How to deal with these parents

[Tsc2011]

Sorry, this is a bit long!

My daughter has had to deal with a small group of bullies at school for the last year and I’m looking for some advice on the most recent incident.

My daughter is 8 and used to have a small and very close group to girls she was friends with. I wasn’t keen on some of them and I heard and saw some bad behaviour from three of them towards other kids in the playground.

We’re planning to sell up and move and whilst preparing our kids for this our daughter told her fiends who immediately fell out with her, told other kids they couldn’t play with her and started doing some pretty vile things. This included getting their older and significantly larger friend to hit and kick her, telling her she should kill herself, saying they wished she would die, telling her she was ugly, and taking things off her (learning resources, toys in the playground etc). It’s also included trying to get her in trouble with teachers (our youngest daughter has a strong belief in justice (and would quickly dob her sister in if she’d done something wrong) and has confirmed this). My daughter’s been scared to go to school on occasion.

The school haven’t been great but I did push them to contact the older child’s parents which out a stop to the physical bullying.

We’ve encouraged her to find new friends, which she has but she still has daily issues with two of the girls.

We were called in to school the other week because the teacher had observed several incidents of bullying towards my daughter and my daughter was distraught. We told the parents of one of the children who said they would ask their child about it but have since blanked us when we’ve seen them.

One girl is the daughter of a couple we used to socialise with. I’m not keen on the couple or their daughter so we don’t anymore. The mother is a bit of nightmare and also dotes on her child (she described her as her “idol” in a recent FB post) but when she read a school group chat about bullying towards a different child she immediately messaged me to ask if it was her child doing it. I think this shows that she knows her child is a horror. When I explained her child had been involved she went above and beyond to excuse her, saying she was just so naive and innocent she doesn’t understand it when people are bullying her. It was bizarre!

Anyway, I’ve been messaged by the parent of one of them to say my child had told hers and this other one that FC isn’t real. I was then given extensive parenting advice by this woman, including a monologue to read to my child to remind her to “be kind” and then was reminded of my “responsibilities”. Now, my daughter hasn’t told me she doesn’t believe but she’s very bright so I wouldn’t be surprised if she’d worked it out a long time ago.

I, of course, don’t advocate her ruining things for others if that’s what she’s done but I explained I would speak to her first, rather than just believe what this little bully is saying.

Meanwhile the parents of both kids have taken it upon themselves to send messages to the class group chat to say that “a child” has ruined Christmas for their kids and to, again, publicly remind the parents of that child of their responsibilities.

What would you do?

Just as an update, the group chat has now progressed to these women reminding “the parent” I.e me of my duties as a parent.

I’m sorely tempted to address this head on and respond to the group that I’ve already explained I will get to the bottom of this and am not in need nor have I invited parenting advice, mentioning the ongoing bullying as a reason this is not clear cut…

When are you moving?

I could not send my child into that toxic mess.

Disengage from the parents. They are not interested in resolving this, only reframing to assuage their guilt.

And in future, don't go head to head with parents. Nothing good will come of it. Anything that happens at school needs to be handled by the school.

I’d tell them that it’s possible that it’s your child as it’s unsurprising that she has worked this out at the age of 8 and that you have asked her not to say FC isn’t real but can’t ask her to lie if asked directly.

But significantly, I’d also add that you won’t be taking parenting advice on teaching kindness from those who haven’t even been able to raise children well enough to know that bullying is wrong and give examples of the physical and psychological bullying your daughter has faced.

Ultimately, it doesn’t sound like things can get worse, so why not be upfront? The right-thinking parents will be horrified and hopefully rally round. And if they don’t, luckily you’ll be out of there soon.

I would change schools if that's an option. I know some people aren't a fan of that but what would you do if you were getting bullied at work? Tough it out or find another job?

At the very least leave that bloody WhatsApp group and block their numbers.

"I had not realised the group chat had become a parenting advice forum, but I'm all for it. I would like to respond to X and Z that, despite numerous reports from myself, other parents and the school, your daughters persist in being bullies. Whilst we are reminding children about not spoiling FC and being kind, I would suggest that kind of playground chatter is low priority in comparison to the daily trauma and upset being caused by bullying. I trust that with your recent qualifications in childhood behaviour, you will deal with your children accordingly and swiftly."

@MaisyAndTallulah

It’ll be another 3-6 months before we move but my daughter struggles with change so we made the decision to include her in the decisions to help her with this which is why she’s known for so long.

We stay very quiet on the matter of the bullying, trying to deal with it through the school. My partner got so fed up seeing her upset last time though which is why he spoke to the Dad.

The group chat is still going on where they’re discussing how irresponsible the parents must be for their child to discuss this at school.

I can see where their daughters get their bullying tendencies from.

This 100%

Thanks All. It felt like the parents were trying now to bully me so I have responded.

I said that I didn’t usually respond to unsolicited parenting advice on group chats but pointed out my child was one being accused and as I had already explained to the parent I would speak to her when she came home. However, I would not be chastising her. She’s 8 and I would expect her to tell the truth if asked directly. She holds no responsibility to any other children.
I also pointed out that she’s been subjected to bullying at school which caused us to be called in due to how distressed she was so on the subject of “being kind” I would hope we’re all encouraging our children to be kinder.

We’ll see how this explodes! Can’t wait for school pick up…

… and the mum of the bully who knows it’s her child I’m talking about liked my post (probably to make it look like it’s not her child).

One mum has messaged me in full support and said her 5 year old actually told the little ones and she assumed they were directing comments at her 😂

Really sorry to hear you and your daughter are going through this. That is awful behaviour from the bullies. Can your daughter swap schools? Or is that happening when you move?

