What would you do? Christmas invitation dilemma..

[choixduroi]

I am divorced with two teenagers. They are a week at mine and a week at Ex DH on a rotation. Ex DH lives with his partner (for the past 4 years) My DP (since 4 years) lives 2 hours away and we don't yet live together, as he also has a teenage son whose Mum is in that area.

So far since we separated, on Christmas Day ex DH has come to mine and we've had the day together with the kids and my Mum who comes over from the UK, so always the 5 of us. I have always said I'd be fine with Ex DH's partner joining, but she prefers to go to her parents (she is quite young).

My DP is typically alone on Christmas Day because his ex partner takes their son to her family to celebrate. He can go to his sister but usually doesn't. I feel like this is a bit sad for him and want him to be included.

I have raised the possibility of him spending Christmas Day with us this year. Ex DH and my 17 year old DS are absolutely fine with it. BUT my 14 year old DD is not. She is very emotional about having the day just with the parents.

Would you advise me to:

a) prioritise DD's wish to have this very rare time with both parents (since apart from literally Christmas Day, Ex DH's partner unfortunately actively blocks us from meeting as a family as it makes her feel insecure and it is kind of the only chance in the year) and tell DP he can come later on Christmas Day evening or Boxing Day (in the past he has come on Boxing Day). He completely accepts this.

or

b) tell DD that it's only fair that my DP also gets to have Christmas with me and us, after all he doesn't live with us unlike Ex DH's DP who she has to get along with for one week out of two, permanently, whereas she has all my attention when she's with me usually, and that she just has to put up with it?

I am veering towards a), but wondering if there should be some kind of cut off date, or should I just assume she will change in a couple of years anyway and it is a reasonable request of hers to just have family?

Would a compromise him coming over late afternoon early evening? 4-6 o'clockish

Daughter gets the majority of the day as a family but it slowly brings in DP as part of the family.

I'm a sucker for someone that's alone at Christmas and would always try to find a way to ensure they had people with them whether they are my relative, friend or foe!

It's a really tricky one. For me, I would follow 14yo DD's wishes because she won't be 14 for long, and will likely come to a similar perspective as your 17yo in time. You and your DP will have many future Christmases together, so I would prioritise DD. I can say this with experience as both DP and I haven't lived together as we have a teenager each too, and due to wider family arrangements I have ended up on my own for a couple of Christmas days and so has DP. We have just made it about the whole festive period instead of concentrating on one day. And I will admit to quite enjoying my Christmas day lie in and cheese and wine afternoon in front of a Christmas film!

Ooh, tricky. I mean obviously 14 is being unreasonable/a bit unkind, but emotionally that’s her job at this age, I suppose. And no one wants to force a situation if it will create waves on Christmas Day. Traditions feel really important to teens.

Is there a particular part of Christmas Day she wants preserved - is it all about waking up, stockings and presents just the 5 of you, or is lunch really important to her too? Because I’d be inclined to invite him e.g. mid-late afternoon for a late lunch, so you could all dine together but the majority of the day has been just as she wants?

Thanks very much ladies. We don't do that much at Christmas, ex DH usually comes about 12, have presents and turkey dinner about 2-3 pm. Then we usually have a walk, play a few board games and Ex DH usually goes home to enjoy time on his own at about 6 or 7 latest. Then it's just digestion and much contented narration by my Mum. I think for DD it's the presents, meal, family walk and board games, that's the basic package that she cares about.

I could invite DP for the evening, however it feels a bit duff for him to arrive at that point, literally when the party's over as it were, everyone lolling with a destroyed turkey under some foil on the side. How could I then make it nice and special for him as well?

As with a lot of these things, I can't do the right thing by everyone. I would almost rather he comes on 26th and make it a nice day in its own right.

How long are you planning on keeping up this arrangement with the exh?

I would slowly start to introduce your partner on Christmas Day over the next few years. So have him come for the board games this year. Next year he comes in time for the walk and board games, the following year dinner, walk and board games and by the year after she’ll be 18 and hopefully more receptive to have him there for the whole day.

How is her relationship with your partner outside of this?

She is very lucky to spend Xmas day with both of you

That is rare for divorced parents but nice you can

I would include your partner this year

14yr copes with living with another woman every other week

You don't live with your partner so she hasn't had to share you yet but I think be nice to have Xmas together after 4yrs esp as he is on his own

Thanks for replies. She gets on fine with DP but they don't see each other that much (because when he's here it's the weekend they're at their Dads). DS has more of a relationship with DP as occasionally they do sports events together. DP is very mild mannered and easy to get on with and doesn't cause friction.

I agree that maybe its a phasing thing, e.g. this year DP comes in the early evening and next year earlier. I also don't think she will feel like this for ever, it's just a knee jerk reaction to losing the feeling of having the family Christmas with the parents. I feel so sorry for her and so guilty that I got divorced in the first place and we can't have the proper family Christmases any more :(

I am pretty certain that in 3 years she will not be bothered but don't want to ride over it now. Think I will just talk to DP about it also.