My son and his hair

[Toloveandtowork]

My son is 12 and several times he has refused to leave the house to go to school, or important appointments if he feels his hair doesn't look right.

To me, and I'm sure most other people, his hair doesn't actually look different or worse than usual, but his perception tells him it is. He imagines people will laugh at him and mock him.

Anything I saw is taken badly. If I say his hair looks fine and no different, he shouts, 'oh, so you're saying I look like shit everyday.'

I recommend wetting it and getting it right, but he still says it's not right and remains very frustrated and angry - shouting at me.

He may have ADHD, and also a selective eating disorder.

It's stressful for everyone in the family. Does anyone have any experience of overcoming this?

My ds was quite invested in his hair-although not as intensely as yours. Ds's was quite difficult to manage-so I'm afraid I threw money at the problem, and let him have expensive haircuts for a while. I think going to a posh salon gave him confidence. It sounds a bit shallow but it worked....

My daughter has ASD and ADHD and can be a bit like this with getting ready to leave the house - it's the thing that stresses her out by far the most.

I've learned to back off before we get into shouting match territory with lots of 'leave me alloooooone' type stuff.

It's really hard when you've got a deadline for leaving the house though. Maybe in a calmer moment chat about what would make it easier. Get up earlier so he can spend time on it? Is it the cut making it harder? At weekends can he stick a beanie or baseball cap on?

I found it useful to talk about how it's fine to want to look good, but also you can't let that stuff dictate your day, and you shouldn't miss out on things because of it.

No real answers though tbh, everything is trial and error and forever changing.

Thanks for replying. I have offered for him to get a haircut (his hair is currently shoulder length) but he doesn't trust that hairdressers will get it right. It's so frustrating!

This call for a professional since there's not much we can say at this age that will help! Find a hairdresser that is trendy enough to have his respect and kind enough to take an interest and boost his confidence by showing him what to do to achieve the look he's after.
It sounds like a confidence issue more than a hair issue.

Hair does seem to be something boys torment each other about, so he may well be getting a hard time at school (or at least feel that he is getting a hard time - a couple of jibes might be water off a ducks back to one child but deeply upsetting to another).

I agree with going to a fancier barbers or salon. There might be very little difference in the cut but he could feel more confident, let him have some fancy hair clay or gel or whatever he seems to think he needs (perhaps Christmas presents).

A friend's son was similarly anxious about his hair and used to spend over an hour each morning fiddling with it. It's not that unusual for boys to be very anxious about hair at this age.

@CurlewKate snap!

That's good to know that boys can sometimes be like that about their hair. He has plenty of friends, but I imagine there might be negative comments from some school kids, especially as his hair is fairly long.

I'll try getting him to a more upmarket salon and will see how that goes.

Have you asked him exactly what isn't right about it and is there something you can do to help? Sometimes, anxiety can make us focus on something that seems very basic to NT people, but we telling you that we're anxious and uncomfortable, but are finding it hard to verbalise that actual issue.

That's difficult OP. I do think it's important to try and nip this in the bud before it spirals. I know a 17 year old who is completely housebound with anxiety/ depression and will not leave, hasn't left the house in about 3 years, and he has some major hangups about his hair which have been going on for years and have just become more ingrained. It is a very difficult situation and he is reluctant to accept any help.

I'm not saying your son will be like that, but I think at his age you can do a lot to support him with this that can be preventative.

It sounds like at the root if it is some pretty deep anxiety - I wonder where that comes from? He also has other mental health issues, with the eating disorder, and potential neurodiversity. That's a lot! Is he getting any professional support with all this? Has he been referred for an ADHD assessment and spoken to GP about the eating disorder? Any counselling/ mental health suport?

12 is a good age to put support in place because you still have some power as a parent to get him to do things - once he gets to 14/15 he is going to be more at risk of not getting the help he needs if he's reluctant to engage.

I don't agree with @limefrog but it was only a question of time before someone comes along to say you need to worry more and have your son probed for obscure hang-ups and really go deep.
Life is full of practical problems that we need to find solutions for, overcoming difficulties is a good skill to develop for yourself. Very few people actually need professional help.
Focusing on imaginary issues engrains problems and some make a very good living out of it.

This child has an eating disorder and potential ADHD, is swearing at his parents, thinks he 'looks like shit' and is obviously struggling with anxiety if not more issues. There are multiple very good reasons to be seeking out extra support for him.

It is attitudes like this that prevent people from getting the support they need.

Obscure hang ups.

Like ADHD and an eating disorder? And anxiety such that he refuses school if his hair isn't right.

But yeah, parents just want to probe their kids looking for problems.

I'm persuing an ADHD assessment but it's a long wait. He had an educational psychologist assessment at school which flagged up ADHD.
Also currently trying to get an EHP assessment done as well. I realise he needs various types of support.

Unfortunately, he doesn't react well to being 'probed'.

DD3 (14) has ASD and OCD traits. She can't leave the house unless her hair is 'right' because it feels wrong and she worries that she'll be a target for bullying. It isn't a style thing. She just puts it in a bun, but it has to feel right and be neat, etc.

Fortunately, as she needs a lot of SEN support to stay in school, I can just email and say that we'll be late because her hair isn't right.

I've had to excuse him for being late for school several times because of his perception of his hair. Wish I didn't have to.

I have the opposite problem with my ds, he’s way too comfortable leaving the house looking like he actually sleeps rough 🥴
He’s clean but has zero interest in his appearance. Happily wears things with holes in if I haven’t got to them first to get rid of them. Gets really upset if I throw away his holey socks… I despair sometimes.

DD has OCD and we're waiting for ASD and ADHD assessments. She absolutely has issued like this, not about hair but really it's not the hair that's the issue, that's just the symptom. It sounds as though the hair is just the expression of a deep anxiety. I agree with @limefrog completely, this needs professional support. Perhaps a child psychologist?

@limefrog and @WeighDownOnMe

'He may have ADHD, and also a selective eating disorder.'

But let's just assume he has. Let's assume he's not just 12 and finding his feet and needs practical advice. Let's seek mental 'help' for his 'problems', what could possibly go wrong?

Find a hairdresser who he trusts. This might take some time and trial and error, but it's worth it to find someone who makes him feel comfortable and who can give him the haircut that he wants.

He has been to see a couple of child psychologists but he wouldn't engage with the process.

I think you've misread my posts.

I disagree with @limefrog and her dismissive tone.

Well, you can't blame him for that.

Nor does my DD. That's why I try to step back - she comes to me then, and wants to connect, so it's easier to have conversations.

It's hard when you worry about them though. Starbucks is vital for us!

My boy (10) is similarly obsessed with getting everything "just right" before he leaves the house. He needs his hair to be perfectly arranged and at one point even obsessed over combing his leg hairs. Honestly if it's down to special needs you'll likely need professional help in helping with these compulsive thoughts, or you could try to mitigate time taken up by going to bed earlier and waking up earlier so there's more time in the morning.

Good luck!