Did your relationship with your 1st baby change when you had your second?

[Kilminchy123]

Have been hearing and reading a lot of comments on how people feel their relationship changes with their first born.. so scared as he is my world and our bond is amazing. He will be 26 months when his little sister arrives in March and really scared on how our relationship and or bond will be effected.. any advice/opinions??

No, our bond wasn't affected. His character developed as he stepped into the role of big brother. He was 2y4m when his little sister was born.
There are lots of good books you can read together before baby arrives to prepare him for the change. Help him visualise what it will be like, what will be different (day routine, practical stuff) what will stay the same (mummy loves you, you are very important).
Then when baby is born involve him as much as you can in having chances to show love and be caring.
Chances to show off his skills to encourage him to do stuff (baby can't clean her teeth yet, why don't you show her how etc).
I also took advantage of the fact that the age he was at (same gap as yours more or less) is an age they still believe puppets are real when puppets talk... so, to help him wait for things, such as when baby needed all the first thing in the morning stuff doing (and to help him feel connected) and some patience was needed, I would pretend baby was telling me all about a dream she had, I put my ear to her 'What's that you say, you had a dream about you and bro!?' ... She always dreamt about fun adventures she and he had together, the stories were a bit mischievous and involved him and her as sidekicks together. He believed she was having the dreams and would want more details etc, it helped create a bond for them when she was still at the just eating+ sleeping stage. For instance she dreamt they sneaked out of the house and explored a chocolate factory together, managed to have lots of fun in the chocolate factory, but were back in bed before mummy noticed, mummy was baffled how they woke up with a chocolate mustache'... Those kinds of 'when the parents aren't looking' type mini adventures with them both in cahoots.
She 'dreamt' they camped in the woods and talked to fairies... Just stuff like that.
In this way, she enriched his life, didn't come between me and him, instead he was part of this new bigger family with him in an important position in that family. His heart had me in it and her, and he grew with the love because she wasn't his rival, she was his pal and mummy loved him and her fiercely.

There are loads of things you can do to give him a role that matters and a connection. Those examples are just an illustration, but give an idea of how with a little thought you can protect the bins you have and help him build a new one with the baby.
Often the older child wants to regress a little too gave reassurance they are still your baby too, I always allowed that and played along, it doesn't last, they're just checking they still have your nurturing attention. So maybe I would rock and sing to him as though he was a baby too, often with him on my knee and her on his (me safely holding them both) .. that kind of thing.

The only thing that changed was that he seemed so small until she was born, then suddenly he seemed massive! 🤣🤣 I didn't imagine I could live anything as much as him, and then there she was and I felt that way about them both!

You'll be fine, have faith and lay the foundations for the kind of relationship you want to see and enjoy. Show him the way as to how your world/heart grows not shrinks when baby arrives.

There was one other thing that helped too. My Ds was very focused on me and not so keen on dad before DD was born.
So before baby arrived we encouraged him to spend more time with his dad doing fun things and boosting that connection, so that at those times when I was not able to give him all my attention when baby arrived he could get that from dad and not feel so hard done by/pushed out.

My son was 6.5 when his sister was born, they're now 10.5 and 4.. mine and my sons relationship changed once she turned about 1, and then again once he got to almost 9, he now seems to think shes my favorite, I love her more etc etc, of course it's not true but since she came he got 'naughtier' as boys tend to do as they get older I'm guessing, so he was getting told off more etc.. he moans about most things I do, has tantrums when I tell him no, all the usual stuff you'd expect from a 10yr old but I think it's exacerbated by his sisters presence and his feelings of being second best now. It breaks my heart everyday but I know I'm not alone, this is common, but also common is siblings being the making of each other and being the best of friends, so hopefully you get that!

Babies consume a lot of attention. To the older sibling that can look like favouritism.
You can try to improve their pov by talking to them about how what you need to give a child at different stages is different from necessity, so what two children get on the same day can be as different as their ages are, but if those children were the same age it would be clearer they were being the same love and care.
Reminiscing about the same devotion and attention they enjoyed at that same stage can help them 'see' that, when they don't 'feel' it. Looking at photos and talking about it, so they realise they too had that at the same age can help.

