Is it wrong to want a DC3 even though sometimes we feel we can't cope with the 2DCs we have?

[blissieblue]

We'd like 3 children but find the 2 we already have (nearly 3yo and nearly 1yo) hard work and look forward to a time when things are a little less intensive.

For various reasons (age, career aspirations, previous fertility issues) we feel if we are to have another baby we need to get on with it now.

The thought of coping with another pregnancy / baby as well as our 2 existing DCs fills me with horror right now but at the same time I'm seeing how quickly the baby / toddler stage passes and have daydreams about having a 3rd son or daughter rather than a 3rd baby.

Do we bite the bullet and go for another baby, accepting the fact that the next few years will be tough but that in the end we'll have the family we always wanted.

Or be content with the beautiful family we feel so lucky to have and get on with the rest of our lives.

I really don't know and it's doing my head in.

If people stopped having babies when they felt they could not cope, noone would have number 2.

I am currently pregnant with number 4. crazy!

Depends on what you mean by "cope"! If you want everything to be easier, to run smoothly and for you to have a large number of brain cells at your disposal, then stick with two.

If you just mean that coping is about having a modicum of control over your domestic life, the occasional moment of peace, and you're able to face a certain amount of chaos, then go for three.

You could be posting for me! Will be watching the advice with interest.

Fantastically happy and blessed with the dcs we have, but still have a yearning for another child, but am I just closing my eyes to the reality of having 3 and just love the idea of it? Yet 3 somehow feels complete, weird eh?

Having seen your/'my' thoughts written down, one bit stood out which was "accepting the next few years will be tough", made me wonder whether that is ever the case, and the dcs just move on to a new demanding stage?!

You could be posting for me! Will be watching the advice with interest.

Fantastically happy and blessed with the dcs we have, but still have a yearning for another child, but am I just closing my eyes to the reality of having 3 and just love the idea of it? Yet 3 somehow feels complete, weird eh?

Having seen your/'my' thoughts written down, one bit stood out which was "accepting the next few years will be tough", made me wonder whether that is ever the case, and the dcs just move on to a new demanding stage?!

Yes Heated that occurred to me too! Parenting probably doesn't get easier but surely it does get less intensive.

I want to have a 2nd dc. But I struggle with ds. My friend said to think deeply about why I really wanted to have another child. And I have. And I still haven't come up with any reasons. Should I ?
Do you have to have a reason ?
When you say you can't cope, what specifically do you mean ?

The more children, the easier as they play with eachother IMO

Hmmmmmm....

I thought I was stopping at two - had a four year age gap between dd and ds1 (not planned - we had fertility issues though we eventually conceived naturally again).

However - at some level both of us were open to the idea of another child so didn't do anything serious about contraception after ds2 was born. DH is one of four himself and I'm one of three. We're both very laid back in our parenting style and had coped well with the baby and toddler stage with dd and ds.

The result of not being careful about our contraception was ds 2 - third child at 39, this time with a 22 month age gap.

TBH, I can truly say I found parenting easy until I had my third, and much as I love him and enjoy aspects of being a three child family, the stress of the last two years has scorched me. I definitely feel that I would have been better to have stopped at two - my children would have had a better quality of life, and so would DH and I.

Most of the mums I know with three or four children find life a grind, if they're being honest with themselves. I do wonder if I would cope with things better if I'd been younger when I'd had them. Maybe some of it is to do with age - most of my friends have had three or four children in their 30's and early 40's. I've found things especially hard because I've had health issues in the past year, which I hadn't anticipated, and that have made things really, really challenging for me at times.

I wish I'd gone to the trouble of talking through my feelings about wanting a third child before conceiving - what I REALLY wanted - the reality as opposed to the dreams you have of life with three children - the issues of childcare, money, work etc...

Reasons for having 3 children

Well I don't think any of them are particularly rational but

• I am 1 of 3 and I suppose that's what I am used to and what I always imagined for my own family.
• We look at our kids and think - why wouldn't we want another!
• 3 feels like a more rounded family somehow
• I like the idea of being a mum to 3 grown ups and they won't be babies or even children for very long
• if anything happened to 1 of my children or to me and DH then the remaining family would be better able to support each other. That's a bit morbid but there you go - it's something I have thought about
• If we don't have another child now I worry that it'll then be too late and I'll live to regret it
• I love the idea of 3 kids tumbling around together

Reasons for sticking at 2

• We'll have more money and more space in our home and our car!
• Life will be less complicated, family holidays, weekends away without children etc will get a lot easier quite quickly
• I can go back to work and make something more of the career I had before kids...
• ...making me a better, more patient mummy?
• I worry that the stress of another baby will make me and DH more shouty than we can already be - why impose this on my children?
• I'm not great at living in chaos, it makes me a bit anxious and stressed yet this is how I seem to live most of the time - why make it worse?
• My boys are very healthy and it's crap but I don't know if I could cope with a child that wasn't and I feel like I might be pushing my luck

Yes sleep isn't great here either but then I am getting used to that. I have just stopped bf the baby and as much as I love it (and also find it hard to accept I might never bf another baby) it does affect my relationship with DH - something to do with my hormones, I don't know, but I just never want sex.

