8 year old DD friendship issue - advice needed

[Beaniebaby86]

Can anyone help as I don't know what to do or indeed whether I should do anything. My DD8 has had a 'best friend' for the past year who is very bossy, controlling and not very kind. She can be quite manipulative for a child that age and tells my DD who she can and can't play with. I have witnessed several times this girl starting to 'cry' or accuse my DD of being nasty if my DD talks to another child. This girl seems to want an exclusive friendship of just the two of them.

Over time my previously sociable DD has become isolated from the rest of the class and her old friends, as the other children keep a wide berth and don't like this girl. The party invites and playdates have all dried up since this friendship started. The teacher has raised it to me too (they think my DD is being controlled in a not so nice way) so I'm glad they are aware and are ensuring they don't sit together in class. But they don't seem to be able to do anything more as my DD is not complaining.

I just don't know what to do about it. The teacher suggested playdates out of school with other children but it has got to the point where DD is no longer friends with anyone else so how do I organise a playdate. Most of the time DD seems happy with this friendship (I think she's just grateful to have a best friend and this girl is very grown up/cool which my DD isn't) but then sometimes usually at night she gets upset and cries about how she's bossed around and can't have any other friends without upsetting this girl.
I'm at a loss of what to do. If she was being bullied or something I would step in but like I say most of the time she is happy - but then I can see this is a really unhealthy relationship and want to try and move her away from it. How can I?
Has anyone experienced this and do you have any advice? Thanks

I would go back to the school and say your DD is being deliberately isolated from other children and ask for their serious help. And I’d involve the head if I needed to. I’d say you want staff to ensure that DD can play with other children and for the other girl to be taken off to do other things if needs be. Your DD doesn’t have to be complaining to be being controlled by another child. School could also be taking to this other girl about her behaviour.
as for playdates, can you text other mothers and just invite them over? Invite a few at a time if you like. Also, does your daughter have friends at brownies or outside clubs that she can socialise with?

It sounds like a difficult situation!
Not easy to say what advice to give.

I think I agree with the previous poster about asking the school for more help with this.
I also agree with thinking about a place somewhere outside of school for your daughter to socialise? A club, a sport? Somewhere not attended by her best friend from school.

In a way she is being bullied , it’s just a bit more subtle than the physical or name calling type. You are right it is unhealthy, although not at all uncommon IME. It is clearly upsetting her being bossed about. I think you need to speak to the school and agree a plan so your DD can mix with others. It might feel a bit awkward at first organising a play date but with luck new friendships will blossom. And noone can feel offended by being asked for a play date. But you need to create a pressure release valve on this friendship. You don’t want her growing up feeling it is normal to be controlled in relationships. Tell the school you are scared that conditioning could have ramifications for life. I’m sure they will step in.

Thank you so much for your replies. They've helped me to see that I shouldn't just continue to be passive (hoping it resolves itself) and that I should take some more assertive action with school to see what support there is. Really appreciate the time you took to reply.

Also make sure your dd understands that she isn't responsible for the other girl. If she cries because she's upset, that's ok. She's allowed to cry and feel
sad but that doesn't mean your dd needs to do what the other girl wants.

That's how some adults control their partners in adult relationships.

Make sure your dd knows she matters, ask her opinions on things. On inconsequential stuff like what pudding to have on Christmas Day but also on bigger things.

I would get her involved in activities out of school too.

My DD’s Yr 3 class is riddled with tricky friendship issues and I’ve found this book very helpful.

No More Mean Girls: The Secret to... https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0143130862?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

I agree with all the advice on this thread, especially about you being proactive in engineering other friendships through play dates, outside activities etc. And the book is full of helpful activities and prompts you can use with your DD to help her think things though.

I became inadvertently involved in a friendship triangle at exactly the same age. I moved to a new school and became friends with a girl who already had a best friend. The friend was v upset that we were having play dates etc. luckily our mums encouraged our friendship but I remember thinking it was very bizarre behaviour.

Agree with posters above about being a bit more assertive. Otherwise what could potentially happen is friend decides she doesn't want to be friends anymore and your DD is left isolated, as well as the issues pointed out above re coercive behaviour.

OP, I could have written your post word for word, except my DD is 10. It is a rural school and there are only 9 girls in her class/year, so the options for other friends are quite limited. The other girls in the class are also very 'girly' whereas DD and the girl who (we feel) is being controlling are not. DD says she has little in common with the other girls in class and isn't interested in being friends. DD enjoys playing with some of the boys in the class, except her 'friend' doesn't let her and has a tantrum if DD attempts to play with anyone other than her.
We let the teacher know around a month ago that we felt DD was being controlled /manipulated by this other girl and that she has been unhappy. We told DD to play with the boys if she wants, and never to exclude her 'friend' when she plays with the boys - but also not to just stop playing and leave the others if 'friend' starts crying/trying to take DD away to play alone. We made teacher aware of 'friend's' behaviour so she is aware that if the 'friend' is crying and saying that DD isn't playing with her it's not quite the full picture and DD is trying to create/maintain friendships with other people.
This girl is also very jealous and competitive as they are both in the top 4 students in the class with 2 boys and they all sit at the same table. DD noticed that 'friend' will deliberately mark one or 2 of DDs (correct) answers wrong in class quizzes where they mark each other's work, to ensure that she comes out on top, but if DD challenged the score 'friend' would cry and say it was a mistake and that DD was being mean and horrible if she mentioned it to the teacher.
Now that the teacher is live to the problem she has been subtly intervening, (such as double checking the quiz scores) - this has really helped DDs confidence. We don't do many playdates, but the ones we have are with the boys she gets on well with. DD also goes to cubs which has broadened her friendships and also boosted her confidence, she really enjoys it. She also plays in a girls football team. We don't allow her any social media type stuff (primarily because we don't think its healthy at that age) but also because 'friend' is all over it and would be constantly messaging and demanding replies. It's not ideal, but things are better since we raised it with the teacher. I hope that your DD can also get some help too, I totally understand how you feel - it is so hard when they are unhappy like this.

Ducktape that sounds really pernicious re the quiz corrections; she has quite a nerve to point the finger when caught out. But on the whole it’s not super unusual behaviour in children and the school will cotton on pretty fast if their attention is drawn.