Yes, I would go with this. Head on, to cause maximum embarrassment for them.

Good luck. Stick to your message. They sound alike a bunch of previous twats whose kids will turn out just like them.

Update: mum of one of the bullies has messaged me a long rambling message giving me her take on life, explaining that all children are kind of heart who make mistakes but feels pointing out and addressing these accusations of bullying would crush her child and be very unfair . She then went on to explain 🤦🏻‍♀️ to me that all adults also make mistakes and find forgiveness hard (??).

I responded that we obviously parent differently but we feel that if a child is observed by an adult bullying another this should be addressed and that our child is suffering because of it.

Her response? I’m bullying her (!), her daughter loves my child and she won’t dissuade her but her relationship with me is over (not a big loss for me). The accusations of bullying have caused much upset to her family and I am causing suffering to her daughter.

This is the first time I’ve addressd bullying towards my daughter with her.

Am I the only one that thinks this is bat shit crazy?!

Really can’t wait for school pick up now 🤦🏻‍♀️

I just responded that I didn’t know what she was talking about, these weren’t accusations but observations by the staff and that from now on we’ll deal with it through the school.

@stormy11
unfortunately we can’t move just yet. We have a whole other issue with the house (described on some of my other threads) but as soon as the house is complete we’ll put it on the market.

In the meantime I’ll be staying away from these women as much as possible.

One mum messaged to say she raised a bullying issue with this woman about her daughter and also received a long rambling essay about how, essentially, her daughter is god-like creature and can’t be questioned on her behaviour.

How was pick up?

@TedWilson I got in and got out as quickly as possible but made sure I spoke to some of the nicer mums so I didn’t look intimidated by these other women.

The WhatsApp group imploded though.

Mum 1 ( who’d messaged me in the morning and had started this whole discussion on the group) sent a message to the group after school saying that she was aware of some accusations of bullying but had spoken to the school and it was nothing more than friends falling out.

One mum responded that we all knew and had previously discussed on the group that the school were reluctant to name any behaviour as bullying and always described it as friends falling out when it was often much more serious.

Mum 1 then said she was removing herself from the group, it wasn’t a nice, supportive place to be and I had accused her daughter of bullying (I’d been careful not to name any children or accuse anyone).

Mum 2 (the one who’d messaged me and we used to socialise with) then piped up that the whole group was basically a bunch of b**tards. She went to town saying the parents at the school were awful, had bullied her and her child and the group repeatedly targets her (the group usually just discusses school parties, bake sales and nits). She said she feels the school protects her child (yes they do) but if we didn’t feel the same we should all leave and then she left the group. This woman’s just had herself elected to the PTA so I find it particularly weird that she was so critical about the parents (we’re in a tiny school and the group consists of around half the school’s parents).

Mum 2 then blocked me on FB, as if were are all in fact 12.

This was all in response to my one message that didn’t name anyone, requesting they all stop discussing my DD and asking that we all teach our children kindness.

It was all a little unhinged and I think a bit shocking to the other parents. One messaged me to say my message hadn’t accused anyone but she now assumed that the children of both of those mums were the bullies as they’d basically identified them themselves.

One messaged the group to say she had no idea what had just happened but hoped the group could keep going as it had always been very helpful. Everyone else stayed silent.

I sent a short message to say I was sorry if anyone was offended by my message but I was struggling to see where the offence had come from. I didn’t feel it was appropriate for adults to be discussing my child on a group chat and so had addressed it but I certainly hadn’t named any child as a bully.

It’s at least been interesting to see how the mums of these girls behave themselves which has been to try to bully me in a group chat and then throw a fit when they’re confronted about it.

I’m just hoping this doesn’t filter down through the kids and they step up their bullying of my DD.

What a horrible situation to have to deal with OP! I think you've handled it brilliantly. I'd be surprised if the bullying stepped up. You've managed to indirectly call out their kids behaviour. They've not liked being confronted with the reality of it, but they know the behaviour is being watched now so I think they'll be keen to stop anything further.

Doesn't sound like the school address it sufficiently though if they always dismiss it as fall outs.

😳
Wow. Don't think you could have handled that better.
Good luck, I hope you get your DD out soon, what a toxic mess as a pp said!

Why be on a fb and allow them to manipulate or bs.
I strictly would avoid this at the moment if you can, why feed into it.
Bullying is terrible, I hope your daughter moves on to a happier, healthier, less small-minded friendship circle.

Ah wow, they definitely outed themselves. No wonder their children have issues!

Thanks everyone for the reassurance. Yesterday was a very weird day and my partner and I were left wondering what the hell had happened and if we’d dealt with it properly.

Like I said, I’ve previously stayed out of the conversations on that group and bitten my tongue when those mums bestow sanctimonious views on life and parenting tips on the group. So to have blown up that group with just one message was both impressive and a bit shocking.

I’m nervous for my daughter today so have my fingers crossed that she’s OK.

Get your daughter to tell those kids the stupid Elf is bogus too and the Easter Bunny is imaginary.

May as well take out the Tooth Fairy too 😁

@TheClitterati 😂😂

We were saying among ourselves last night that we hope she really has ruined their Christmases.

We also got to the bottom of the whole Christmas thing. Apparently, according to both DDs the group of 7-8 year olds had been discussing whether FC could be real.

The bullies argued that it was all down to magic but my very practical DD said it was impossible and she didn’t believe in magic. The bullies then all piled in taunting her telling her she was now on the naughty list and wouldn’t be getting any presents.

She said she left them saying she really didn’t mind what they believed and they shouldn’t be bothered by what she believed.

So not some great revelation as the mum tried to lead me to believe, but a very typical discussion at that age between one child that is growing up, and some 8 going on 9 year olds that still believe in magic.