I don’t know what to do ………

[hoopmatrix]

don’t know what to do ……..0 replies

hoopmatrix · Today 06:13
my 10 year old ds was so upset last night. She really cried which she rarely does, she seems to hold everything in and then breaks down. She shares a room with ds5 She desperately wants her own space but we don’t have an extra room for her. She shouts at ds when he come into the room. She seems so angry. Then I get annoyed cos she’s shouting at him.Shesaid she wants time alone and yet when she is in the room alone she feels lonely 🥲 She has been quite withdrawn on and off. She is desperate for a pet but we don’t have a garden. Not sure I can cope with a hamster 🙈 She has friends at school but I’m not convinced about any of the friendships being great for her. Now her friend has moved house and has her own room, ds feels she’s the ‘only one’ sharing- obvs I said she isn’t. Sometimes they take the mick and tease a bit, she is very sensitive to this. I have tried to give her stratagies to manage but she finds it hard to stand up for herself. She told me that she doesn’t talk much at school (which I am aware of)- she said she ‘loses her words’ and doesn’t contribute much in class. We had parents evening and they said her work was great and she is doing well academically. She loves skateboarding and goes once a week, swimming and football.
she has also started to worry about secondary school and whether she will go to same one as her friends, which may not happen. We are applying for a grammar school just to try , as the schools near us aren’t great.
I’m struggling a bit myself in general, don’t live near family. Feel exhausted with the kids and general routine etc. Just so worried that if she doesn’t manage to get her self esteem up she will find secondary a massive challenge.
she also said that’s she just doesn’t know ‘what to do’. I asked what she meant, she said at school playtime she just follows her friends around as not sure what to do.
I know some of it maybe hormones but feel maybe it’s more? I feel I’m not doing my best as a Mum as I’m exhausted and struggling myself.
if anyone has any advice I would appreciate it. Sorry for huge ramble at 5am . Thank you

Firstly I’d wonder if she has SEN, and she’s got to the point where she’s struggling to mask now.
Secondly I’d be wondering about puberty, and if this is hormones starting to kick in.
Thirdly, I’m not surprised that she’s fed up of sharing a room with a 5 year old. What are your plans when she starts her periods and wants privacy?

This sounds very very tough. Is there a teacher that can mentor her in some way? Does she know she isn't alone and that growing up is very hard. Lots of children feel they don't fit in and don't know what to do and they all think they are the only ones feeling like this.

As a priority I would try to look at ways of rearranging bedrooms and living space so she has some privacy. I don't suppose you have another room you can repurpose into a bedroom, separate dining room for example? If not, could you look at somehow dividing the room so she has a sense of her own space? Lots of ideas on Google

For sure it’s not easy to share. We are in a 2 bedroom flat with lounge and kitchen. No sep dining room. Trying to work out how to divide room into 2 spaces, have ideas. It’s a small room.

Because she rarely talks openly like this there hasn’t been much chance to get deeper with talking. Also hard with 5ds with lots of energy around. When he goes to bed she stays up for longer to give her some of her own time. The space is a definite issue.

Can you take the smaller room and divide the biggest room for the kids?

Do you rent? Council/HA? Own?

This sounds exactly like my DD at that age and after various things tried she was diagnosed with anxiety. Having a plan for different scenarios at school/ in life really helps her.

About the room, is it just the three of you? Then I would do a sofa bed in the lounge and let her have her own room. Or share with your son for a bit and try to move.

Be wary of her having too much time alone though, don't want her in her head too much iyswim.

This is what I thought, but there are fitted wardrobes in the bigger room, also the window is bigger and big radiator on one wall. When I measured up and looked at options they are only better of by 40cm. I think I can make the smaller room work better in the short term.

Council. Qualify for a 3 bed now but it’s not happening yet.

Can you sleep in the living room (get a good quality Murphy bed or sofa bed) and give her the bedroom? She needs the privacy more than you

I think anxiety is there. I live with my partner too. He works late and I don’t feel the lounge as a bedroom would work- which is a shame. I k ow what you mean about too much time alone- not good. Feel we should focus also on doing some more fun things. I’m just so whacked I can’t get it together past the basics x

Can you put all your efforts into getting a house swap or rehoused. I was surprised by how many people want to downsize.

Yes I will. I’m literally on it everyday, homeswapper, home hunt etc. just no one wants to downsize round here? Not sure….. trying to stay positive x

Have you an area you'd like to move to locally? Could you pop some notes through doors or put up an advert in the local shop or post office.

Some people might be considering it but not actually registered on homeswap yet. You could plant the seed. It's very disheartening I know but something will come up.
In the meantime I'd see what you can do to split their room up.

I’m in north london. I’ve asked all my neighbours, put notices in shops etc, Facebook groups and other avenues.
just a waiting game I guess. Dd just seems so unsure of herself, made worse by lockdown I feel. I just feel we are not connecting much either as I’m struggling generally myself. Didn’t sleep well last night worrying, got my period this morning and feel awful. Taking her to bday party later, then general jobs, will try to move room around ….. just feel overwhelmed and want to hide away!

You and your partner in the smaller room. 40cm extra room is a good amount of space - for London!

One side of the room each for each DC. Even a cheap low book case or cube shelving in-between the beds could work.

Could there be a sign she could put on the door when she need some space for 15 minutes? As long as it's not abused for permanently go away.

I shared a room with my sister until I was 14/15. I used to hide at the bottom of the wardrobe when I needed a break. I am a strong introvert and being near people can be exhausting for me. Now I'm a grown if we have a team building day I have to book the following day off work to recharge from the drain of being near people

It doesn't sound to me like the room sharing is the real issue here. Loads of kids share and there is a housing crisis so I would try and shift the focus OP. Does your DD attend hobbies?

This is the age my dd was no longer able to keep masking. We got an ASD diagnosis not long after. Many of the things you are writing are signs of neuro-diversity.

the need for a space that is quiet and to recharge is not trivial. Even without ND, some people just really need that privacy to reset. I would absolutely be looking to divide the room, even swapping your bedrooms to facilitate. It can be as simple as a curtain that is drawn and if it is closed the 5yo has to respect it.

Think you could be right. She goes to skateboarding once a week, swimming and athletics. She loves skateboarding, but doesn’t really interact much with the kids there- as I see. Tried to encourage joining new things but she doesn’t wNt to unless she knows someone from school. Feels very self conscious in new environments. Worries that people will laugh at her etc (this has happened at school previously and sometimes now) Some of the things said weren’t nice, other times I wonder if she is hypersensitive? I really don’t have a clue how to ‘deal’ with these things or how to support?

There's some great resources online for neuro diverse and kids with anxiety. Maybe start with having a good read. Get some books from the library etc and employ some things that resonate with your situation.

Longer term if you feel you may need additional help get to the GP and ask for a referral to a specialist such as CAMHS so she can be assessed. There will be a massive (sometimes years) waiting period so even if you're unsure perhaps start the ball rolling, you can always stop the process if things smooth out.

Good luck, i know it can feel very overwhelming when it's your child but you can do this.