Tell me how I should have handled this please

[NAB3wishesfor2008]

DS1 is almost 7
DD is 4 1/2
DS2 is 2 3/4

All in car to go to school after DS1 had been messing about and saying unpleasant things. I am going about 5mph and do a sharpish stop to get them to stop messing about in the car. DS1 gets a smack on his hand for it. They carry on messing about causing a distraction so I just stop the car on the hill. (Nothing behind) DS1 tells me I ama bad driver.

Once out of the car he runs off which means the other 2 follow and this is by a fastish road. Both the older 2 think it is funny. DS1 knows I am fed up with it and is playing me. I give him a look and he just looks straight back at me. I feel like I am not ready to be a mum and if I had any energy feel like I would cry.

He lost his computer yesterday and wasn't allowed on his frogger game this morning. I wondered if that was getting him worked up. I had read him a chapter of his Famous Five and thought we had had a nice time doing that.

DH and I feel like we have no sanctions for discipline and warnings ie do that and ...
He is an angel at school but just will not behave at times at home. I am not expecting a perfect child 100% of the time. It would just be nice if for once he could behave.

Is he old enough to do a disciplined sport? Maybe it will give him an outlet, it seems his letting off steam at your expense. See if he could join a gym class, football, rugby, cricket, karate or judo class even?

Sounds like he wants attention - maybe more one to one time with him? Might take more than one chapter of a book but a step in the right direction?

Re the getting out of the car. Get reins for the younger two and get ds1 out of the car last and hold his hand. Easier said than done, I'm sure!

Explain to ds1 that if he can't behave by the side of a busy road, he too will be having reins. That may put him off as presumably wouldn't like reins on.

Well if there is any messing about in my car i shout very loudly - I have a very stern shout (have been told I could be a teacher!). DS is under no illusions that messing about in the car has dire consequences.

Child locks on car doors? And I presume DS1 still sits in the back? This way you have control over who leaves the car and when. I also shout really loudly in car.

The staring business... some kids do that more than others. You have to decide if you are going to get into a staring contest ( you CANNOT back down) or if you are just not going to accept this behaviour. Then your "look" is just that. Igonre his stare (I do that with DD2).

Do you ever watch the "Dog whisperer"? I am not by any means implying that we should treat our children like dogs...what I have learnt from watching this guy is that it is YOUR energy that controls the situation. You should find that calm assertive place inside yourself and then just move from there. If your children know they can "play" you they will. Be very certain in your own mind what you want from them and also be very clear in your own mind what the consequences would be if you don't get that. And you and your DH suppport each other 100% in any decision regarding discipline. The kids need to know you are united.

And definitely get them active and tired out.

Also a friend of mine used to set aside one day a week for each of her 3 sons. On that evening he had 2 hours of her undivided attention and they did things together...can you and your DH work out such a system. This time was sacred and she never interrupted it unless another child really needed her. Two of her sons were hyperactive and this really seemed to help.

Good luck.

Hi NAB

I think you coped well with a very difficult situation actually

You can't physically control 3 kids if they want to run off!

What I think could be different if it happens again, is not use the car as part of your trying to deal with them; don't do a sudden stop, and don't just stop - unless your ds is unstrapped and literally on your lap and in your way, you can ignore rather than do stuff with the car

I agree you need a system (child locks?) where the younger kids can't get out until you let them out. They are the younger ones who you can control in this sort of way so concentrate on them I think.

When you say you read him a chapter of his famous five and you 'thought we had a nice time doing that' - well, you DID! You seem to think sometimes that because you do nice things for him that he should somehow remember that and not be pesky. But children live in the moment - it doesn't mean that it's not a good thing to read with him or not 'working' IYSWIM

I think you and DH actually DO have sanctions - removal of computer time etc as you've mentioned in this post

Don't make the mistake of thinking that you don't have sanctions just because they don't 'work' in that they don't make him good all the time. If you consistently apply the boundaries he will learn in time - he's still only 6

I think you do far far better than you think you do!

Thanks all.

I went to do some jobs!

It is on my list of things to do to find an sfter school activity for DS1 but it boils down to what do I do with the other two? I might be something DD can do too and I can occupy DS2 myself. There is no one to have the others as FIL won't drive in the dark so no after school babysitting.

I see now I was wrong to stop the car. In a way I guess that was giving them attention. I only drove today because we had to be back asap for a delivery (that still hasn't come so I could have walked them.)

The only way I can see to have more control when walking by the road is to put DS2 back in his buggy but it doesn't seem fair when he isn't really being naughty - he is copying them and doesn't really get it about roads yet. It is the laughing in my face - figurivity speaking though sometimes literally - that makes it hard and when they just will not hold on to the buggy what do I do? I only have 2 hands. DD can usually be trusted but she gets caught up with DS and runs off too. They gang up together against me!

The kids all sit in the back and the car doors are locked until I get out. I usually get them out and then get the stuff from the boot, asking them to stand on the pavement while I do it. Maybe I should get the stuff out then let them out?

I plan to walk every day the weather allows and on those days it is slightly less stressful.

Talk to DS about road safety. Just recently a child who ran away from his mum caused her to let go of her buggy to run after him. The buggy was involved in an accident (can't remember the details sorry) and the child in it was killed.

maybe try to divide and rule then...get dd and ds2 on your side by keeping talking to them, distracting them, telling them that they are behaving beautifully and you are so proud of them for being so grown up and sensible, etc etc etc

Make them feel seperate from ds1's behaviour and help them to see he is being silly and it's more fun to be in mum's good books

I think DS2 back in his buggy IS fair actually. As you say you only have two hands and you need to ensure the safety of your children - and he DID run off. Going back in the buggy is a consequence of that. But it doesn't have to be a punishment, make it ok for him with a treat to eat or something.

Maybe you could try beavers for your DS1? It's the club that comes before Cubs. You drop them off and leave them so there would be no worries about the other two

Also lots of martial arts/Gym type things will want parents to drop and go so it needn't be a problem

You're right NAB definitely keep them strapped in till you are ready so you're not faffing while they are on the pavement

I think you should make things as easy as poss for yourself; I only have one child but at 2 my DS was either in a buggy if a long walk, or on reins. Totally age appropriate and you don't NEED to be giving yourself the task of having three kids running about freely!

I saw that story, firefly too. It was such a sad story. my buggy ran away the other week and luckily no cars were around, and DD grabbed it before it went in the road, but it is still a worry.

If I said what could happen DS1 would just tell me he wants to die anyway.

I leave the buggy as DS2 loves to walk and tbh it seemed easier that getting it in and out of the car but actually it gives me a different kind of problem so buggy it is!