Why is she like this?

[VelcroMom]

DD is 19 months old and I still cannot leave the room momentarily without a meltdown and her coming looking for me, panicked. Night time is no different but another story altogether. I can't put her down to make food, wash up, take a shower, etc for more than a few minutes before she's getting completely worked up that I'm not holding her. She's upset 50% of the time with me. On the flip side, nobody else who looks after her (DP, PILs) has any idea what I'm talking about because she is NOTHING like it with them. MIL worked in a nursery setting for 30 years and states DD is one of the best "behaved" children she's ever seen.

I know children are different with their mum and the theory that we're their 'safe space' for emotions, but I'm literally the only person who gets any of that and I get it ALL. I've spoken to the HV service and they didn't have a lot to say other than advice I'm already/have always been doing. I'm with DD 5 days a week because it's considerably cheaper for me to do the childcare, and I love her more than anything in the world but the toll it takes on me is so, so profound. I've completely lost myself when I'm in mum mode (i.e. most of the time) because it's so overwhelming.

No one else I've spoken to have issues as extreme as this, why is this happening to us?

All children are different. Just a bit extra clingy. Try distracting her then leaving the room for a few seconds and gradually increase time. Repeat as long as necessary.

I'd say the opposite actually. My DD was very much like yours. We were laughing the other day as I was saying how clingy she was and she can remember being carried around on one of those Hip Seats.

Don't leave her if she's not settled. If you have a DP/DH get them to give her breakfast whilst you get ready for the day. Take her places in the day where you've got other adults to talk to and make her feel secure. Get a small box with a few toys in for each floor of the house, like a treasure chest, and take her with you, even if you're just popping to the loo.

Once she's got used to you always being there, she'll start to feel more relaxed.

The only way that this works is if I literally disappear (she turns around and I'm just not there anymore). But this increases her anxiety then for when I'm, for example, going over to the other side of the room without the intention of going anywhere and makes her even more clingy. She's at a point now whereby I can't even swap arms when carrying her without her panicking I'm about to put her down and abandon her. It's the most extreme case I've ever heard of.

Has she always been like this or has it recently got worse/more extreme?

Has anything happened e.g you've had to go away to stay at hospital?

How often is she cared for by other relatives? And how is she when you leave her with them (as in the moment that you actually leave?)

She's 19 months now and you'd be surprised how much she understands what you say to get even if she can't say anything back yet. My advice is don't just suddenly leave her, that's only going to increase her anxiety as you're suddenly not there and that's what she's scared of most. Instead tell her you need to put her down so you do x/y/z she can sit near to you and play with a toy / do water painting / eat something and then you promise as soon as you are done you will be there again. She's not going to like it, she's going to cry she's going to scream but you keep calm and reassuring telling her you will come back to her and you with her and she can play with her toys for 2 mins. Gradually gradually build up time little by little always telling her you're there she's OK and you will have a cuddle in a minute. My 2.5yr old given a chance would still be glued to my hip every waking moment but I have gradually followed this method such that she can last a little while without me holding her as long as I stick to my promises!

Also if you can involve her in what you're doing so she can 'help' (which takes twice as long but she'll learn something and feel like her and mum are the best team)

It happens with you because you pick her up and feed the behaviour.

Stop picking her up when you're cooking etc.
In the few minutes that she's ok, talk to her about what she's doing and what you're doing, so that she doesn't feel that playing nicely means you'll take the opportunity to leave.
When she gets upset, come down to her level and play with her for a few minutes to help her settle and then return to your jobs. Or alternatively, find a way for her to be higher, at your level, get a tower stool for the kitchen so she can watch what you're doing, give her something to join in with.
In other words, comfort and connect, but don't pick her up.

Throughout all of this tell her what is happening. Communicate to her what the plan is, they you're not leaving etc.

When you move from room to room, hold her hand and let her walk with you.

Sounds like she doesn't trust you will come back. Can you think of a reason why she might feel this way?

If you've been leaving without saying bye then it's no wonder she's so upset. You need to build the trust with her again. Set boundaries and then stick to them, children feel safe with boundaries.

For example, if you need to cook and can't carry her, explain and don't pick her up. Empathise with how she feels and be patient, calm and kind when she cries but hold the boundary. She needs to trust you for this to ease.

She's always been this way but it's gradually gotten worse throughout her life. I've never been away from her for more than 12 hours or so and that's only been recently when I've returned to work. She spends time with other people at least 3 times a week (DP taking her out just the two of them, or going to PIL/DMs), which has been the case for quite some time now and the transition has never improved. The point at which I leave she is bawling/screaming and trying to get to me.

I appreciate you taking the time to respond but I think you underestimate how severe the behaviour is. There is no playing with her once she gets upset, and she already is at my height literally close enough to be touching and she still freaks out. Me talking to her does absolutely nothing except wind her up further, verbal reassurance is more antagonising than comforting in the situation. In fact if she even hears me say the word "go", as in, "shall DD and mummy go into the kitchen to get a drink" she will lose it because she automatically defaults to assuming I'm leaving her. Or even something like "mummy get the ball" (as in that's on the other side of the room). God forbid if I stand up and start walking unexpectedly too. She's not just having a paddy because I've fed the behaviour, she is genuinely terrified I'm going to abandon her. This isn't a case of "why does she only throw tantrums about these things with me but is fine if other people say no", she is genuinely unbothered and has zero need or desire for anyone else to pick her up (and they don't because she doesn't want them to).

No. I've never left her for more than 12/13 hours, never left her overnight, never left her to cry. In fact I had big abandonment issues that have negatively affected relationships throughout most of my life that I've had to work through, and I've purposely parented so as to try and foster a strong attachment with her so that she knows she can trust that I will be there. I don't mean I'm a permissive parent, but I hold space for her when she gets upset over boundaries like what she isn't allowed to do. Those kinds of tantrums are very different (far less intense) than the meltdowns she has over me leaving though, one comes from a place of frustration and the other from fear.

both of mine were like this around that age, and only with me. I remember feeling like I just couldn’t leave the house, if I did it, was so stressful.

now, they honestly couldn’t give a shit where I go. It’ll pass pretty soon. Just hang in there as best you can.

Just to clarify, this isn't something I've done for a long time (maybe 9-10 months ago) and it was in response to already being unable to leave her due to her separation anxiety. It was only a handful of occasions (because it was obvious it didn't help) and for as little time as it would take me to have a quick shower or make some lunch, never more than 20 odd minutes. I actually wouldn't get a lot of choice in it to begin with because DP or PILs would take her away from me and try to distract her through it, it was only when I insisted it was making things worse that they stopped and left me to do it my way.

How old were yours when they stopped?

I completely understand what you’re going through. My 16 month old is almost exactly the same. He’s always been very clingy, but it started to get extreme at 11 months and really really bad when my second son was born (when DS1 was 13 months). I can be screamed at almost all day, while my mum holds the newborn.

I am also not a believer in sneaking away or letting him cry it out. I just feel like that feeds the anxiety, so I’m just trying to meet his needs each time and I’m hoping it will go away eventually.

I wish I had the answer for you (and me!) but my only suggestion really is to get a toddler tower if you haven’t got one already. When I’m trying to cook or make bottles in the kitchen, he gets in his tower and rearranges spoons, or plays with Tupperware so I can crack on. All he really wants to do is join in, so I let him as often as possible.