Help I can’t cope with my newborn, advice?

[SophNx]

I’m really struggling with my baby girl. I cry everyday and feel myself slowly wishing I never had her which brings me so much guilt. She will be 3 weeks old on Tuesday. My main issue is the fact that she goes LONG periods without sleeping I’m talking about 7/8hours, with only maybe a odd 10 or 20 min nap in between and this is only due to me spending hours doing something to get her to drift off but she will be down for 20 mins and back up again.

I try everything to get her to sleep, rocking, swinging, pram walks everything but I feel like nothing works. She doesn’t even like contact napping on me. When she’s awake she’s not constantly crying it’s on and off. She seems bored and more frustrated. When she looks tired Ive tried to put her on my chest and it just makes her worse. Makes me feel like a dreadful mum.

These long awake hours can happen whenever. Middle of the day, evening or even nighttime. I just feel like I cant settle her at all and i don’t even want to get up to get her anymore I’m exhausted.

The other two things she does is using her milk as comfort. I will give her a bottle and then if she’s not settling she starts thinking she needs another bottle 30 mins later. I’ve tried a dummy which works for 10 mins till she spits it out she doesn’t want it again.

Also at night time she wakes herself up as she is constantly chucking her arms around making the strangest noises. I hear people say this is normal but it is so loud me and my partner can't attempt to sleep through it. She shakes and is really irrational with body movements. She even cries and might still be asleep.

Has anyone got any similar experiences or advice. I feel like I’m going insane. I want to be able to get to know my baby but feel so far apart from her.

Hi OP

Sorry you're having such a hard time. Three weeks is very little and having a newborn is a total shock. You're not a bad mum, look how much you're trying to help your baby! When my DD was three weeks it was the same and I ended up calling my HV who was reassuring. Most of my time was spent walking her around in a sling. Have you tried a sling yet?

Have you spoken to the HV/GP about her sleep? Does she seem content when awake? Does she have reflux?

Can you and your partner take shifts? Getting just 4hrs of straight sleep was really helpful for me in the early days.

Have you tried swaddling? This can stop them flailing their arms about, but you have to stop swaddling when they're showing signs of being able to roll, and some babies struggle with that transition of not being swaddled, but given your current situation I'd give it a try.

I was going to ask if it could be reflux or something causing her distress too

Sounds like reflux or me. My daughter gets into the cycle of having a feed, refluxing which causes discomfort and the only thing that resolves it is having another feed when she is struggling with reflux. This feed causes more reflux more pain and the solution more milk and it starts all over again.

You could try an anti reflux formula or speak to you gp about trying a thickener. A variflow teat might help as the amount of milk they get depends on how much they suck. My daughter did better with these teat until she inevitably bit a hole in it. We didn't start formula until 10 months so she had teeth

You're not a dreadful mum at all! Your both just getting used to this completely new world it's so normal to feel like this but definitely let your health visitor know how your feeling and ask for some support with her sleep too, there's so much help out there.

Have you tried a sling? I spent the first 8-10 weeks with both of my babies in a sling, it means they're close to you which is where they want to be when they're this tiny but you don't feel restricted in any way. The movement of me just doing daily tasks was enough to send them to sleep.
I'd also try swaddling for daytime and nighttime sleep, it stops them flailing their arms about so much and waking themselves up, tommee tippee do a swaddle bag which really helped them be able to transition out of swaddling one arm at a time when they were ready for that.
Sleep associations are a good thing to try and start when they are tiny so that they start to know that these things mean sleep. White noise, swaddling, a dummy if they'll take one but lots of babies won't, making everything as dark as possible at night.
Is there anyone you can ask to come and watch her for a couple of hours while you both get some sleep?
It's a lot of trial and error at this age but she'll get there.

Try infacol.

Absolute game changer for my DD at about 3 weeks! We went from a crying screaming nothing would comfort mess to a happy chilled out baby a couple of days after starting it. I put it in every newborn gift pack I make for friends now!

Try swaddling, it seems inhumane but they love it.

You're not a bad mum, what you're dealing with is beyond the usual range of newborn behaviour. Talk to your HV and get some support.

Try swaddling at night time for sure.

Yep - swaddling will stop her flinging her arms out and waking herself up. The theory behind is that in the womb they were tightly held, because towards the end of pregnancy there isn't a lot of room in there. Replicating that feeling makes them feel secure. It worked a dream with my babies.

Another one suggesting swaddling! I'd also check out possible reflux too and keep trying with the dummy.

Have a look at wake windows, if it isn't reflux then it might just be a case of overtiredness which can be solved and make it easier for her to settle to sleep.

Comfort milk was a total game changer for me, it’s not much more expensive so worth trying

I don’t have much advice but it’s perfectly normal for babies to use milk as comfort. In fact I would expect it.

I don't have much advice either as my baby was the same at 3 weeks, would hardly sleep at all. She just didn't seem interested! I was exhausted. She's 11 weeks now and is doing much better and we're both getting more rest. She was definitely dealing with reflux and colic which has improved although is not gone completely.

Try your best to keep going, ask for whatever help you can from partner, friends, parents and you will get through it. It is so hard especially when you're told that newborns are supposed to sleep all the time 😪

Swaddle her for all sleeps . I love swaddling (I'm a mn)

And babies love it aa been snug inside your tummy then out in the big wide world

My son was exactly the same. He had cows milk allergy and reflux. Please please please go and see your GP 🙏🏻
He would be awake some days for 23 hours at a time and would cry non stop, I was so emotionally exhausted and I would genuinely say it was the most traumatic time of my entire life.

Two things I highly recommend is a baby swaddle, it helps baby feel secure and safe almost like in the womb. He went from sleeping in 20 minute intervals on top of me, to doing four hour stretches. Try a different shaped dummy, different babies take to different shapes. Try Mam, Tommie Tippie or Frigg (that’s what my son uses and only took to)
Another one which sounds crazy is the hairdryer. I think it’s the loud white noise, it’s the only thing that can get him to sleep and stay asleep in minutes. Give it a try x

I found the hoover also worked a treat.

Lots of good advice here. Just to add: 1) it will get better. Babies change very quickly. Hand in there, and remember it won't be like this forever. 2) you sound like you're really struggling with your feelings right now. Have you spoken to a doctor about the possibility of postpartum depression? They may be able to help.