I think mine did. My son was 5 when his sister was born (she’s now 2). We had a lot of big changes around her birth too - moved to a new city when she was 4 weeks old so new school/friends etc for my son. I was also diagnosed with ADHD at this point which came as a complete shock to me.

I absolutely adore my son, he’s my first born and the one who made me a mum but I know he feels abit left out when I’m comforting my toddler if she’s hurt or unwell etc. I still give him a big cuddle if he’s hurt or poorly but obviously I can’t pick him up an carry him in the same way.
he does seek attention sometimes but overall he’s really good and really caring for his sister.

I have a huge amount of guilt surrounding all this and it actually really gets to me so I make sure to have time with just my son and I let him have treats that she isn’t aloud and let him stay up abit later at night etc. I think it now affects me more than him and the ADHD/moods means when I’m overwhelmed or overstimulated I can be quite snappy and it’s often at him if he’s playing up. This makes me sad but I’m working on it and have improved alot.

This is a good idea!
i like the idea of looking back at stuff to show eldest they were once spoilt like younger sibling too.

if my toddler is misbehaving and I have to tell her off, I sometimes tell my oldest “X has just done this” so that he can see she’s not always the golden child and he will giggle about it and I think he’s starting to see that she’s not always perfect too

I’ve spoken to many parents who found, as I did, almost a grief at the loss of relationship with your first in the early days, especially if breastfeeding the new baby and constantly attached to them. But fortunately it recovers. I was used to being main caregiver and the one my first wanted for everything, but for many months it just wasn’t possible to attend to her in the way I had, my DH and other family members did more for her and it did impact things in the short term, I think we both missed what we had before.

Like pp above we dealt with a lot of jealousy and still do, but I think these are very normal emotions which some kids experience with siblings more than others. Plenty you can do to help but remember you are not responsible for your children’s temperaments, just there to help them through how their particular ways present difficulties in their lives. And this is a loss for an older child, as well as a gain! They will be just fine in the long run though.

My oldest was 20 months when her sister was born, and yes, our relationship did change, though it had been changing gradually during my pregnancy too as I became less able to lift her and play physical games with her. DH very much became her default/favourite parent for a while, while I was given a big of a cold shoulder. Once new baby was about 6 months though and breastfeeding less, it gradually began to swing back and now I have two mummy's girls.

Thanks so much guys for all your suggestions! I find I’m already grieving for what I know will inevitably be so much change for my son and I. I wanted a sibling for him so much but now I can’t help but feel like I’ve already ruined everything and I fear this feeling will progress once she is here. Did anyone else feel regret during pregnancy out of fear that subsided when baby is here? I know I will love her but I’m just so scared because at this moment in time I love my son more as I don’t connect well in pregnancy 😭😭

What you have with your son will always evolve through every year of his life with or without a sibling, but it is unbreakable. Each evolution will bring new stages, challenges and joys.
For every little moment that he shares you when before you were exclusively his, you will still be there and this new person he can help show the way for and influence who she becomes, he will be very important to her, you can teach him that.

I also don't connect to my baby in pregnancy, not with either of mine did I feel 'love' until they were born. I had hopes and fears, expectations and questions but no real tangible love until birth... It's just how it is with some.

But please don't torment yourself that you are about to be plumbed into a horrible rift. You have the ability to lead this journey into the unknown for him, show him that mummy's love is so huge and strong that it can hold you all without anyone feeling unloved. That change doesn't need to be feared, it can be interesting and new and involve trepidation but also discovery. And when a baby comes along you don't get a smaller slice of the love pie, the love pie just gets bigger!

If you draw his attention to all he gains and show him the vision of his family in the future not just today, he will come through it all just fine.
My Ds is now 13 and his sister is 11 and they are close as can be. They have in jokes aplenty and make each other laugh.
Your positive input can help them build a healthy relationship by lighting the way, help them create a positive bond from the beginning and as far as their personalities will allow they can enjoy each other. They don't have to be in competition for your love, they can be equal family members who both matter, are both loved and both know it.