuddle and then put him down again and hold his hand. Put him in the trolley at the supermarket and give him the scanner to scan the shopping for you. Kids love being given a job and it'll keep his hands busy

To those saying not to pick him up at nursery, I think this must depend on the nursery! Ours does handover outside the front door (has done since COVID, I don't know about before) so yeah, if they start to run off if course you're going to pick them up / strap them in the pram if show signs of running off, they could run into the road!

Sorry OP I don't have much advice other than to ask your DH to stop undermining you when you are telling your child off for hitting... Does he not think it's serious?

You're not being firm if he's still doing it.

He is 2, and he needs to understand at his level why it's wrong.

Every time, act like he hasn't done it before. Act really hurt and shocked, over emphasise how much it hurt you. Ask why he did that, why he hurt mummy, etc. Then straught away give him reason to not do it again. "No, you can't have X reward because you hurt mummy." "Tv is going off because you hurt mummy,"

Every single time you need to stop it. Gently hold his hands down, tell him no, we don't hit. If you put him down and walk away, he's just going to carry on with his day. He doesn't understand why it's bad to hit, which is why he's still doing it.

Child abuse is not ok, do not hit back. You can safely and gently restrain him to stop it, hold his wrists with a flat palm. You can gently hold him like that while you tell him not to hit

No it teaches them that if you hit, you may get hit back. You don’t get to go round smacking with impunity or just a firm word as punishment. Kids behaviour has been on a dramatic downhill slide since parents stopped (lightly, and used as a last resort) smacking. I’ve never smacked my children but I wouldn’t rule it out if they tried this kind of behaviour. Of course I mean a tap to shock them not a hard slap or anything like that.

Good point. I’d probably try to avoid the chat with the teacher then, let them know why of course and/or have the pram ready so he can be swooped straight into it. Just avoid standing around holding him. Obviously you can’t nor should you never pick him up! But since that’s clearly a trigger I would try to minimise it wherever possible.

There is something called cute aggression. It's when something makes you feel so much emotion it makes you aggressive. It may be that he is overwhelmed with emotion in that moment and can't regulate himself.

Generally he is trying to communicate and failing (fairly standard for his age).

I never understand the chat at the end of the day. Little ones have been waiting to see you and then your attention is on someone else. Maybe a distraction would help at this point "oh mummy has something in her bag for you". Some mums talk forever too (waiting behind them is frustrating as an adult).

You need to look at the cause, rather than just punishing the behaviour.

Why is he hitting you at nursery? I'd assume either for attention or emotional overwhelm at seeing you. Or because he doesn't want to be picked up.

Why is he hitting you when you're cuddling him? Is it attention? Or the cuddle has gone on long enough?

Why is he hitting you in the supermarket? Presumably because he doesn't want to be picked up when he's running off.

Solve each of these problems and avoid him needing/wanting to hit will be more effective than just punishing him after he's hit you.

Combine this with lots of work on emotional regulation and communication. How is his speech? Can he ask to be put down verbally? If he did, would you listen?

Solve each of these problems and avoid him needing/wanting to hit will be more effective than just punishing him after he's hit you.

But that doesn’t teach not to hit which is the key issue here. It teaches that if you hit your victim should stop doing whatever it is that made you hit them.