I think if you have a deep seated desire for a 3rd child, as opposed to a 3rd baby (and you've clearly thought that through and realise the difference) then I think you should bite the bullet and go for it. And I think you're absolutely right to do it sooner rather than later. Yes, it will be hard work for the early months and years, but it DOES get easier. And getting through the toddler and young child stage all in one go, leaves you free to move onto the next phase of your life. I have 3 close together and it's great. IME friends with 3 who've had the hardest time are those who have 2 and then a big gap before no 3. I know a few people who've done this, and they've found the early years easy, with the eldest two in school, but then it gets really difficult with the older two having very different interests and needs from the youngest.

Hi blissieblue, I'm in a quandry about whther to have a 2nd dc! let alone a third, although the reasons for having a 2nd dc are probably more explicit than for a 3rd which are probably more nebulous.

Some things about your reasons stand out to me.....

The idea of 3 kids tumbling around together, is thia an idea a dream or total fantasy!! They might tumble for a bit but just be aware of the effect 3 teenagers close in age may have on your life. They enter another v v demanding stage then.

Plus the bits about being stressed and anxious, I feel chaotic with one and am constantly trying to get a grasp and regain some sort of organisation in my life.

I feel a sort of yearning to have another dc but at the moment all the practical reasons are to wait a while, and I'm a pragmatist so for the moment it's just the 3 of us

From the sounds of it whatever decision you make you'll cope!

I think Alfiesbabe has an excellent point about wanting another child. A lot of Mums speak of a longing for another baby, a cute soft pliable bundle and go on to repeatedly conceive to ensure there's always a baby in the house.

These adorable creatures grow up to me demanding, exhausting, stroppy adolescents in time! I think it's very interesting that you've phrased it as having another child and rather than a baby to cuddle. It seems like you've weighed up all the options and thought about it in real terms so you're already starting off from a solid grounding.

Maybe you should just go for it!

Oh my babies have been plenty cute and soft but never pliable so maybe that's why I'm so realistic about doing it again? My mum once compared DS1 to an angry wasp and DS2 has kept the side up!

Seriously though - this is really helping. Thank you.

We had child no.4 last may. Had ds and dd1 with an 18mth age gap between them then waited another 4yrs and had dd2 and dd3 with a 17mth age gap. We always said we would have either 2 or 4. So we spent a while deciding whether to go for 2 more or stop with just 2.

Being pregnant this last time was harder with already 3 to run around after and this 1st year for dd3 is hard but then I knew it would be. I always remember things seem to ease up a bit when they turn 1. I know it is all worth it though. The kids adore each other and I too think that once we are past the toddler years we will have the family we always wanted. The nappies, steriliser, hopefully sleepless nights will all be gone!

I think if you are going to do it get on with it now. Don't wait too long. In hindsight perhaps we should not have waited the 4yrs in between. But we were contemplating an extension or moving during this time and I had stated that I was not having a baby in all the mess of an extension! So we waited and then ended up moving instead of extending!

Good luck with your decision. In case it helps I still look at newborns and get broody but now I know I have finished having babies and that broody feeling will always be there deep down. Before no.4 I was still feeling broody but did not know if this was how all women feel even when they have finished having babies. Now I know this is true of me but know 4 is enough and that I definately feel older and don' t think I could physically do the pregnancy and birth followed by the first few months now.

Hope this helps.

P.s. all of our friends stopped at the first two who are the same age as our eldest 2. So now they all have their social lives back, a full nights sleep, starting to do different activities etc. as a family. We will get there too it will just take a bit longer. If you are not bothered about that then go for it.

We have one, 23 month old Tom, and would like another. I have a brother and DF has a brother and sister. We would like Tom to have a sibling. I don't feel ready to have another just yet. There are a few mums at toddlers who are all expecting. I just couldn't cope with another at the moment. Toms a late teether, late in talking, won't drink out of a cup unless you hold it for him, won't eat most lumpy things (but will eat biscuits ok) and cries in every shop you go in!

Don't know about more than 2 though!

Do you REALLY need to make the decision now? Obviously fertility declines as you get older, and you have mentioned career issues, but maybe you could enjoy the kids you have for a while and then see how you feel about another.

I had DS1 at 30, DS2 at 35 and DD was born two months before my 40th birthday! It wouldn't suit everyone, but to me it feels like I have the joys of a large(ish) family without having had to go through the total chaos of lots of little kids at the same time. They are now 14, 9 and 5 and they get on incredibly well - we spent a month travelling in Asia on our way to Australia last year and one of the most amazing aspects of the trip for me was watching them all play/swim/hang out happily together as a gang without the need for anyone else.

I sway between sticking with 2 or going for 3.

I also wanted 3 children, thought it was nice to have a number of siblings and loved the fantasy of all sitting round the table chatting and the house being filled with DC friends calling in etc.

In reality ive found out that I am a control freak who cant stand a unorganised messy house. 2 DC already stresses me out when they want different things NOW and the mess they make, its easy to go on holiday and I have a hard job of keeping an eye on 2 dc so how could i manage 3. Plus I managed to have 2 colicky, wont be put down babies, what if the 3rd was the same.

But then when they play lovely together and friends announce theyre pregnancy, I think back to having number 3 and think shall I, surely 3 cant be much different to 2!!!!!

On the basis of the day I am having and how I am feeling I would say stop at 2.

i wonder about this too. i love ds to bits but sometimes i just find him so mundanely boring. he's 20 months and i am ashamed to say i hardly ever play with him cos i find it so dull. i much prefer them when they can talk etc. so in that sense as much as i am very broody, i can't help thinking it would be unfair to have another dc.