Paternal Grandparents Childcare

[newmumaugust2023]

I am currently 7 months into my maternity leave and starting to think about childcare for my son. My parents and my husbands parents have offered to look after him for the days he will not be in nursery. I have some concerns about my in laws looking after him as my FIL is a big drinker and I don't believe he's going to stop drinking when looking after my child (he drinks everyday - heavily). I feel like it's going to be an extremely awkward conversation to have as I don't feel comfortable leaving my child with them but then this is affecting my MIL spending time with her grandson? My husband agrees it is an issue but is still keen for them to look after him so that they get time with our son, he thinks his Dad might stop drinking but I am very sceptical.

Advice?

Does he actually drink when he would have the child? If yes, then it’s a no.
TBH he’s better in nursery as family tend to want to go on holiday or get sick, so you have no cover, whereas nursery will always have them.

Is he drunk heavy drinking? Does he drink during the day?

Youve done two threads. Is it the drinking or the dog that’s the problem ? Or is this just made up?

Thanks for the replies - he drinks all day, every day, he is an alcoholic, but has told us he will "give up" - I'm really not convinced and how would I live with myself if something happened to our child whilst he was under the influence of alcohol? My MIL doesn't drink though. Should I trust that with her around things will be okay?

I've done two different threads to get different responses - some people will relate to one and not the other. Both are an issue.

If there's an issue with a dog and an alcoholic those issues need to be resolved before your child is left in their care.

I replied to your other thread. Reading this one, no way in hell would I leave my child with a drinker!

An alcoholic who promises he's going to give up, and you dh is certain they're going to keep the aggressive, bitey dog separate from your dc.

I think your MIL has made her choices in staying with an alcoholic husband and not training their dog/not getting it PTS when it biy your BIL. Her being upset that she's not going to be able to babysit is a consequence of those decisions.

No fucking way would I be leaving my 7mo with an alcoholic OR an aggressive bitey dog.

Oh how tedious.

An alcoholic childminder with an aggressive dog. What could possibly go wrong?

Could your MIL take care of your little one at your house? Say it's a familiar environment and feel more comfortable.

Put your child in nursery for their day(s).

Then only if there is absolutely no one else to pick him up and look after him for 60-90 minutes get them to help you out.

Absolutely this.

I wouldn't accept someone telling me they will stop drinking. I would need them to have already stopped drinking and been reliably dry for some length of time before I'd trust them enough to begin to consider leaving my child with them.

Absolutely. You'd be putting your baby in danger, and you know that.
Your husband is an idiot for thinking this will be OK, and frankly you're being foolish to even consider it. This is a time for you to put your foot down.

An alcoholic with a dangerous dog is not a suitable caregiver for your baby - surely you must see that!

The only safe and feasible option (aside from just using nursery and keep in-laws to social & supervised meet ups) is MIL caring for DC in your home and strict instructions not to take him to their home or meet up with dog/FIL whilst she is caring for your child. If you aren't certain she'll honour this then don't do it.

I don't see why you'd do that. Both issues apply to the same person.

If anything went wrong would you be comfortable explaining your choices to social services?

Can your MIL look after him at yours on her own if itsjust a day

You mean to the police.

As if something goes wrong with a dog and an alcoholic around it would go very wrong.

Get MIL and your parents to come to your house to babysit that makes it fair and even for both. If they won't come to yours then they don't do childcare. FIL and dog shouldn't be anywhere near your baby either alone or with MIL. She may feel that she can just pop out to the shop or to hang out the washing leaving the baby with FIL.

My mother never babysat our child because my father is an alcoholic. She made a choice to stay with him. I made the choice to protect my child from being exposed to an alcoholic without my supervision.

your mil won’t pick up your child and leave the house if your fil starts drinking or acting inappropriately. She has chosen to tolerate his behavior and will continue to do so, without even realizing that your child is being harmed.

Not a chance in hell they would ever be looking after my child unsupervised.

NC incase friend is here. My friends mum looks after her child (2 YO) 4 days a week at friends house because her mums husband is an alcoholic and she doesn't trust him around, the child is never around the mums and her husbands house unsupervised. She recently mentioned she'd found out her mum has been drinking and taking child to the pub while she has the child. I don't think I'd trust anyone with my child who was married to an alcoholic never mind the alcoholic themselves. It shouldn't even be a question. Didn't see the post about the dog but I'm baffled you need to even ask.

Agreed